The 2nd Christmas

In the shower I do some of my best thinking. 
This morning I was thrown by the turn of events.

My thoughts from this morning:
I have so much to do before the company arrives. 
I should ask my Dad to bring his tools and take a look at the shower drain that needs some repair.

At that point the tears came.  They flowed freely.  They mixed with the water from the shower and as I stood there and cried I realized it is ok not to be happy all the time and while I know my Dad wouldn't want me to be sad all the time, I think it is alright to be sad and take a moment and embrace that sadness. 

This morning I embraced the sadness of my 2nd Christmas without my Dad.

The Good Things (ADHD)

I have been thinking about ADHD a lot lately.  My 17 year old has Attention Deficit Disorder.  I hate the term.  Deficit is defined as 'an inadequacy or insufficiency'.  I am one of those positive people that always sees the cup as half full.  I look for something good in everything no matter how difficult that may be at times.  Deficit immediately has a negative connotation.
I have dealt with my son's 'deficit' for 10 years.  I have listened to my close friends talk about their children's ADD and even some of their own personality traits as suffering from this deficit of ADD. 
I want so much to tell my son and all of those people looking at ADD as an insufficiency or deficit that they need to spend a few minutes thinking about the positive traits of ADD.

My son at a very early age was an out of the box thinker.  I remember in grade 2 his teacher showed me the class drawing they did of a still life portrait.  Each one of the children in the class drew the vase and apple very similar, except Austin.  His picture was through the eyes of a child who they labelled as having a deficit.  The picture couldnt have been farther from the truth.  His picture was very unique and showed so much of what others didn't even notice, but stood out to him.  He saw what others didn't but was right in front of them.

The energy and drive that Austin has is intense to say the least.  When motivated and interested in something he puts his all into it.  Inattentive is hardly accurate when you describe something that interests him.  He will focus intently, to the point of being oblivious to all else around him.  Sometimes these intense thoughts will consume him and he will share those thoughts with others around him.  I have learned more about hockey player statistics, drafting autocad terms that I ever thought possible.  It is so good to see him take something like that and show such passion.

I think about the other traits that often follow this deficit:

• good judge of character
• sense of humour
• quick to grasp essentials
• flexibility
• intuitiveness
• sensitive to surrounding environment
• enthusiastic, passionate
• forgives mistakes
• tries to do better next time
• willing to take risks
• charming personality, warmheartedness
• determined

The list of these traits are endless.  As I write them down I realize there is so much good within my son.  ADD needs to be looked at as an advantage defined by unique characteristics.  ADD is a trait not a disorder or deficit.  I am not in denial and I completely realize that there are issues that my son and others face because of these characteristics, These characteristics make up who they are and the ADD is part of who they are.  Instead of focusing all our energy on how to deal with the negative traits of ADD, we need to spend some time appreciating the positive traits of ADD. 
Most importantly share those thoughts.
I promise to make sure Austin and others I know with ADD know how much I appreciate their unique characteristics, I think the world of them and wouldn't change a single thing.

Merry Memory

Last night we had our 'Temple' Christmas gathering.  This is now the 2nd Christmas without my Dad, but our first Christmas without our Poppa Temple.  I went through a little apprehension after my Dad passed away and wondered how we would fit into the picture last Christmas with Dad gone.  I was quickly reassured that despite the fact that my Dad is no longer here, we still very much fit into the family. 
We lost our Poppa Temple this spring and with that we lost the common link that held all the extended families together.  We no longer would get together to celebrate his birthday.  I wondered what would become of this 'Temple' family.
Even without losing family members, as the years go by the families grow and our lives get busy.  I wondered if we would find a day that worked for our Christmas gathering. 
Despite the snow and rain storm we had yesterday we were all able to get together under one roof and celebrate our Christmas.  It was so nice to be together with a family that I grew up with as a small child to now a woman with children of my own.
Grandma, Poppa and Dad were not here physically but I know they were watching and were proud of the fact that our family made the effort to get together. 
The part that made is the most special was the little kids.  To see the cousins play so well together, their excitement at the Christmas season, giving and receiving those special little gifts.  It brought back memories of my own Christmas memories in my Grandparents house opening presents with my cousins, seeing all my Aunt's and Uncle's. 
It was a sad moment thinking about the family that is no longer with us to share these special times, but also such happiness and joy sharing new memories with an old family. 

My mind was brought back to a wonderful Disney character with a great quote:

Lilo (from Lilo & Stitch): "Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind.... or forgotten."

I am comforted in my Merry Memory that our family while it was changed is still a family and nobody got left behind or forgotten.

Sunny with cloudy periods

I feel like a weather forecaster describing my life.  Lately it has been sunny with cloudy periods.  I am trying to enjoy every minute of the sunlight when it is here.
The sunlight is the wonderful holiday I was just on, the laughter and memories that I have from the time spent with my husband, daughter and friends.  It is the healthy children that I have.  It is the unbreakable bond that I share with my husband, whose quirky sense of humour matches me so well.
The sunlight is also the upcoming Christmas season and spirit that is catching on.  It is the wonderful group of friends that I have and can count on for anything.  Their support and the other sunniness in my life helps me through the cloudy patches. 
Luckily the cloudy patches are fleeting.  And thankfully there are no storms in the forecast.

Welcome home

We landed back into Canada late Saturday night.  I was tired after the delays but still able to enjoy the excitement of coming home.  The holiday was great but I was so looking forward to spending Sunday with the family putting up the Christmas tree and celebrating Austin's 17th birthday.
I phoned to wish him a Happy Birthday in the evening and he was enjoying his birthday with some friends over so I didn't talk for long.  I had made arrangements with him and Nuckter earlier and checked in several times over our vacation to make sure that it was still going to happen.
I am happy to hear that Austin came for a supper visit with the little kids while we were in vacation, but I cannot tell you how much it has ached my heart today that he didn't show up.
I have tried to keep busy (luckily there is a crap load of stuff to do after you return from a week of holidays), but still so very sad.
The tree went up, all the ornaments were hung (even though we left his ornaments until later in the day just in case)....the birthday gift sits here, the special card I was so wanting to share with him remains sealed.
No phone call, no text, nothing.
This is a sobering reminder that while Austin is still my son and a part of our family, he is no longer in the same capacity that he was even a year ago.
I would like to think it is just him growing up, but I know it's growing apart.

Waving goodbye

Despite of all the issues that have been coming up we are scheduled to board a plane tomorrow morning for a week's vacation in Cancun.
I can say that I smoothly handled all the work issues and crisis' that I faced this week and with a late departure on my last day yesterday I am feeling content that things are left in a good place and hopefully will run smoothly while I am gone.
I can also say that Austin is starting to feel better, recovering from his lingering sickness.  We are  also starting an iron rich diet and supplements for his anemia.  And a new ADHD medication that hopefully will get him back on his path.
The weather while dumping hoards of snow on us, is starting to warm up here and hopefully no more blizzards before we take off tomorrow morning.

I had a mantra I kept repeating this week as the schedule was crazed....."Cancun, soon I will be in Cancun."  It worked like a charm up until last night.  Yes, last night shortly after walking in the door from work/daycare Reid threw up ALL over the kitchen.  It was horrible to have him crying in pain with his sore tummy, and even more horrible having vomit splattering all over us, the walls etc.  But the worst thing is that the saying that helped me through the week was freaking me out "SOON I will be in Cancun"!!!! I will not be at home with my sick little boy, I will be away for 7 entire days. 
I spent much of my night holding and nursing my little baby and thinking those thoughts.
Luckily today is a new day, the toast and rice has stayed down, his colour is better, he isnt complaining of a tummy ache. 
Maybe, just maybe soon I will be in Cancun AND enjoying myself.

Drinking it in

Sometimes those perfect moments and memories sneak up on you.  Like this morning.  Austin is sick and wanted to come stay with us again.  We spent the morning together in the kitchen talking while I made lasagna's.  I had a hard time not grinning from ear to ear the whole time.
I am drinking up the greatness of this morning and am so thankful for wonderful memories we can still make despite everything.
I love you Austin!!!!

My Plate Runneth Over

I have a plate that holds all things I am responsible for.  The plate is heaping right now, close to toppling into an irrresponsible mess. 
I try to stay on top of it by being organized and plan ahead.  It isnt working.  Last night I took my daughter to her 9:00 ringette game, but it was infact at 8:00. 
I am trying to arrange my full time work schedule to accomodate my Mom's cardiologist appointment and my son's child psychologist appointment.  There is only so much room on my plate. 
My husband and I often split up on evenings and weekends in order to accomplish alot of these responsibilities. 
I am thankful that my husband and my 14 year old daughter often put their plates next to mine to catch the spills.

