Reflecting

I started blogging because I enjoyed reading a friends blog.  A little insight into her life that I really enjoyed.  Who would have known that I would get so much out of my own blog?
I have struggled and worked through issues that weighed heavily on my heart in my blog.  I have found acceptance and peace in my blogging over the months.

As the one year anniversary of my Dad's death is approaching I realize much of what I blog has to do with my Dad.  I'm thinking that means that I am still working through the grieving process and obviously my "I'm fine" response isn't always accurate.  As July 9th inches closer I get this anxious feeling my my heart and a lump in my throat. 
My biggest issue is that my Dad was ALONE when he left us.  The weeks leading up to his death were memorable in their own way with celebrity deaths; Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson.  I remember thinking that they were both too young to be gone, but never once thinking that death would soon take my Dad too soon.  I also remember being very busy with the purchase of our new house.  I was so excited the first night that we spent in our new home.  I was anxious as I was worried how the little ones would handle the new house for their first night. 
I was putting Reid to bed in his new room with his big boy bed and my Mom phoned.  I told Tay to tell Grandma that I would call her back after I was done putting Reid to bed as I didn't want to rush things and I wanted them to be perfect for Reid's first night.  Much of what happened after that is a blur. I remember Tay telling me that Grandma couldn't wait.  Picking up the phone I wondered what could be that important that she couldn't wait.  I heard my Mom hysterical on the other end of the phone.  She was screaming "He's gone, He's gone".  I remember hearing from my Mom how she was home alone with the RCMP came to the door to tell her that Dad had had a heart attack while unloading in semitruck in Saskatoon and that he was taken to the hospital but they were unable to save him.  I remember Mom saying that my brother was at the lake and that she was all alone.  I phoned my brother and heard him sobbing on the other end saying he was on his way to Mom and that they were getting the new camper set up and Mom & Dad were supposed to come out for a visit the next day.
Then things get fuzzy.  I remember laying on the cold tile of the bathroom floor and shaking.  I remember Bob holding me.  I even remember falling asleep for the first night in my new home without my Dad.  I know something in me changed that day and I dont think things will ever be the same. 
I am trying to find a way to make my way in the world without my Dad.  And even almost a year later I am still working through all the feelings I have.  Some days are better than others, but I still have anger, I have sadness and I have regret. 
Luckily for me this blog from my silly little blogs to the big emotional issues I am working through those feelings and learning how to live my life with my Dad in my heart and memories.