I have a date.
The call came Wednesday evening while I was driving home from Tay's ringette practice. Bob was at home with the kids and he took the call. He then called my cell, which Tay answered because I was driving. When she relayed the information to me I was so happy I almost cried. The appointment was still 8 days away, but now there was a date and time. I could put it in the calendar. I could PLAN.
The previous night I shared a little more with Austin and Tay what is going on with me. They asked a few questions and I could tell they were worried. I'm so sorry I did that to them. I know exactly how they feel because I was around the same age when my mom went away to the hospital for surgery. The big difference is that my parents never shared with us so I was left knowing something was up but not knowing what it was. I thought the worst and I can still remember those feelings. I didn't want to put my kids through the same thing.
I know sharing a little more of my fears and the truths was hard on them, but in the end I think it is good.
Tay confirmed that I did the right thing in sharing this informayption with them. After the phone call with the MRI date she said, "The 3rd is a good day for an MRI. 3 is my favorite number, 33 is your favorite number. It's going to be a lucky day."
A few more sleeps and we have a lucky day.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Happy Hand Day
In light of all the recent birthday celebrations I was so happy to hear my 6 year old talk about the next party we are going to have.
She said we should bake a cake and have a party when my hand is all better. She even sang, "happy hand day to you........"
I love that she looks forward to the same day I do.
If you know me I am NOT a baker, but I will bake a cake, invite everyone to come and celebrate HAPPY HAND DAY!!!!
She said we should bake a cake and have a party when my hand is all better. She even sang, "happy hand day to you........"
I love that she looks forward to the same day I do.
If you know me I am NOT a baker, but I will bake a cake, invite everyone to come and celebrate HAPPY HAND DAY!!!!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Dream
I had the best dream last night. I was able to do everything again. The biggest and best part was the simplest thing and the first thing this horrible unknown 'thing' has taken away from me. My signature.
I miss signing my name. I had neat nice handwriting. Its gone, replaced with something worse that childish scribble. It is most embarrassing when I have to sign for my credit card. No one is going to believe that Im the same person who signed the back of that credit card.
I can still close my eyes and see my hand signing my name and feel the pen fit comfortably in my fingers. It's the little things that you take for granted I guess.
Going to hang on to the memories for as long as I can and hope one day to sign my name the same way again
I miss signing my name. I had neat nice handwriting. Its gone, replaced with something worse that childish scribble. It is most embarrassing when I have to sign for my credit card. No one is going to believe that Im the same person who signed the back of that credit card.
I can still close my eyes and see my hand signing my name and feel the pen fit comfortably in my fingers. It's the little things that you take for granted I guess.
Going to hang on to the memories for as long as I can and hope one day to sign my name the same way again
Day 28
28 days ago woke up with tingling in my thumb. Who would have ever guessed this is where I would be 28 days later, a tingly and numb entire right side.
I am trying to muster up all the patience I can find waiting for my MRI and hopefully a diagnosis.
The doctor burst my bubble yesterday. I am NOT going to wake up one morning and be normal. I was willing to work out a deal where if I patiently waited I would get that morning. Now what?
I am trying to muster up all the patience I can find waiting for my MRI and hopefully a diagnosis.
The doctor burst my bubble yesterday. I am NOT going to wake up one morning and be normal. I was willing to work out a deal where if I patiently waited I would get that morning. Now what?
Monday, February 21, 2011
A Day In The Life...
In the last month my life has changed so much.
I used to be the first out of bed at 6am, I showered, styled my hair, put on makeup, picked from a decent selection of work clothes and then took the time to wear some coordinating pieces of jewelery.
Mornings are no longer early out of bed. Mornings are the worst time of day for me. The tingling and swelling sensation is at it's worst. The first few steps out of bed are awkward. My morning shower has been lengthened as I am no longer able to easily shampoo my hair with my clumsy left hand.
There is no styling of the hair. I am not even able to put a ponytail in anymore. That realization came this weekend with a huge melt down of tears. Luckily my husband understood the important of that ponytail and helped me. There is no more makeup and the selection of clothes is much smaller since there can be no buttons or zippers. And heading out the door with the kids has done a complete role reversal. I used to do up their jackets and now they help me with my zippers.