What makes this plate of responsibility the worst is that all of the stuff I have on there for my Mom is stuff that I dont want to do.  Stuff I shouldnt have to do and definitely stuff she doesnt appreciate me doing.  I dont want to sound like a horrible daughter, but she expects so much of me and is demanding in what she wants me to do and never once says thank you.  That doesnt even include her untruthfulness and irresponsible behaviours where I am left with nothing to do but treat her like a child. 
How did I get here?  And more importantly how do I get out?

Maybe in another post when I am ready I will share more on that whole f'd up situation. 

And again...

Disappointed yet again. While I am so happy that the kids pictures turned out well and we were able to capture their smiles and the love between siblings, the evening ended badly.
Austin promised Reid he would be here for the weekend. He went to hockey practice and was to come home after. Now I have a little boy who is going to wake up in the morning to disappointment. There is a long story from Austin like there always is. With Austin there are excuses, lies and bad choices.

I wish for so much more for Austin and our family.

Disappointed again

My usually positive self is trying hard not to let things get me down, but sometimes its hard, so damn hard.

I was really excited the other day to have Austin come for a visit and stay overnight with us.  Reid was very excited as well to finally spend some time with his big brother.  Well, it came down between spending time with his family or playing xbox.....it doesn't take a genius to figure out which one he chose.

Selfishly I am disappointed for the time I will miss spending with him, but more importantly for the family that yet again misses out.  The hardest is to try to explain to a little 3 year old boy who thinks the world of his big brother.
:(

:HS (Holy Sheep)

Ok, no amount of lists are going to calm me down.  I looked at my calendar today and realized that our trip isnt a month away, it isnt even 3 weeks away, it is a mere 19 days. 
I need to do some serious preparing tonight.  The part about vacationing that sucks is that the rest of my life is still going on.  It's still spinning just as fast as it was before we added the vacation into the mix of things.  I need to keep up with all the every day issues and activities PLUS add the organization of a vacation. 

It has been 9 years since Bob and I went on a hot holiday.  That is a long time in the making, but from what I remember of the holiday, once we are there we will be able to relax and just enjoy the time. 
I am also very excited to share this experience with Tay.  Her excitement is contagious, it makes me excited just talking to her about all the first time's she is going to have. 
As easily as I could talk myself into a nervous breakdown about all the lists and things that need to be done before we leave in 19 days, if given the opportunity I am also able to talk myself down off that ledge and think about the great times we are going to be having. 
It also helps that Reid and McKinley are SUPER excited for us to leave.  Any nagging concerns I may have had easily get washed away because they are both looking forward to their special time with Poppa & Grandma. 
I can still remember the times I was able to spend with my Grandparents when my parents went away.  I dont remember the sadness about being left behind at all, but I do remember all the wonderful memories with Grandpa & Grandma. 

Deep breaths......I can do this.  Everything is going to be OK.

Theraputic Lists

Our Cancun holiday is rapidly approaching.  As excited as I am about the actual trip, I am one of those people that gets anxious about having things at home go smoothly in my absence.  Does that make me a control freak?

I find the actual making of the lists and crossing off of the items as they are accomplished theraputic.  So this weekend on my list of things to do was to make a few lists :)  I made a list of things to take on the trip, I made a list of the scheduled activities we will be missing, a list of people to notify that we will be gone and a list for the inlaws while they are here with the little ones.

Now looking at those lists may make some people anxious, but to me it's calming. 
If only I could get all of the issues in my life to be simplified into these calming theraputic lists.

La, La, La, La

McKinley is very musical.  She is learning so much in her piano classes and loves to sing everything and anything.
I am proud to say after two months she knows several songs, including 'Ode to Joy'. 
She comes home with so many new songs from school, music classes and daycare.  With Halloween she was thrilled with all the new songs especially for the holiday.

I have to share the one that stuck in my and my husbands heads.  It is to the tune of Farmer in the dell.  And the one verse goes, 'The witch takes a bat, the witch takes a bat'  But when you are 5 and singing without a care in the world the words can sometimes get mixed up.  This is what we heard 'the bitch takes a wat, the bitch takes a wat'. 
You would have loved to see the look on our faces as she was singing. 
Priceless moment and one that will continue to put a smile on our faces for a long time to come.

Blessings

Yesterday I was just saying how thankful I was for a day off work without it being filled with appointments and responsibilities.  I was looking forward to spending the day with Reid & McKinley and the afternoon with Tay.  The kids were excited to have a stay home daycare day as well. 
I was even more pleased when last night my 16 year old son phoned me to ask if he could come spend the day with us and if I could take him to the doctor as he still isnt feeling good.
While he doesnt live with us anymore I felt so touched that he remembered that I was still here for him.
I love that he take comfort in the time spent with us.  As unsure as I am about everything we are going through with Austin, I know that I can count on the love between us all.
Today I am going to enjoy this happy little feeling in my heart and be thankful for all I have.

Mondays

A good friend of mine has declaredMondays as Muffin Monday's at her household.  It was her wise thinking to improve the attitude of her family on Monday mornings.  What a fabulous idea!
She has inspired me.
I am going to figure out how to make our Monday's manageable.  I dont bake so the whole muffin idea, while good is just not something I can see myself doing. 
You think Toast Monday's has a nice ring to it? :)

The Teenage Brain

Ok, I hope I didn't get anyone too excited thinking I had to secret to figuring the teenage brain out.  In reality I am sitting here puzzled and wondering how the thought process works in a teenagers mind...or if in fact there is even a thought process.

My oldest is going to be 17 in mere months.  As you know from previous posts he moved out of our house into his Dad's almost 6 months ago.  He didn't want to live by our house/family rules and that was the consequence.  One that he was happy with.  He had the view that the grass was greener on the other side and couldn't wait to move out and leave behind all the stupid rules, responsibility and expectations.

There has been a complete role reversal since Austin has moved in with his Dad.  Nuckter calls me and I can hear the weariness in his voice, I recognize the helplessness in his sighs.  How come EVERYONE else can get it but the one person that NEEDS to doesn't?  I had years of that weariness and helplessness trying to raise Austin, but from this side of the fence it doesn't look as bad.  Luckily the years of experience behind me I am able to remember just how difficult it was.  And it was difficult, but it was difficult for everyone.

I have been informed that Austin is failing classes, skipping entire days of school to stay home and play xbox all day long, stay up late sneaking on the xbox until 4am, missing shifts at work.  He is disappointing family and friends. I had to reassure my exhusband that he was doing the right thing.  That I know it is a lot of work and often it isn't fair to the rest of the family.  I also had to tell him that he has to look at the bigger picture.  The "worst thing that could happen" game that I often play in my head. 
Austin may not pass all his classes this year.  The worst thing that could happen would be that he repeats a year and doesnt graduate as planned.
Austin is missing shifts at work, the worst thing is that he could be fired and would lose his cell phone, car, xbox etc until he gets another job.
It's this worst thing game that has my mind wonder down some darker paths.....
Austin isnt taking his medication, the worst thing would be if he was selling/giving his medication to someone else to abuse
Austin is lying and stealing from family/friends, the worst thing would be if he was arrested.
Austin is very impulsive and without his medication he acts without thinking.....the worst thing would be if he was in an accident.

I pray that one day soon Austin's teenage brain starts to work and he considers the worst thing that could happen.
Until then I just do the best I can with what tools I have.

Happy Anniversary

I am celebrating 7 years of wedded bliss today. 
I love everything about our anniversary.  I love the fall season - the orange and red leaves, the crisp morning air.  I love the memories of the wonderful day we had with our family and friends.  I love looking back at the pictures of when we 'officially' became a family.  Our marriage has evolved and grown over the past 7 years.  I remember over 10 years ago when I met Bob.  We were both much younger and weary about calling anything a 'relationship'.  We enjoyed spending time together and in the beginning didn't want to even think about getting serious.  As the months went on we realized that we both had the same sense of humour and values in life.  Before we knew it, we were a couple.  Certainly not something either of us had wanted when we started dating, but the heart wants what the heart wants right?

Our marriage has never oozed with romance, but thats because like the sense of humour and values, we also feel the same about the romance.  I love the random hugs and kisses for no reason.  We both aren't big fans of public displays of affection.  It isn't that we don't have those feelings we just choose to show it differently.

