Stress & Lessons Learned

I have always prided myself on managing the stress in my life. Which I think has been beneficial for me and my fight against MS.

What I didn't consider was the stress that affects those around me and how they handle it. And more importantly the guilt I feel for being a major source of that stress.
My recent MS attack was a stress in my life, lots of uncertainty and unknowns but I was still able to find the positive in it. There is no more denying or second guessing my disease. There was a shift in my focus back to my health and my family.

The stress I caused my husband by this attack wasn't as positive. He already had issues managing stress and doesn't have many tools to cope with the stressful moments in his life. I realize I am not the only factor in his life that causes him stress but I am not naive in realizing I am probably the #1, especially in peak moments like an attack.

I have learned some important lessons over the past few years thanks to my MS.

I am not defined by my MS. My life is about how I respond to this disease. Each step is like a test and often after the fact I find a lesson learned through it all.

The control that I had in my life before my diagnosis and miss every day was not real. I was comforted by something that didn't really exist. I had to let go of that notion. That is something I still struggle with. 

My husband, my family and my friends are the biggest reason why I still have my positive attitude and am able to handle the stress I am faced with. Their support through all this has made every obstacle that much easier to overcome.

3 years......a lifetime without my Dad

Today is a day filled with much sadness. 
3 years ago today I lost my Dad.  My thoughts of that day still bring tears. 
If I could just be with my Dad one more time I would tell him so many of the wonderful things that have happened since he left.  I would also tell him all the things I regret not saying when he was here.  I would love my Dad and make sure he knew just how much.

In the past two weeks I have had such a range of emotions from deep sadness to great pride and overwhelming love and sadness.
The day my 18 year old son graduated I was so proud of him and so grateful for my wonderful loving and healthy family.
Shortly after this big life moment event I had my 2nd MS attack. While I was shocked and saddened by my body failing me I was still on my high and taking comfort in the wonderful memories and feelings. Those feelings helped me through some scary and dark times.
Today is a sad day because everything I miss about my Dad comes to mind.  But there is hope and promise for today too.  Austin's first day of work is today.  He starts a new chapter in his life.  One I know my Dad would have been so proud of.

I have lived the last three years of my life without my Dad.  My grandfathers funeral, my sons graduation, our new home, 2 MS attacks.  How I wish he was here for all of the good  and bad moments.