There is no more going to work. I miss the social aspect and I also miss the work. Now no matter what I do I constantly have this fear running through my mind. I spend time organizing help with kids activities that I can no longer do like tying skates or putting hair into a ponytail for swimming. I also rest a lot more, because of what heavily weighs on my mind often keeping me awake at night.
I love the companion I have in the family dog, Layla. She is a good snuggler but not a great conversationalist.
Another change in my life is the fact that I am keeping such a huge part of my life from my Mom. I find myself avoiding telephone calls with her. Not only am I not telling her just exactly what is going on, I am lying to her and to my grandma. They both think I have carpal tunnel and am having surgery. It is hard to fake it when this health issue is consuming so much of my life. I have made the decision not to share this with them until I know more.
While I was typing this out I realized there are still similarities in my days. I still tuck my kids in bed and kiss them goodnight. I still laugh with my friends. I still do laundry and cook, but now with much help from my family. I still sit at the table and eat supper with my family and listen to everyones "favorite part of their day".
A day in the life, some of mine has changed but there are still things that remain the same
I used to be the first out of bed at 6am, I showered, styled my hair, put on makeup, picked from a decent selection of work clothes and then took the time to wear some coordinating pieces of jewelery.
Mornings are no longer early out of bed. Mornings are the worst time of day for me. The tingling and swelling sensation is at it's worst. The first few steps out of bed are awkward. My morning shower has been lengthened as I am no longer able to easily shampoo my hair with my clumsy left hand.
There is no styling of the hair. I am not even able to put a ponytail in anymore. That realization came this weekend with a huge melt down of tears. Luckily my husband understood the important of that ponytail and helped me. There is no more makeup and the selection of clothes is much smaller since there can be no buttons or zippers. And heading out the door with the kids has done a complete role reversal. I used to do up their jackets and now they help me with my zippers.
There is no more going to work. I miss the social aspect and I also miss the work. Now no matter what I do I constantly have this fear running through my mind. I spend time organizing help with kids activities that I can no longer do like tying skates or putting hair into a ponytail for swimming. I also rest a lot more, because of what heavily weighs on my mind often keeping me awake at night.
I love the companion I have in the family dog, Layla. She is a good snuggler but not a great conversationalist.
Another change in my life is the fact that I am keeping such a huge part of my life from my Mom. I find myself avoiding telephone calls with her. Not only am I not telling her just exactly what is going on, I am lying to her and to my grandma. They both think I have carpal tunnel and am having surgery. It is hard to fake it when this health issue is consuming so much of my life. I have made the decision not to share this with them until I know more.
While I was typing this out I realized there are still similarities in my days. I still tuck my kids in bed and kiss them goodnight. I still laugh with my friends. I still do laundry and cook, but now with much help from my family. I still sit at the table and eat supper with my family and listen to everyones "favorite part of their day".
A day in the life, some of mine has changed but there are still things that remain the same
Saturday, February 19, 2011
No regrets
This is a post from a blog in April titled Faith
So instead I will focus on what I can control. I will not leave anything left unsaid. Those important to me will have no doubt my feelings for them. That I can control and do. I promise I will.
xoxo
It has been on my mind lately. I am really digging and trying to accept that my failing health is happening for a reason.....but be damned if I can come up with anything.I understand that things have to happen for a reason, but I am one of those people that would love to know the reason before it happens. That of course would make things easier and wouldn't involve much faith.While I will try to continue to have that faith. But I know there are things I can do to help. I can help by not having those regrets of the things left unsaid. I will let those that I love know every day that I love them and that I am thankful for their part in my life. I will hug and kiss those people to show them that love. I will caress the cheeks of my children and hold the hand of my husband. That and Faith.....those are the things I can control
So instead I will focus on what I can control. I will not leave anything left unsaid. Those important to me will have no doubt my feelings for them. That I can control and do. I promise I will.
xoxo
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Highs & Lows
I had my share the past 21 days. My highs were the early days where my symptoms were so slight I could pretend nothing was happening, or the days I was given reassurance from my health care providers that they were working promptly to not only diagnose this, but help me get better. The lows were the days that my symptoms were bad or progressing. They were the moments I received the news that I had a 4 to 6 week wait for my MRI, and they were when another symptom arose that had all the signs of MS.