Our marriage, while still very important, has taken a back burner to raising our family.  We made the choice to raise 4 children.  That takes a lot of energy.  It also takes a lot of love.  We built our family with our 4 children from our marriage.  It was the strong foundation on which our family stands. 
Like my favorite saying that I have painted on my dining room wall....."Our family is a circle of strength and love". 
Today I am celebrating the beginning of that family 7 years ago, and appreciating how wonderful that marriage has been and still is.
I LOVE YOU BOB (this is a DPA, but I'll break the rules just once :) )

32 cents

I haven't shared this with anyone. In the nightstand drawer next to my pillow I have 1 quarter 1 nickel and 2 pennies. This is the change that was in my Dad's jeans the day he died. It is most likely that he held that money in his hands just hours before he passed away. I like to hold it in my hands. I think of the saying "penny for your thoughts" and try to think of some of the thoughts he had but never shared. I also think of all the thoughts and memories I have of him that I remember and share with my loved ones.

I have 4 coins,pocket change that to some people wouldn't mean much. To me it means so much more than 32cents

Virtual Support

Fertility Clinic Doctor Sued

The above article was shared with me this morning by a dear friend.  I have known her for several years.  We met as a part of online group forum where women were struggling to conceive.  While she has moved on from the group, she has remained on my mind and in my heart.
She shared with me several months ago this story and it broke my heart.  I cannot even imagine what she and her husband have gone through and continue to go through.
I feel she is one of the strongest women that I have 'met'.  She is very well spoken and wise and I know she is going to make sure that this doctor is held accountable for his mistakes and that her story is heard.
What saddens me is that there are so many people in the world that are so narrow minded and ignorant.  This family has had a true injustice happen to them.  Never ONCE have they questioned their love of their beautiful daughter, but they want the doctor to accept the responsibility for his actions and ensure this never happens again.  There are issues medically and genetically that come into play when sperm donors are mixed up.
What makes this truly hard for me to imagine her going through is that there is even ONE person out there that directs such hurtful and completely baseless comments towards her.

I am happy to say that all of the family and friends I have shared her story with have been nothing but shocked by the doctors actions and lack of responsibility and empathetic towards my friend and her family.
As for the small group of people that throw comments with no merit or basis at my friend, I hope karma exists.
Until then I will continue to shower my love and support on this wonderful woman and her family and share this story with the rest of the world that supports her.

The black sheep

My entire life I always thought I was the black sheep of my family. 
I spoke my mind and sometimes said what I thought needed to be said but that others sometimes didn't want to hear. 
I went against my families wishes several times.  They didn't want me to end my first marriage.  I will always remember my Mom's voice over the phone when I finally had the courage to tell her that we were separated and would be getting a divorce.  Her words, "I am not going to tell your Dad but you have to fix this and take him back.  No one is ever going to want you with two little kids". 
I would sit in on my parents medical appointments and instead of just agreeing with everything I would question them and ask for further information.   I have called doctors and gotten answers that my parents weren't always forthcoming with.  I have said what others thought but would never speak.

Sadly today I realized that being the black sheep of the family isn't a bad thing. 
The black sheep is strong willed and independent.  She is outspoken and inquisitive.  She is generous and fiercely protective of her family.  The black sheep is supportive and loyal, she values her family and makes sacrifices for her family. 
This black sheep is saddened by the brother sheep that has turned his back on the family and the mother sheep who cannot appreciate the help of others or have the humbleness to admit she is wrong. 

Happy Birthday

Today is my Dad's birthday.  He would have been 62 today.  It is a hard day for me, wishing he was here to share the special day with us.  I would have loved to bake a cake for him and watch him with his grandkids on his knee as he blew out the candles. 

I will try to take comfort in the memories I am left with.  Here is one of them:
Reid has a sweet tooth and Poppa found a way to get Reid to say his first sentence.  It was before Reid was 2 years old and my parents were down for a visit and they had stopped and bought a chocolate cake to have after our family supper.  After supper I served up the pieces of chocolate cake and Reid was a boy on a mission and ate his piece in record time.  Without hesitation he held up his plate and very clearly said, "More cake please".  Tonight I will serve up a chocolate cake in memory of Poppa/Dad.

I love you Dad.

Me! Me! Me!

I have been by myself since 11am this morning.
The older two kids are with Nuckter, the younger two went with Daddy to the lake for a visit with Grandpa & Grandma.

I can't even explain how much I enjoyed today.
I strolled down isles of the store that I didn't even need anything in because I had time and no kids in tow.
I had several uninterrupted phone conversations.
I ate and didn't eat what I wanted and when I wanted.
I FOAF'd to my hearts content
I listened to MY music ALL day long.  I turned it up loud and sang along.
I peed with the bathroom door shut and in solitude.
I cleaned and organized (now this might not seem like fun, but for those that know me they will know that I was in my element).
I didn't have to break up any arguments or listen to whining.

This is truly a blessing and I intend to enjoy every second of it.  Hopefully when the break is over I will be recharged and ready to take on anything!

Further car conversations

Funny thing happened after I posted my last blog last night.  Within hours of posting that I received a call from my teenage daughter.  She wanted a ride home.  Normally I would have been a little upset that her and Nuckter didnt plan their access visit properly and have things in place but instead I looked at it like I was lucky to have that extra time for the teenage conversation. 
Im glad I did, I found out how school pictures went, the ride on the city bus to school and even why she is upset about her visits with her Dad.  The car conversations give me my teenagers perspective on things that I would look at a different way.

Conversations in the car

I am fully submerged in raising two teenagers.  I closer to 17 than 16 year old and a 14 year old. 
What scares me is that I remember ME when I was those ages and HOLY CRAP!

It isn't always easy going with teens, and lots of time you don't really get to see inside their world, but for just a little while I get to peek.
These moments are when we are in the car (or van).  When I play chauffeur to them with their friends to the mall or the rink I get to hear both sides of their conversations about the boy in class who is so dorky (yet the giggle like crazy talking about him) or the new Justin Bieber song that they know all the words to.  It's my little window into their world that I wouldn't normally get to see.

While I enjoy the moments where I can see the interacting with their friends, I really look forward to the ones where it is just me and them.  One on one.  They talk more because they don't have to deal with the awkward eye contact and just feel more at ease.  There are no distractions like TV or computer in the car so we get the quality time I so long for sometimes.  I find myself having intelligent conversations with my teenagers that don't involve any anger or frustration by either parties. 

Tonight I volunteered to pick up my son from soccer tryouts because secretly I was wanting to hear how his first days of grade 11 have been going.  I was also lucky enough to have 30 minutes in the car when I drove him back to his Dad's.  We talked about current events, technology, school teachers, lawyers.  As a parent of a teenager I will take what I can get and I am getting a lot out of these conversations in the car.

Scattered

Not much of a blogger lately and since it is a little bit of therapy for me I am sorely missing it.  I have so many 'things' going on right now.  Not just things but thoughts and issues.
I knew this morning when I woke up with a very tender scalp (scalp psoriasis) caused from stress that I haven't been dealing as well as I was pretending I was with this things. 
It's always so easy to just say that everything is fine.  As I was driving my daughter to her first day of high school I was thinking about the things in my life that I have to change.

I still really need to work on the regrets I have with my Dad passing away.  I feel such guilt that I didn't spend as much time with him that I should have, that I didnt tell him I loved him every chance I get.  It's over a year and so much of my thoughts are consumed with the regrets.

The weekend visit with my Mom was hard on me.  Physically it was hard helping her transfer in and out of the car/wheelchair, helping her up the stairs etc.  Emotionally it was even harder.

The rest of these 'things' in my life that are scattered might not seem like big things when you look at it one piece at a time, but Im holding the whole bag of things.  I have to deal with all the responsibilities that come with my Mom...the housing application, banking, Canada Revenue etc.  I have to deal with all the paperwork for the insurance benefits for the kids, the booking of appointments, paying of our bills, registrations at schools and all the extracurricular activities.  Then I have the child support spreadsheet and all the expenses and tracking that I have to do for my ex-husband.
I could go on with the things but just writing them gives me that anxious feeling in my chest.

Mortality

Wow, 20 years ago the word never crossed my mind.  Unfortunately I have learned a lot about mortality over the past 20 years.  Recently the lessons have gotten a lot harder. 
This week my Mom, the last living parent that I have, is in the hospital suffering from complications from her congestive heart failure.  Just three short months ago she was admitted for the same reason.  The visits are being more and more frequent and it scares the hell out of me.
My Mom is not a healthy woman, I am not in denial about that.  She is a 61 year old woman suffering from congestive heart failure and MS.  She has a mechanical valve in her heart, has severe rheumatoid arthritis and osteoporosis.  She has limited ability to walk with a walker but spends much of her time in a wheelchair.  She has a permanent catheter due to the complications from MS.  Just reading about her medical problems written in black and white scares me.

