Quotes

These are some of my favorite quotes throughout my life:

My first really memorable book as a young child was Trumpet of the Swan.  This is a wonderful memory of my childhood.
"Tonight I heard Louis's horn. My father heard it, too. The wind was right, and I could hear the notes of taps, just as darkness fell. There is nothing in all the world I like better than the trumpet of the swan." - Trumpet of the Swan by EB White


This quote was from a plaque I received many many years ago and this quote still hangs in our home.  I love the idea of equating our family to a circle made of strength and love.  The births and unions, but also I need to hold on to the part about every crisis faced together making the circle stronger. 
"Our family is a circle of strength and love, with every birth and every union, the circle will grow, every joy shared adds more love, every crisis faced together, makes the circle stronger."

The family quote leads into my second favorite quote:  "That which doesn't break us makes us stronger" I rely on that one often. 

There was a book I read when I was a young adult titled Invincible Summer.  It was the story of a young man battling cancer.  It was the first book I read that dealt with death.  It moved me and to this day I have such a vivid recollection of this book.  I use this quote to remind me that whenever I think I am not able to have the strength within to do something that within me there is that invincible summer.
 "In the depths of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." - Albert Camus

Faith

I have always been a firm believer in the fact that things happen for a reason.  That doesn't mean I always understand the reasoning.  There are times I really struggle with this reasoning.  When my Dad died last summer that really shook me to the core and I struggled with my faith.  I am not overly religious, but I do believe there is a GOD and that things happen for a reason.  Many years ago I watched two of my grandparents fight the battle against cancer and lose.  It was not peaceful and painless for them.  I remember thinking that there had to be a better way.

Then myy Dad died very suddenly.  He was a truck driver.  He was in the middle of his shift.  I thank God he was not actually on the road when he had his heart attack.  He had stopped to unload just outside of Saskatoon.  The people that found him said that they had tried CPR and that the EMT had worked on him all the way to the hospital.  A few days after I spoke with his cardiologist and the staff at the hospital where he was brought.  They both told me that he died very quickly and there was nothing they could have done.  He was not in any pain.
I try to take comfort in that knowledge, but sometimes my selfishness gets the better of me.

While my grandparents were in pain the family was there with them.  We were able to hold their hands, caress their faces, give them hugs and tell them everything we wanted to say and say our goodbyes.  I try to be grateful that my Dad did not suffer, but he was alone and there was things that were left unsaid.
I wanted to say "I love you"  "I am thankful everyday for all the moments I had with you"  "All the little things you taught me throughout my life have helped me become who I am today"

I think back to 3 months before my Dad died.  He was at our house and because I was off work recovering from surgery myself we were able to spend a lot of time together.  He told me stories and things I had never known.  I saw a different side of my Dad that visit.  I saw some of his life when he was younger that he hadn't shared with me before.  I am so thankful for those days and moments that I had with him.  I like to think that was one of those things that happened for a reason and it gave us that extra time together because the end was near.

My Grandma Molly (my Dad's Mom) was one of those grandparents that I lost to cancer years ago.  Before she died she worried the most about my Dad.  She spoke of her concern to my Aunt.  She said that he was her quiet one out of her 4 kids and she worried about him after she would be gone.  I try to have faith and believe that my Dad was not alone when he died but that my Grandma Molly was there for him and she is finally able to care for him and know that he is alright.  I have to have faith and take a little comfort in that thought.

I understand that things have to happen for a reason, but I am one of those people that would love to know the reason before it happens.  That of course would make things easier and wouldn't involve much faith.

I need to have faith that things will work out.  Austin and I will get through this rough time.  I will try to have faith that I will be able to parent my kids so that they will grow into wonderful young adults.  I will also try to have faith that while I can't always know the answer to my why's that things do happen for a reason.
While I will try to continue to have that faith.  But I know there are things I can do to help.  I can help by not having those regrets of the things left unsaid.  I will let those that I love know every day that I love them and that I am thankful for their part in my life.  I will hug and kiss those people to show them that love.  I will caress the cheeks of my children and hold the hand of my husband.  That and Faith.....those are the things I can control

We can laugh

Me & Austin
Sometimes as ugly as things get between us we are a lot alike and we can laugh.
Nothing breaks the ice like laughter.  Last week while we were at the doctor's office waiting for his appointment he brought up one of my memorable moments as a parent. 
This moment is one that him and Tay love to remind me about.
I bet you're thinking its the McDonald's drive thru incident huh?  Well you're wrong...this one even trumps that.

