Pity Party

It was the party to beat all others last night.
There weren't a lot of people it attendance, just me, the honored guest.

Despite my usual attempt at being positive yesterday was bad. I was pitying things I didn't even have a right to. I was feeling sorry for myself because my Dad wasn't here for me. I was pissed that my brother, the avid drinker doesn't have cholesterol issues or neurological issues. I was even pitying myself for the really important things like not being able to write, put my hair in a ponytail, wear jeans or pick up my kids.

While this party was in full swing, I had an unexpected guest....a pity party crasher.
She didn't get the invite where it clearly stated "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to"
She came bearing gifts for this party and brought other party crashers. They all brought gifts of love and support. They brought words of encouragement and honesty. These are gifts I surrounded myself with last night.

While my party didn't end I realized that I wasn't alone and that it was ok to feel sorry for myself. It was ok to cry and it was perfectly fine to be so scared that it hurts to breathe.

I think yesterday it finally hit me that whatever THIS is it is going to suck. I have been so focused on fighting to get the medical care I need to diagnose this I have blocked out thoughts of the outcome. Once I let my mind go there I felt that fear.

I have gotten a lot of great support and love in the past few weeks but there is one thing that really stuck with me last night. In the middle of the harsh reality my friend was laying out for me she said some simple words that made me feel so loved.
She said, "We don't have a diagnosis yet" WE
I am not alone. I am not alone