I have experienced death in many packages.  I have lost young friends tragically and suddenly.  I have lost family after a long and painful battle with cancer.  I have also lost a father very suddenly.  I spend far too much time thinking about mortality. 
There is no easy way to think about it, there is no 'consolation' as they say.  Mortality sucks and the fact that my Mom is faced with her health crisis' and I am there to help look out for her, means that I have an even closer look at mortality.


I'm not sure who if any reads this blog but I am asking everyone to say a little prayer for my Mom.  While I am all to aware the meaning of mortality I dont want to be faced with it yet again.

Pretty shiny things

It's funny I have never been a girly girl.  Ponytails and bare minimum makeup, no fuss and no muss.  Quick and easy.

I am finding now that I've grown up and I'm a big girl I am liking some of the girlie things.
You will find two skirts and one dress in my closet! GASP!  Shocking for those who know me.   I also have quite the growing collection of pretty shiny things that I wear on my neck, wrist, fingers and ears.  I now get my nails done regularly and have even taken to the occasional pedicure.

Of course I still wear ponytails and there are many days where I go without makeup.  But I like feeling girlie.  It's amazing, even during one of my 'fat' or 'bad hair' days I can look at my manicured nails or my pretty painted toes and feel a little better.

Silly isnt it?

The Spectrum

Fall is always a time of change.  For me it is the time of beginnings.
This fall there is a whole lot of beginnings going on.

This is the beginning of Austin's grade 11.  This is the beginning of his first school year living with his Dad.
This is also the beginning of Tay's high school years.  This is a big beginning with a different school, classes to work towards graduation and post secondary choices in life.
This is also the beginning of McKinley's elementary school years.  She starts kindergarten this fall.  Sometimes it seems surreal that it could be 6 years since we found out we were expecting.
She is more than ready to start kindergarten, being eager to learn, loving to read and write, and being the social butterfly that she is.

Thinking about all of these beginnings I realize that I am experiencing the whole spectrum of beginning with the school years.  I can still remember Austin and Tay's first days of school and their kindergarten graduation.  I have now experienced two grade 8 graduations and all the emotions that come with it.  Which by the way are much similar to the kindergarten and playschool graduation emotions that I have experienced.
I obviously didnt plan this out well because next year I will be have my first grade 12 graduation to face.  My first born, the little man I brought into this world as a new young Mom, will be graduating from high school. And then a few short months later on the other end of the spectrum I will have my youngest....my little baby, taking his first steps off to kindergarten.
That is a lot of change and while it seems like they are on the opposite ends of the spectrum I imagine my feelings will be somewhat similar in the two instances.

My box filled with love

McKinley asked today to see the box on the piano window shelf.  This box has been sitting on the window shelf for almost a year.  It is up high so that the kids don't touch, but still there always with me.
I carefully brought the box down and read the verse on it

"A father's love is shown through his constant guidance,

his continuous support and unconditional love for the family,

his wisdome to know what makes the difference

A father's love is special and lasts a lifetime."

This little box, I explained to McKinley was my box filled with love from Poppa.  When Poppa went to heaven he left a piece of his heart with us so so that we would always know that he loves us.
I didn't go into the whole explanation of cremation and ashes, but tried to explain it simply so that a 5 year old would understand but not be upset by the thoughts.
I had some reservations about having a piece of my Dad with us after he passed away.  It wasn't something I had ever given any thought too and I wasn't sure it was something I wanted.
It look quite awhile before I was at peace with it.
The timing of my Dad's death was the first night in our new house and I was saddened that it was just yet another one of life's moments that I wouldn't be able to share with my Dad.
I am happy to say that I am comforted by having my Dad in my home.  Our family is a circle of strength and love.  My Dad is still and will always be a part of that circle.

Vacation #1

The family of 6 vacation is over and we survived. 
It turned out good considering I was worried about how Bob and Austin would interact while in close quarters.
Bob was polite and when Austin's attitude was getting to him he would get some space.
I am proud that my husband didnt let another person's attitude get the better of him and ruin his vacation.

I am a little disappointed in Austin.  He did not have the best vacation.   He was very mean to his sister just for the sake of being mean.  He teased and annoyed even the little kids to the point of tears. 
We had to come home early because Bob had to work and Austin instantly called his Dad and wanted to go home to his xbox.  No "goodbye" "thanks for the vacation" "see you soon".  Just out the door and to his precious xbox. 
He is no longer living with us full time, but that doesn't mean that our family rules don't apply to him when he is with us.  He is still trying to push that and have everyone play by his rules.

The lessons learned:
Just when I think Bob doesnt listen to me he proves me wrong
Austin is better in small doses and while he is growing up he still has a way to go.
Dont sweat the small stuff and just enjoy the time with family despite the hicccups.
And the most important lesson:  My family is MY Family and I love them.

A wise woman once wrote

As a psychotherapist, I've talked to women all over the country about a dirty little secret: Sometimes, stepmothers don't love their stepchildren. "I need to confess this to someone," they tell me. "I feel so bad about this, but I don't, um, I really just don't, um, you'll think I'm a horrible person for saying this, for admitting this, but, um, I just really don't love my stepchildren."
I laugh when they say this and they are taken aback. What kind of cruel and twisted therapist am I that I would laugh? But I am quick to reassure, "So what? Of course you don't love your stepchildren. Why should you? Just because you fell in love with their father doesn't mean you will automatically love his children. Some women do, but many women don't and there is nothing to feel guilty about!"
The relief on their faces or in the tone of their voices is immediate and palpable. Then the familiar kicker comes: "But my husband is demanding that I love his children. He expects me to love his children." At one of my recent "Stepmonster" support groups, one woman mumbled, "Last week, my husband told me that if I didn't love his son the way I love our daughter, he's going to divorce me." Her husband needed a big-time reality check.
When I married my husband almost 10 years ago, I had no expectation that he love any of my four children, children who were deep in the throes of adolescence and were quite busy totaling cars and getting underage drinking tickets. I wasn't greedy. My hope was that he would be able to tolerate them. Loving them was between him and them, and quite frankly, none of my business. But what I did expect from him was to treat my children in a loving and kind manner.
Some say that love is a conscious choice. I would revise that: Acting in a loving manner is a choice. As stepmothers, we can certainly act "as if" we love our stepchildren. We can act in ways that are loving and make choices in our daily lives to do so, but it doesn't mean that we have to "feel" the love. Nor should we feel guilty for not feeling something as profound and intimate as "love."
It's an awkward subject to be sure, and we don't need to announce while sitting around enjoying a nice glass of wine: "By the way, honey, I don't love your kids!" There's an advantage to diplomacy. But when we are pressed against the wall and cornered for an answer to the "do you love my children" question, my advice to stepmothers is to say, "I care deeply about the welfare of your children and am open to the possibilities of building on our relationship in ways that feel genuine and authentic for me."
I've found that stating that commitment, that intention, is enough for most well-reasoned husbands. Stepmothers simply cannot be the first-aid love doctor for their husbands, many of whom bring their own sense of shame and failure from their former marriages, and desperately want to have the new marriage clean up the messes from the first. It's not realistic and it's not fair.
The good news is this: We can have our cake and eat it too. We don't need to love our stepchildren, or even like them, to have successful marriages. But we would be wise to treat all the people that come into our lives with warmth, courtesy and kindness. Anything other than that, though, is just icing on the cake.

I cant tell you the number of times I have read and reread this post.   I have shared this with my friends and I have sent it to my husband.  
This is the torment that I am faced each time my oldest son comes into our home and spends time with us as a family.




This is by far the worst feeling....I have to choose between my child (which has already left our home) and my husband.  

Home again

They are home.....Austin and Tay came home last night.  It was such an exciting homecoming.  McKinley and Reid couldn't contain their excitement and ran outside to welcome them home.  They commented on how big the kids looked.  Layla smothered them with kisses and lapped up all the belly rubs.
I enjoyed the evening when the little ones were in bed and I got to have a conversation with the older two kids.  I heard about the camping trip and all the things they enjoyed. 

It was also nice going to sleep last night knowing all 4 kids were home.

Early this morning Reid, against my wishes went down into Austin's room to show him his pullup was still dry.  I'm sure Austin pretended to be just as excited as he was before he fell back asleep.

Tomorrow morning bright and early we are on the road for a few days of camping.  All the kids are excited and talk excitedly about all they are going to do.
Me.....I just smile and think about all the memories we are going to make.