When Austin and Tay were younger and it was just the three of us we were sitting around our table eating supper one evening.  We buy our milks in the big 4 litre plastic jugs.  There was what seemed like a little bit left in the bottom of the milk jug so I decided to do the lady like thing and drink it straight out of the jug.  Oh no, you have no idea where this is going. 
Of course the kids thought it was funny that their MOM was drinking out of the milk jug and they started laughing while I was drinking. 
Keep in mind this was the 4 litre jug and while it looks like there is only a teeny bit left in the jug it is actually quite a bit.  So, I swigged that milk back and because the kids were laughing at me and because I took a bigger than anticipated swig I had milk come out my nose.
Yes, my nose.  This is a moment that I am proud to say Austin and Tay will never forget.  They still to this day find it hilarious. 
Of course I try to deny it and tell them they are making it all up while laughing, but we all know and we use it when we need a laugh.

I'm glad I snorted milk....it is always something that no matter how ugly things are it can guarantee a laugh.

Simple Pleasures

Sometimes I try to think about the little things in my life that give me pleasure.  These are the moments that I need a little something to remind myself that there is good.
Here are some of mine:

* Catching my kids in acts of kindness to each other
* Crawling into bed when the sheets have that crisp cool feeling to them
* Layla's welcome when I come home from work
* A song on the radio that brings back a good memory
* The smell of winter carnival coffee in the morning
* My FOAF board
* A good hair day
* An extra long hug
* A glass of wine with a good friend
* A healthy family

Colourful Calendar

Our colour coded Microsoft word calendar that is updated and printed is the hub of our family.  Seriously it is one of the things that keeps me inches from insanity.  I have a copy on the fridge as well as one hanging on my wall at work.  That is my little grasp at organization and control in a somewhat chaotic and confusing family life.  Each family member has a colour.  No more kids as we are out of colours on the calendar :)

Working full time I have found that preparation is the key to getting through the weeks and the calendar helps.  Each night I look ahead at the following day and following week.  I get paperwork lined up, laundry prepped, garbage to the curb.  Kids lunches made or notes wrote for teachers.  Sometimes I think it would be so nice to have a calendar with nothing but the numbers on each date and not jam packed with activities and notes in several different colours.  Then I think about how different life would be without those colours.  I like my colourful life.  
The boys are three different shades of blue, Tay is pink, McKinley purple, I am orange.  The really important stuff is in red and visitation/weekday access information is in green.  This calendar tells me at a glance where someone is and when they have to be picked up.  It tells me where my husband is when he is on one of his several out of town trips for work.  It also tells me birthdays, anniversaries and important field trips.  It has our scheduled dentist appointments, hair appointments and all the extracurricular activities. 
I was thinking I have years of past calendars that started out as two basic colours (one for me and one for the kids) and through the years the calendars have evolved.  They are filled in with more events now and record our life moments.  If I was one of those truly organized women I would have the kids baby books filled out with these events and all the information. I'm not so I think I will settle for a colour coded calendar that stores our memories. 
I looked back to last year's calendar for April and my Dad stayed with us for a few days with his heart procedure and he helped me choose the right dishwasher repairman.  Austin underwent several appointments for ADD testing and assessment with a psychologist to ensure his medication was working correctly.  We put an offer on our new home, celebrated my Grandpa's birthday with family. 
Im glad I have these calendars cause while they are just little bits of information they help me remember the memories that go along with those colourful notes.

LOL

My husband is one of those people in my life that I can count on to make me laugh.  We are alike in that we have the same sense of humour and love to use sarcasm throughout our day.  To give you a few examples here are some recent emails between us:

ME: There is a great deal on dishwashers, check out this link www.sears.com (Note there is nothing wrong with our dishwasher but I want a new stainless steel one to match the other appliances)

BOB: I found a website with an even better deal, check this out www.wehaveadishwasherthatworksperfectlyfine.com

ME:  I'll remember when I come across the www.guitardealofalifetime.com (He is a guitar player with a music room full of guitars but ALWAYS looking)

BOB:  That site looked really good too bad the link doesn't work.

We had been trying to see the 3D Avatar movie for awhile but something always came up so we had plans a few weekends ago to go to the movies.

ME: Avatar 3D is no longer at the theater, just the regular version is showing.  Clash of the Titans is playing in 3D

BOB: You said you didn't really want to see it

ME:  It isn't on the top of my list but I really want to see and adult 3D movie

BOB: ADULT?????  I'm thinking some movies shouldn't be made into 3D

There are so many times when I just need to laugh, or at the very least just smile and think about a happy thought.  I'm thankful Bob is there to provide the entertainment.

