Moments

I miss Austin.

Weird I know, because most of our moments were ugly and disrespectful filled with yelling and arguing but they were interactions. And every once in awhile between those disrespectful moments there were good moments. There were even really great moments. So great that sometimes I forget about how ugly those other moments were.

Not only has he moved out of our home, he has moved right out of our lives.  He chose not to visit with us last week.  That broke my heart that he didn't want to.  My heart broke for me but also for Reid.  He loves his moments with Austin.   

While I know having him leave and move into his Dad's is still the right thing for everyone it is one of those things where doing the right thing does not make you feel good.

Austin passed his drivers exam last week.  I wasn't there for that moment.  Nuckter's wife was.  I would have cooked him his favorite meal in celebration.  I probably would have even given him some corny card with mushy 'mom' stuff written on it.  

Those are the moments that I miss.  

I do not miss his tone and "OK MOM" comments.  I don't miss the lying, stealing, yelling, disrespecting and disobeying.  I do not miss that pit in my stomach after the little kids witness one of those ugly moments.

I am not involved in his day to day happenings.  He is working at McDonald's and I have hardly heard any of the stories from him.  His report card is out this Thursday and I won't be the first one to see it.  For 16 years I was the primary caregiver, go to person, taxi driver, banker, chef and maid to Austin.  Its hard to step back and not do all those things because somewhere in between all of that there were really good moments.....moments I'm really missing today.