Stepparents

My 5 year old asked me yesterday if she will get a stepdaddy like Tay and Austin have when she gets older.
She is starting to understand the divorced and blended families but it is still hard for a little one to figure out.
The little ones both miss Tay when she is gone and went through an adjustment period when Austin first moved to his Dad's. 
The other night Austin was over and he was helping with bedtime and hugging the kids and tucking them in and McKinley said "See you in the morning Austin".  Then there was a long pause where Austin and I didn't know what to say and McKinley says "oh ya you are at your Daddy's, but we will see you soon".
Even the kids are adjusting....it just takes time.  I think the part that makes is easier to handle is the time we do spend with Austin is so wonderful and positive.  The little ones love jumping on the trampoline with the big kids and playing motorcycles with them.  Austin has a real interest and interacts with the kids when he comes to visit. 
The family dynamic has changed and McKinley and Reid have even realized that things are different than they used to be.  But the part we have to focus on is that there is a lot more positive and healthy relationship moments in our family. 
That focus will help ensure McKinley & Reid dont get a stepdaddy when they get older :)

Promises

I promise to always love you...
I promise to always have fun with you!
I promise to admit when I am wrong!
I promise to respect you!
I promise to trust you!
I promise to give you freed and space!
I promise to worry about you!
I promise to forgive you!
I promise to help you find your dreams and let you live them!
And finally I promise to be here for you.....always!

These are my promises to my 16 year old son.  Some of these promises are really easy to do.
Always loving you....that is as easy and natural as every breath I take. 

Recently I have really been able to enjoy the time spent together and really have fun.
Admitting when I am wrong is not an easy one.  And I know I have passed on that stubborn hardheaded quality to my son.
As Austin grows and matures into a wonderful young man it is easy to respect and admire who he is becoming.
Trust is another one that is not easy, but he is really trying and working hard at repairing the damage we have in our relationship.  I see the effort he is putting in and know I have to work on the trusting.
I'm a Mom....worry and guilt are a given when you become a mother.  When I hear about a car accident my first instinct is to call or text my son to make sure he is ok.
Forgiveness is something that I am able to give, maybe not as quickly as he would like but because of my unconditional love for my son the forgiveness comes.
Helping him find his dreams and letting him them them...now seems like it would be an easy promise....but it's not.  In doing that I am helping him grow up and move on.  That is a tough one.  I want him to grow up, but not yet.

I will always and forever be here for Austin.  If it means just listening to the troubles of his day or a funny story from work.  It even means the little hugs and shoulder squeezes that without saying a word mean 'I love you'.  The little notes left on his pillow when he comes to visit that tell him how terribly proud I am of my son.
I hope as he grows up he knows how much I love him and want to keep those promises.

Chatterbox

My youngest has turned into a total chatterbox.  He has surprised me as he was nothing like the others in the sleeping, eating, talking developments.  I had assumed he would be more like his Dad.  The strong silent type.  Who knew he had so much me in him? :)
His chatter is constant from sun up to sun down.  And it is hilarious because if he doesnt know the word for something he just makes up a new one.  At the supper table today I heard three new words.  They flow in his sentences as if they had always existed.
Some of the commentary I could do without.  Like "This cauliflower is disgusting".  Luckily it was quickly followed by "What is disgusting?". 
He's starting to figure out feelings now.  When Grandpa gave him a toy he told me he was so proud.  Then later in the week he said his buddy Treyson hit him at daycare and he was so embarrassed.  I just have to smile and try to explain the different feelings.

I enjoy sitting back and watching my youngest two carry on a conversation.  Not that long ago McKinley was doing all the talking for the both of them, but now Reid not only talks he actually contributes to the conversation.  There they sit, growing up right before my very eyes.

You've got a friend in me

Andy: Now Woody, he's been my pal for as long as I can remember. He's brave, like a cowboy should be. And kind, and smart. But the thing that makes Woody special, is he'll never give up on you... ever. He'll be there for you, no matter what.

I watched Toy Story 3 for the 2nd time on the anniversary of my Dad's death.  I have to admit I openly cried during this show, in part from the story line and in part because of my emotions from the day.
But the end of the movie Andy spoke to ME.  He was telling me that Dad is brave, kind and smart.  He said that what makes my Dad special is that he'll never give up on me....ever.
He'll be there for me, no matter what.

Thanks Andy.

Some Great News

Friends of ours got some amazing news.  News they have been praying for.  Our friend who is battling leukemia has found out they have found him two perfect match donors.
I know they still have a long road ahead of them, but it is nice when your prayers are answered as you travel down the road. 
I will continue to send prayers and positive thoughts to Dwight, Laura and Ruby as they continue down their road.

One year ago today...

"You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on." 

 This is so comforting to read, but so damn hard to live!!!!

What would my Dad want me to do?

I have decided to take July 9th as a vacation day from work.  Luckily I have a wonderful boss who was there to support me at my Dad's funeral last year and who also lost her Dad a year previous.  She is fully supportive of me taking the day off. 
I have tried to figure out exactly what I want to do to get through this first anniversary date.  What would be the ideal thing for me to do to get past this?  All that is screaming in my head is "I JUST DON'T WANT THIS DAMN ANNIVERSARY" 

I am trying to reach deep down past all the anger and sadness to find the part of my heart that used to think "what would my Dad want me to do?"  I think he would want me to surround myself with love.
I am going to have a wonderful day with my family.   It will undoubtedly be filled with good times and hard times, but I think it is better if I have that expectation.

My oldest son who recently shared with me his decision to make his temporary move to his Dad's into a permanent one is going to spend the weekend with us.  That fills my heart with such happiness.  Somehow now that I am removed from the intense emotion of that unhealthy parenting situation I am able to enjoy a wonderful relationship with my son.  Austin has turned into a son that I am so proud of.  I am not going to say he is perfect, remember he is 16, but he is doing a great job of growing up into a wonderful young man.

I had many moments over the past year where I felt ashamed of how I parented him or my lack of parenting him.  Again it was another one of those "what would my Dad want me to do?" moments. 
Sometimes when I have those moments it isn't even some big life changing decision.  It could be something as simple as a check engine light on my van that comes on, or how I should hang the curtain tiebacks.  

Hopefully he will be watching down on my family this weekend with pride because I have done some of the things 'my Dad would want me to do'

Reflecting

I started blogging because I enjoyed reading a friends blog.  A little insight into her life that I really enjoyed.  Who would have known that I would get so much out of my own blog?
I have struggled and worked through issues that weighed heavily on my heart in my blog.  I have found acceptance and peace in my blogging over the months.

As the one year anniversary of my Dad's death is approaching I realize much of what I blog has to do with my Dad.  I'm thinking that means that I am still working through the grieving process and obviously my "I'm fine" response isn't always accurate.  As July 9th inches closer I get this anxious feeling my my heart and a lump in my throat. 
My biggest issue is that my Dad was ALONE when he left us.  The weeks leading up to his death were memorable in their own way with celebrity deaths; Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson.  I remember thinking that they were both too young to be gone, but never once thinking that death would soon take my Dad too soon.  I also remember being very busy with the purchase of our new house.  I was so excited the first night that we spent in our new home.  I was anxious as I was worried how the little ones would handle the new house for their first night. 
I was putting Reid to bed in his new room with his big boy bed and my Mom phoned.  I told Tay to tell Grandma that I would call her back after I was done putting Reid to bed as I didn't want to rush things and I wanted them to be perfect for Reid's first night.  Much of what happened after that is a blur. I remember Tay telling me that Grandma couldn't wait.  Picking up the phone I wondered what could be that important that she couldn't wait.  I heard my Mom hysterical on the other end of the phone.  She was screaming "He's gone, He's gone".  I remember hearing from my Mom how she was home alone with the RCMP came to the door to tell her that Dad had had a heart attack while unloading in semitruck in Saskatoon and that he was taken to the hospital but they were unable to save him.  I remember Mom saying that my brother was at the lake and that she was all alone.  I phoned my brother and heard him sobbing on the other end saying he was on his way to Mom and that they were getting the new camper set up and Mom & Dad were supposed to come out for a visit the next day.
Then things get fuzzy.  I remember laying on the cold tile of the bathroom floor and shaking.  I remember Bob holding me.  I even remember falling asleep for the first night in my new home without my Dad.  I know something in me changed that day and I dont think things will ever be the same. 
I am trying to find a way to make my way in the world without my Dad.  And even almost a year later I am still working through all the feelings I have.  Some days are better than others, but I still have anger, I have sadness and I have regret. 
Luckily for me this blog from my silly little blogs to the big emotional issues I am working through those feelings and learning how to live my life with my Dad in my heart and memories.

