Faith

I have always been a firm believer in the fact that things happen for a reason.  That doesn't mean I always understand the reasoning.  There are times I really struggle with this reasoning.  When my Dad died last summer that really shook me to the core and I struggled with my faith.  I am not overly religious, but I do believe there is a GOD and that things happen for a reason.  Many years ago I watched two of my grandparents fight the battle against cancer and lose.  It was not peaceful and painless for them.  I remember thinking that there had to be a better way.

Then myy Dad died very suddenly.  He was a truck driver.  He was in the middle of his shift.  I thank God he was not actually on the road when he had his heart attack.  He had stopped to unload just outside of Saskatoon.  The people that found him said that they had tried CPR and that the EMT had worked on him all the way to the hospital.  A few days after I spoke with his cardiologist and the staff at the hospital where he was brought.  They both told me that he died very quickly and there was nothing they could have done.  He was not in any pain.
I try to take comfort in that knowledge, but sometimes my selfishness gets the better of me.

While my grandparents were in pain the family was there with them.  We were able to hold their hands, caress their faces, give them hugs and tell them everything we wanted to say and say our goodbyes.  I try to be grateful that my Dad did not suffer, but he was alone and there was things that were left unsaid.
I wanted to say "I love you"  "I am thankful everyday for all the moments I had with you"  "All the little things you taught me throughout my life have helped me become who I am today"

I think back to 3 months before my Dad died.  He was at our house and because I was off work recovering from surgery myself we were able to spend a lot of time together.  He told me stories and things I had never known.  I saw a different side of my Dad that visit.  I saw some of his life when he was younger that he hadn't shared with me before.  I am so thankful for those days and moments that I had with him.  I like to think that was one of those things that happened for a reason and it gave us that extra time together because the end was near.

My Grandma Molly (my Dad's Mom) was one of those grandparents that I lost to cancer years ago.  Before she died she worried the most about my Dad.  She spoke of her concern to my Aunt.  She said that he was her quiet one out of her 4 kids and she worried about him after she would be gone.  I try to have faith and believe that my Dad was not alone when he died but that my Grandma Molly was there for him and she is finally able to care for him and know that he is alright.  I have to have faith and take a little comfort in that thought.

I understand that things have to happen for a reason, but I am one of those people that would love to know the reason before it happens.  That of course would make things easier and wouldn't involve much faith.

I need to have faith that things will work out.  Austin and I will get through this rough time.  I will try to have faith that I will be able to parent my kids so that they will grow into wonderful young adults.  I will also try to have faith that while I can't always know the answer to my why's that things do happen for a reason.
While I will try to continue to have that faith.  But I know there are things I can do to help.  I can help by not having those regrets of the things left unsaid.  I will let those that I love know every day that I love them and that I am thankful for their part in my life.  I will hug and kiss those people to show them that love.  I will caress the cheeks of my children and hold the hand of my husband.  That and Faith.....those are the things I can control