Brotherly love

Age knows no boundaries for brotherly love.  My two sons are 13 years apart.  Reid loves his older brother and wants to do everything that Austin does.  You can see that blind and total adoration in his eyes when he looks at his big brother.
A little while ago I got a glimpse of that same adoration in my 16 year old's eyes.
I went into my 16 year old son's bedroom the other morning to see that Reid had crawled into bed with Austin and proceeded to talk to him about monster trucks and hot wheels.  As a 16 year old, any conversation at 7:00am is not typically polite, but they were laying there foreheads together chatting away.  His eyes were opened just a crack in protest of the early morning 'alarm', but he was agreeing and nodding right along.

The early morning moments of two brothers together are now going to be few and far between.  I hope they can sustain.   No matter what happens with our family I want that brotherly love to last forever.

39 Years

Today marks my parents 39th anniversary.  This should be a cause for celebration.  As a child growing up in their family I was not naive, they had their ups and downs, highs and lows.  I loved that I saw the good times and the bad so I grew up knowing that there were good times AND bad times and you still stuck together.
Sadly today is not a cause for celebration.  This is my parents first anniversary alone for my Mom.  I'm not even sure what one says to someone on their anniversary when their significant other is no longer there.

I read a quote recently that simply said.....“I will not love you for the rest of your life, but for the rest of my life.”  I guess while my Dad is gone the love is still there, the marriage is still there.  I believe my parents are tied together by the love they shared for the almost 39 years.  That love continues to be shared between this world and the next.  So, Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad.  I love you both and thank you for your example of a true marriage.

It's out there...

I said the words.....I can't take it back.
I told my first born, my very young 16 year old that if he cannot respect our family and our rules that he can no longer live here.
I am a little impatient and impulsive and I have said things that I regretted and didn't really mean.  Things that I wished I could have taken it back. 
This isn't one of those.
I realized today as I sat in a training course where I did not absorb even half of what I was taught and had a few tears escape me, that while I wish I didn't have to say those words they had to be said.  

He was home for less than 48 hours and I tried....I REALLY REALLY tried.  I think that made it that much harder because while I wasn't ready to give up and throw in the towel the realization that it was no longer an option hit me.  Austin is angry, defensive, manipulative and he doesn't even hear, really hear the way he says things to me anymore. 
It goes against every instinct I have to let him go. 

I said it....now please let me have a happy family again.

Family Dynamics

There are 6 of us, 7 if you count our furbaby Layla, but back in the very beginning we used to be three.  Austin, Tay and I. 
Looking back the first years as a single parent with two little kids I think we did alright.  I remember taking them camping in a tent, complete with chopping wood and making bushpies over the fire.  I also remember changing a flat tire on the side of the road with a three year old clinging to my leg (I have to admit having my Dad on the other end of the cell phone talking me through it made it easier). I remember buying my first car and my first house on my own.

And then I met Bob...back in the early years it was easy to blend Bob into our family.  He loved making Tay giggle.  He and Austin got along well playing video games, watching hockey and playing mini-sticks.  But somewhere along the way over the years and through a new marriage and two new babies to our family something changed.
Austin and Bob no longer get along.  It's not even that "teenage phase".  It is beyond that.  It's tough for me as I am stuck in the the middle.  I love my husband and I love my son.  I want them both to love each other and I want a big happy family.  Simple enough request right? :)  It would be easier if I didn't remember all the good memories.  I remember in the early years Bob took Austin to his first Edmonton Oilers hockey game (Tay and I stayed in the hotel room and watched the game on the TV as she was too little to enjoy it).  The boys came back after that game so excited, talking loudly and animatedly about the game.  Austin had such a great time.  Laying in bed that night Bob told me that he got tears in his eyes watching the whole experience through Austin's eyes. I knew at that moment that he cared for me and more importantly he cared for my children.
I don't know when it happened, or even exactly what happened, but all of that has changed.
I now see the scowls on their faces when they are both in the same room together.  I hear the tones that they each use to speak to each other.  I am hardly an impartial third party, but I can see the faults in both of them and I am still holding out hope that one day they will realize how much it would mean to me for them to try to get some of the relationship back that they had.   

Until that happens I sit here just mere inches from insanity.

Introduction to Insanity

Welcome to my world!
It's funny because thinking back to a few years ago I was a firm believer that I had life under control. I love lists, I love scheduled tasks, I love knowing what comes next. Looking back now I realize that was just a false sense of security. I tried to control things that were out of my control. I am a Mom to 4 kids, that right there should have clued me in on the fact that there was going to be some insanity in my day to day life.
I am coming to terms with living with this insanity. Some days we can coexist together quite nicely...many days I even embrace the insanity.

I think I can qualify the insanity by giving an example. In my younger years with two little ones in the back seat I drove through the McDonald's drive-thru ordered, drove to the window to pay and then promptly drove right past the second window and was on my way home. I like to think the reason they renovated all the drive-thru line ups to make them a single pay and pick up window was because there are others out there like me...inches from insanity.