Another First

I had another first.  My first Father's Day without my Dad.  I had a father last Father's Day.  I remember wishing him a Happy Father's Day and sharing those memories with him.  I had no idea it would be the last one.  If I had only known.
This Father's Day I wanted to stay busy and focus on the kids and my wonderful husband who is a wonderful Father, but it was hard.  There were moments, like early this morning out at the lake sitting by myself thinking about all the Father's Day presents I made by hand for my Dad when I was little, all the whisker rubs I used to get from him. 

I remember having sympathy for friends who lost a parent, but until I joined that group I really couldn't comprehend how hard it was.

Today I am going to try to be happy and think about all the Father's Days I did share with him, but the overwhelming sadness of all the ones I will miss is making it hard.

I LOVE you Dad!  Probably more than you ever knew.
Happy Father's Day Dad!

What Cancer Cannot Do

It cannot cripple love

It cannot shatter hope

It cannot corrode faith

It cannot destroy peace

It cannot kill friendship

It cannot suppress memories

It cannot silence courage

It cannot invade the soul

It cannot steal eternal life

It cannot conquer the spirit

I can also tell you what cancer CAN DO.  It can bring friends and strangers together to fight for a common cause.  It can create an enormous support system for friends and families struggling.
It can bring 850 people together for one night in one room with an overwhelming outpouring of generosity and love, and it can remind everyone that life is important.

The Greatest Man

There are moments I can't believe it has only been a year, and then there are moments that it feels like forever since I have heard my Dad's voice, saw his face or felt his love.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish he was here.  I don't know how many times over the months I wished I could have picked up the phone to ask  him a question that I know without a doubt he could have answered for me.  I wish he didn't have to miss out on all the moments that he should have been a part of.  

I often read what my uncle read at my Dad's funeral.  I take comfort in the fact that he was so loved and he had touched so many lives.  I am grateful for the memories and I have to say that now months later I am able to share more and more of my memories of my Dad with others.  

I miss you every day Dad and pray you are at peace and proud of me.  (((((hugs)))))

The greatest man I never knew lived just down the hall
And everyday we said hello
But never touched at all
He was in his paper
I was in my room
How was I to know he thought I hung the moon

The greatest man I never knew came home late every night
He never had too much to say
Too much was on his mind
I never really knew him
And now it seems so sad
Everything he gave to us took all he had

Then the days turned into years
And the memories to black and white
He grew cold like an old winter wind blowing across my life

The greatest words I never heard I guess I'll never hear
The man I thought would never die has 'been dead almost a year
He was good at business
But there was business left to do
He never said he loved me
Guess he thought I knew

Reba McEntire             

Words of Wisdom from a 5 year old

"If you see a stranger and then you see a stranger again they are still a stranger and you shouldn't talk to them"



Those are the words of wisdom from my ever so clever 5 year old daughter, McKinley.  I love looking at life through her eyes.  It is such a wonder.

The Good, The Bad...

A few months ago my Mom for the first time in several years rode the bus from her town to our city.  I know she was nervous.  I know this because I was nervous waiting at the bus depot for her.  My Mom has MS and is in a wheel chair so I worried this would be too big a stress for her or that things wouldn't go smoothly.
When her bus arrived at the bus depot I waited until all the people cleared off the bus and I saw the employees lower my Mom in her lift.  She greeted me with a big smile.  That trip and the one returning her back home was a pleasant experience for both her and I.  So much that she has since done it two more times.
The week after that first trip I wrote an email to the bus company thanking them for the wonderful service.  From the security guard who was friendly and assisted with Mom's luggage to the bus driver who helped Mom on and off the bus.
I have to say I was taken a little off guard when I received not only a thank you email from the company, but a call from the CEO of the company.  He thanked me for taking the time to pass on our appreciation of the staff and service we received.
Why is it that when we don't get good service or get treated nicely we are the first to vocalize that, but when we receive exceptional service we are less likely to say something?
I am going to try to make a conscious effort to comment not only on the bad in my life but also the good.

Dedication

In the week leading up to my birthday I had joked with my husband that he could make his big vocal debut on my birthday. His band played at a friends benefit concert on my birthday. My husband is a very talented guitarist, but has never taken the step to singer.
Here are the emails that were sent back and in the days before the concert:

HUSBAND: I feel bad that I'm not doing more for your birthday with the benefit night we arent really celebrating.
ME: No worries, you can just make your vocal debut and sing a song for me as a birthday gift.
HUSBAND: I can't sing the Big Sugar songs the way Gordie Johnson does so I won't even try to compete with him.
ME: You don't have to sing Big Sugar tunes, you can pick whatever you like
HUSBAND: Crazy Bitch
ME: are you referencing the Buck Cherry song?
HUSBAND: no comment.

LOL, I love the witty banter that goes back and forth between us. He keeps me laughing.
It get's even funnier though, on Saturday night at the benefit night my husband who rarely speaks up in a crowd bigger than 6 people did the unexpected. He stepped up to the mic between songs and wished me a happy birthday and dedicated the next song to me. Of course my mind races thinking "Oh my god he is going to start singing Crazy Bitch!". Luckily common sense with his band prevailed and they started singing "Sugar" (one of my favorites).
A little later in the evening another band that was on stage broke into the chorus of Crazy Bitch which brought a smile to my face.  Too bad that song wasn't around for our wedding....would have made a great wedding song don't you think? :)

Perspective - Part 2

After spending Saturday evening at a benefit concert for a friend battling leukemia I have learned a little more about my perspective on life.
Along with 500+ friends & family I felt a tremendous urge to do what I could for a friend in need.  I was so proud of everyone in attendance. 
Human nature is a great thing.....we cannot help but do all we can for our friends and family in need.  The outpouring of love and support made me thankful for the wonderful friends I have and the great community we live in. 
I hate that I have lost someone to cancer, that I know someone with cancer, that there is not yet a cure for cancer.  But on the opposite end of the spectrum I love that we feel empathy, we have helped someone with cancer and we are all working towards a cure.

I can't help but be thankful for the wonderful life I have and the wonderful people that have blessed it.
That's today's perspective.

Perspective

I have been in a funk and trying to dig myself out.  I think if I can take a little time and think about the things that I am thankful for maybe that will brighten my somewhat negative attitude lately.

I love that Reid took a picture of Austin to daycare to hang on his locker to show 'his kids'.  Reid and his little buddies love to play 'Austin'.  This is a game where they take turns being Austin.  My heart almost burst out of my chest with love and pride when I think of this.

I am so terribly proud that my 16 year old, in the midst of all the turmoil we are dealing with has been nominated for an award at school.  He is a very talented young man in and has caught the attention of the teachers in  his drafting with his autocad designs and projects. 

I love the group of girls that I work with.  I am thankful that I have such a wonderful group of coworkers and such a terrific and understanding manager.  I think I am even more thankful for this because once upon a time I worked for the bitch boss.  I have gone through some very rough times with surgeries, the loss of my father and grandfather and I have gotten nothing but complete support and compassion from my manager and coworkers.  I am so touched by the thoughtfulness of others.

I am thankful for my healthy family.  On the eve of the benefit concert for a dear friend who is battling leukemia I realize that each day is a miracle and I have to be thankful for each and every single moment that I am given.

I truly appreciate my cleaning lady.  Walking into the house the afternoon that the cleaning lady has worked her magic makes me smile.  I feel this peace inside knowing that I can truly enjoy more of the weekend with my family because I dont have to stress about the chores. 

My FOAF friends.  By chance and many years ago I met a terrific group of women.  Over the years the 7 of us have become the best of friends.  Not a day goes by that I do not think of each of them and I can say with complete confidence that they do the same.  I am thankful for their wisdom, strength, support, compassion, laughter, and encouragement.  I would not be woman I am today had they no come into my lives.

I think it is so easy to give into the negative thoughts, but taking a few minutes to write down things that I am thankful for, that bring me happiness has changed that.  If I consciously choose to think about the good it is easy to change my perspective on things.  For now the funk has disappeared and I am left with some warm and fuzzy thoughts and a smile on my face.

Selfish Thoughts

I had to say goodbye to my Grandpa.  The funeral was beautiful and the readings that everyone contributed really showed what a wonderful person he was.  Each of his grandchildren wrote wonderful memories about a great grandpa.  I would like to say I handled it fine, but I had my moments.  Like reading the obituary where my Grandpa was predeceased by his son (my Dad).  That was hard reading it in black and white.  Hearing all the thoughts about he is in a better place and back with Grandma and my Dad.
I didn't want my Dad to be up there yet.  I wanted my Dad to be the 88 year old Grandpa that had 14 great grandchildren and whose eyes lit up when they visited him.  I selfishly wanted all those moments of watching my Dad grow older and holding his hand as he ages and becomes frail.  I wanted the funeral home to be filled with his grown children and his elderly friends and family.  I wanted them to say that he was at peace and healthy and that he had lived a long wonderful life.  I feel bad for having these thoughts, but more than anything I ache for the time me and my children were cheated out of with my Dad.

Brokenhearted

My heart is broken into tiny little pieces.  I know Nuckter didn't intentionally do it, and that in itself makes it hurt even more.  He told me how well his new wife is at dealing with Austin.  She is treating him more like a friend than a parent and it is really working.  He listens to her, he doesn't give her tone.  Things are going really well.  He listens to her and it's really working!
How can someone else take my place?  Not only is she replacing me she is doing a far better job.  She is doing what I couldn't with Austin.  And he likes her.  He enjoys her company and feels like she is a friend to him.  Up until now I have never felt threatened by her presence in my children's lives, but I feel it now.  Not only threatened but completely inadequate.

Grandpa

 A few weeks ago my Grandfather celebrated his 88th birthday.  The family came together at the senior's home to celebrate with him.  While he didn't speak loudly and was a little quieter than last year he was still Grandpa.  I will never forget taking the pictures of Grandpa with his grandkids and seeing the sheer joy on his face.  He laughed out loud watching his little great grandkids run and play. 
You don't quit laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
I felt so blessed to witness that special moment.  It is hard to believe it was just a few short weeks ago that we celebrated my Grandpa's birthday. 
Today my Grandpa went to sleep and didn't wake up.  A few posts ago I wrote about faith.  I have faith that my Grandpa is with Grandma and my Dad.  I also took some steps to ensure that I didn't have regrets about things left unsaid.  I told my Grandpa on his birthday that I loved him and I was so grateful to share in his special day.

My Grandmother (Mom's Mom) shared with me something a few months ago that is on my mind today.  She is a wonderful woman that I am grateful to as she shares her wisdom with me.  We were having our monthly lunch and talking about my Dad and how hard it was to lose him.  She shared with me that as you get older it not only gets easier to think about dying, but your thoughts on others passing away changes too.   She said when she was younger her thoughts at funerals were completely different than they are today.  She knows those who have lived a long and good life are passing on to something better, its the natural process and she has come to accept it.  She wanted me to remember that when I lose someone that I love. 
Such a wise woman.  I am so lucky to have had the wonderful grandparents that I have had. 
I will cherish and remember my Grandpa today and have faith that he is at peace and with the rest of the loved ones that I have lost.
Knowing all this won't stop the tears from falling.....

Moments

I miss Austin.

Weird I know, because most of our moments were ugly and disrespectful filled with yelling and arguing but they were interactions. And every once in awhile between those disrespectful moments there were good moments. There were even really great moments. So great that sometimes I forget about how ugly those other moments were.

Not only has he moved out of our home, he has moved right out of our lives.  He chose not to visit with us last week.  That broke my heart that he didn't want to.  My heart broke for me but also for Reid.  He loves his moments with Austin.   

While I know having him leave and move into his Dad's is still the right thing for everyone it is one of those things where doing the right thing does not make you feel good.

Austin passed his drivers exam last week.  I wasn't there for that moment.  Nuckter's wife was.  I would have cooked him his favorite meal in celebration.  I probably would have even given him some corny card with mushy 'mom' stuff written on it.  

Those are the moments that I miss.  

I do not miss his tone and "OK MOM" comments.  I don't miss the lying, stealing, yelling, disrespecting and disobeying.  I do not miss that pit in my stomach after the little kids witness one of those ugly moments.

I am not involved in his day to day happenings.  He is working at McDonald's and I have hardly heard any of the stories from him.  His report card is out this Thursday and I won't be the first one to see it.  For 16 years I was the primary caregiver, go to person, taxi driver, banker, chef and maid to Austin.  Its hard to step back and not do all those things because somewhere in between all of that there were really good moments.....moments I'm really missing today.

Quotes

These are some of my favorite quotes throughout my life:

My first really memorable book as a young child was Trumpet of the Swan.  This is a wonderful memory of my childhood.
"Tonight I heard Louis's horn. My father heard it, too. The wind was right, and I could hear the notes of taps, just as darkness fell. There is nothing in all the world I like better than the trumpet of the swan." - Trumpet of the Swan by EB White


This quote was from a plaque I received many many years ago and this quote still hangs in our home.  I love the idea of equating our family to a circle made of strength and love.  The births and unions, but also I need to hold on to the part about every crisis faced together making the circle stronger. 
"Our family is a circle of strength and love, with every birth and every union, the circle will grow, every joy shared adds more love, every crisis faced together, makes the circle stronger."

The family quote leads into my second favorite quote:  "That which doesn't break us makes us stronger" I rely on that one often. 

There was a book I read when I was a young adult titled Invincible Summer.  It was the story of a young man battling cancer.  It was the first book I read that dealt with death.  It moved me and to this day I have such a vivid recollection of this book.  I use this quote to remind me that whenever I think I am not able to have the strength within to do something that within me there is that invincible summer.
 "In the depths of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." - Albert Camus

Faith

I have always been a firm believer in the fact that things happen for a reason.  That doesn't mean I always understand the reasoning.  There are times I really struggle with this reasoning.  When my Dad died last summer that really shook me to the core and I struggled with my faith.  I am not overly religious, but I do believe there is a GOD and that things happen for a reason.  Many years ago I watched two of my grandparents fight the battle against cancer and lose.  It was not peaceful and painless for them.  I remember thinking that there had to be a better way.

Then myy Dad died very suddenly.  He was a truck driver.  He was in the middle of his shift.  I thank God he was not actually on the road when he had his heart attack.  He had stopped to unload just outside of Saskatoon.  The people that found him said that they had tried CPR and that the EMT had worked on him all the way to the hospital.  A few days after I spoke with his cardiologist and the staff at the hospital where he was brought.  They both told me that he died very quickly and there was nothing they could have done.  He was not in any pain.
I try to take comfort in that knowledge, but sometimes my selfishness gets the better of me.

While my grandparents were in pain the family was there with them.  We were able to hold their hands, caress their faces, give them hugs and tell them everything we wanted to say and say our goodbyes.  I try to be grateful that my Dad did not suffer, but he was alone and there was things that were left unsaid.
I wanted to say "I love you"  "I am thankful everyday for all the moments I had with you"  "All the little things you taught me throughout my life have helped me become who I am today"

I think back to 3 months before my Dad died.  He was at our house and because I was off work recovering from surgery myself we were able to spend a lot of time together.  He told me stories and things I had never known.  I saw a different side of my Dad that visit.  I saw some of his life when he was younger that he hadn't shared with me before.  I am so thankful for those days and moments that I had with him.  I like to think that was one of those things that happened for a reason and it gave us that extra time together because the end was near.

My Grandma Molly (my Dad's Mom) was one of those grandparents that I lost to cancer years ago.  Before she died she worried the most about my Dad.  She spoke of her concern to my Aunt.  She said that he was her quiet one out of her 4 kids and she worried about him after she would be gone.  I try to have faith and believe that my Dad was not alone when he died but that my Grandma Molly was there for him and she is finally able to care for him and know that he is alright.  I have to have faith and take a little comfort in that thought.

I understand that things have to happen for a reason, but I am one of those people that would love to know the reason before it happens.  That of course would make things easier and wouldn't involve much faith.

I need to have faith that things will work out.  Austin and I will get through this rough time.  I will try to have faith that I will be able to parent my kids so that they will grow into wonderful young adults.  I will also try to have faith that while I can't always know the answer to my why's that things do happen for a reason.
While I will try to continue to have that faith.  But I know there are things I can do to help.  I can help by not having those regrets of the things left unsaid.  I will let those that I love know every day that I love them and that I am thankful for their part in my life.  I will hug and kiss those people to show them that love.  I will caress the cheeks of my children and hold the hand of my husband.  That and Faith.....those are the things I can control

We can laugh

Me & Austin
Sometimes as ugly as things get between us we are a lot alike and we can laugh.
Nothing breaks the ice like laughter.  Last week while we were at the doctor's office waiting for his appointment he brought up one of my memorable moments as a parent. 
This moment is one that him and Tay love to remind me about.
I bet you're thinking its the McDonald's drive thru incident huh?  Well you're wrong...this one even trumps that.

When Austin and Tay were younger and it was just the three of us we were sitting around our table eating supper one evening.  We buy our milks in the big 4 litre plastic jugs.  There was what seemed like a little bit left in the bottom of the milk jug so I decided to do the lady like thing and drink it straight out of the jug.  Oh no, you have no idea where this is going. 
Of course the kids thought it was funny that their MOM was drinking out of the milk jug and they started laughing while I was drinking. 
Keep in mind this was the 4 litre jug and while it looks like there is only a teeny bit left in the jug it is actually quite a bit.  So, I swigged that milk back and because the kids were laughing at me and because I took a bigger than anticipated swig I had milk come out my nose.
Yes, my nose.  This is a moment that I am proud to say Austin and Tay will never forget.  They still to this day find it hilarious. 
Of course I try to deny it and tell them they are making it all up while laughing, but we all know and we use it when we need a laugh.

I'm glad I snorted milk....it is always something that no matter how ugly things are it can guarantee a laugh.

Simple Pleasures

Sometimes I try to think about the little things in my life that give me pleasure.  These are the moments that I need a little something to remind myself that there is good.
Here are some of mine:

* Catching my kids in acts of kindness to each other
* Crawling into bed when the sheets have that crisp cool feeling to them
* Layla's welcome when I come home from work
* A song on the radio that brings back a good memory
* The smell of winter carnival coffee in the morning
* My FOAF board
* A good hair day
* An extra long hug
* A glass of wine with a good friend
* A healthy family

Colourful Calendar

Our colour coded Microsoft word calendar that is updated and printed is the hub of our family.  Seriously it is one of the things that keeps me inches from insanity.  I have a copy on the fridge as well as one hanging on my wall at work.  That is my little grasp at organization and control in a somewhat chaotic and confusing family life.  Each family member has a colour.  No more kids as we are out of colours on the calendar :)

Working full time I have found that preparation is the key to getting through the weeks and the calendar helps.  Each night I look ahead at the following day and following week.  I get paperwork lined up, laundry prepped, garbage to the curb.  Kids lunches made or notes wrote for teachers.  Sometimes I think it would be so nice to have a calendar with nothing but the numbers on each date and not jam packed with activities and notes in several different colours.  Then I think about how different life would be without those colours.  I like my colourful life.  
The boys are three different shades of blue, Tay is pink, McKinley purple, I am orange.  The really important stuff is in red and visitation/weekday access information is in green.  This calendar tells me at a glance where someone is and when they have to be picked up.  It tells me where my husband is when he is on one of his several out of town trips for work.  It also tells me birthdays, anniversaries and important field trips.  It has our scheduled dentist appointments, hair appointments and all the extracurricular activities. 
I was thinking I have years of past calendars that started out as two basic colours (one for me and one for the kids) and through the years the calendars have evolved.  They are filled in with more events now and record our life moments.  If I was one of those truly organized women I would have the kids baby books filled out with these events and all the information. I'm not so I think I will settle for a colour coded calendar that stores our memories. 
I looked back to last year's calendar for April and my Dad stayed with us for a few days with his heart procedure and he helped me choose the right dishwasher repairman.  Austin underwent several appointments for ADD testing and assessment with a psychologist to ensure his medication was working correctly.  We put an offer on our new home, celebrated my Grandpa's birthday with family. 
Im glad I have these calendars cause while they are just little bits of information they help me remember the memories that go along with those colourful notes.

LOL

My husband is one of those people in my life that I can count on to make me laugh.  We are alike in that we have the same sense of humour and love to use sarcasm throughout our day.  To give you a few examples here are some recent emails between us:

ME: There is a great deal on dishwashers, check out this link www.sears.com (Note there is nothing wrong with our dishwasher but I want a new stainless steel one to match the other appliances)

BOB: I found a website with an even better deal, check this out www.wehaveadishwasherthatworksperfectlyfine.com

ME:  I'll remember when I come across the www.guitardealofalifetime.com (He is a guitar player with a music room full of guitars but ALWAYS looking)

BOB:  That site looked really good too bad the link doesn't work.

We had been trying to see the 3D Avatar movie for awhile but something always came up so we had plans a few weekends ago to go to the movies.

ME: Avatar 3D is no longer at the theater, just the regular version is showing.  Clash of the Titans is playing in 3D

BOB: You said you didn't really want to see it

ME:  It isn't on the top of my list but I really want to see and adult 3D movie

BOB: ADULT?????  I'm thinking some movies shouldn't be made into 3D

There are so many times when I just need to laugh, or at the very least just smile and think about a happy thought.  I'm thankful Bob is there to provide the entertainment.

Brotherly love

Age knows no boundaries for brotherly love.  My two sons are 13 years apart.  Reid loves his older brother and wants to do everything that Austin does.  You can see that blind and total adoration in his eyes when he looks at his big brother.
A little while ago I got a glimpse of that same adoration in my 16 year old's eyes.
I went into my 16 year old son's bedroom the other morning to see that Reid had crawled into bed with Austin and proceeded to talk to him about monster trucks and hot wheels.  As a 16 year old, any conversation at 7:00am is not typically polite, but they were laying there foreheads together chatting away.  His eyes were opened just a crack in protest of the early morning 'alarm', but he was agreeing and nodding right along.

The early morning moments of two brothers together are now going to be few and far between.  I hope they can sustain.   No matter what happens with our family I want that brotherly love to last forever.

39 Years

Today marks my parents 39th anniversary.  This should be a cause for celebration.  As a child growing up in their family I was not naive, they had their ups and downs, highs and lows.  I loved that I saw the good times and the bad so I grew up knowing that there were good times AND bad times and you still stuck together.
Sadly today is not a cause for celebration.  This is my parents first anniversary alone for my Mom.  I'm not even sure what one says to someone on their anniversary when their significant other is no longer there.

I read a quote recently that simply said.....“I will not love you for the rest of your life, but for the rest of my life.”  I guess while my Dad is gone the love is still there, the marriage is still there.  I believe my parents are tied together by the love they shared for the almost 39 years.  That love continues to be shared between this world and the next.  So, Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad.  I love you both and thank you for your example of a true marriage.

It's out there...

I said the words.....I can't take it back.
I told my first born, my very young 16 year old that if he cannot respect our family and our rules that he can no longer live here.
I am a little impatient and impulsive and I have said things that I regretted and didn't really mean.  Things that I wished I could have taken it back. 
This isn't one of those.
I realized today as I sat in a training course where I did not absorb even half of what I was taught and had a few tears escape me, that while I wish I didn't have to say those words they had to be said.  

He was home for less than 48 hours and I tried....I REALLY REALLY tried.  I think that made it that much harder because while I wasn't ready to give up and throw in the towel the realization that it was no longer an option hit me.  Austin is angry, defensive, manipulative and he doesn't even hear, really hear the way he says things to me anymore. 
It goes against every instinct I have to let him go. 

I said it....now please let me have a happy family again.

Family Dynamics

There are 6 of us, 7 if you count our furbaby Layla, but back in the very beginning we used to be three.  Austin, Tay and I. 
Looking back the first years as a single parent with two little kids I think we did alright.  I remember taking them camping in a tent, complete with chopping wood and making bushpies over the fire.  I also remember changing a flat tire on the side of the road with a three year old clinging to my leg (I have to admit having my Dad on the other end of the cell phone talking me through it made it easier). I remember buying my first car and my first house on my own.

And then I met Bob...back in the early years it was easy to blend Bob into our family.  He loved making Tay giggle.  He and Austin got along well playing video games, watching hockey and playing mini-sticks.  But somewhere along the way over the years and through a new marriage and two new babies to our family something changed.
Austin and Bob no longer get along.  It's not even that "teenage phase".  It is beyond that.  It's tough for me as I am stuck in the the middle.  I love my husband and I love my son.  I want them both to love each other and I want a big happy family.  Simple enough request right? :)  It would be easier if I didn't remember all the good memories.  I remember in the early years Bob took Austin to his first Edmonton Oilers hockey game (Tay and I stayed in the hotel room and watched the game on the TV as she was too little to enjoy it).  The boys came back after that game so excited, talking loudly and animatedly about the game.  Austin had such a great time.  Laying in bed that night Bob told me that he got tears in his eyes watching the whole experience through Austin's eyes. I knew at that moment that he cared for me and more importantly he cared for my children.
I don't know when it happened, or even exactly what happened, but all of that has changed.
I now see the scowls on their faces when they are both in the same room together.  I hear the tones that they each use to speak to each other.  I am hardly an impartial third party, but I can see the faults in both of them and I am still holding out hope that one day they will realize how much it would mean to me for them to try to get some of the relationship back that they had.   

Until that happens I sit here just mere inches from insanity.