These highs and lows have caused a lot of stress in my life, stress that I so do not need right now. I desperately want my body to heal and today I realized that I need to find patience and accept that this is what my life is right now. I have been so worried about what I cannot do anymore and what I have played out in my mind that I will never do again that I have lost sight of the good.
I can still walk, my vision is unaffected, my speech still clear. I have 4 wonderfully healthy children, a great loving husband and friends who have provided me with a support system to get me through all those lows.
I have found a peace today in the midst of all this stress and chaos. I have made the choice not to go out of province for an MRI. People may not understand my reasoning, but if I choose to go it will be another very stressful week of waiting and then days after until the appt with the doctor. And there is a big possibility that the results may be inconclusive. I have changed my perspective and thinking today. With that change I feel a calmness which I need to get myself better.
I dont want people to think I have given up, because that is far from the truth. I am not giving up but conserving my energy to get healthy. I am learning patience and more importantly acceptance. I need to accept that I may have MS. If once I get that MRI it shows I dont have it then it will be the best news ever......and if not at least I will be steps ahead and stronger and ready to deal with it.
Thank you and please dont stop the prayers and positive thoughts
(((hugs)))
These highs and lows have caused a lot of stress in my life, stress that I so do not need right now. I desperately want my body to heal and today I realized that I need to find patience and accept that this is what my life is right now. I have been so worried about what I cannot do anymore and what I have played out in my mind that I will never do again that I have lost sight of the good.
I can still walk, my vision is unaffected, my speech still clear. I have 4 wonderfully healthy children, a great loving husband and friends who have provided me with a support system to get me through all those lows.
I have found a peace today in the midst of all this stress and chaos. I have made the choice not to go out of province for an MRI. People may not understand my reasoning, but if I choose to go it will be another very stressful week of waiting and then days after until the appt with the doctor. And there is a big possibility that the results may be inconclusive. I have changed my perspective and thinking today. With that change I feel a calmness which I need to get myself better.
I dont want people to think I have given up, because that is far from the truth. I am not giving up but conserving my energy to get healthy. I am learning patience and more importantly acceptance. I need to accept that I may have MS. If once I get that MRI it shows I dont have it then it will be the best news ever......and if not at least I will be steps ahead and stronger and ready to deal with it.
Thank you and please dont stop the prayers and positive thoughts
(((hugs)))
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Pity Party
It was the party to beat all others last night.
There weren't a lot of people it attendance, just me, the honored guest.
Despite my usual attempt at being positive yesterday was bad. I was pitying things I didn't even have a right to. I was feeling sorry for myself because my Dad wasn't here for me. I was pissed that my brother, the avid drinker doesn't have cholesterol issues or neurological issues. I was even pitying myself for the really important things like not being able to write, put my hair in a ponytail, wear jeans or pick up my kids.
While this party was in full swing, I had an unexpected guest....a pity party crasher.
She didn't get the invite where it clearly stated "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to"
She came bearing gifts for this party and brought other party crashers. They all brought gifts of love and support. They brought words of encouragement and honesty. These are gifts I surrounded myself with last night.
While my party didn't end I realized that I wasn't alone and that it was ok to feel sorry for myself. It was ok to cry and it was perfectly fine to be so scared that it hurts to breathe.
I think yesterday it finally hit me that whatever THIS is it is going to suck. I have been so focused on fighting to get the medical care I need to diagnose this I have blocked out thoughts of the outcome. Once I let my mind go there I felt that fear.
I have gotten a lot of great support and love in the past few weeks but there is one thing that really stuck with me last night. In the middle of the harsh reality my friend was laying out for me she said some simple words that made me feel so loved.
She said, "We don't have a diagnosis yet" WE
I am not alone. I am not alone
There weren't a lot of people it attendance, just me, the honored guest.
Despite my usual attempt at being positive yesterday was bad. I was pitying things I didn't even have a right to. I was feeling sorry for myself because my Dad wasn't here for me. I was pissed that my brother, the avid drinker doesn't have cholesterol issues or neurological issues. I was even pitying myself for the really important things like not being able to write, put my hair in a ponytail, wear jeans or pick up my kids.
While this party was in full swing, I had an unexpected guest....a pity party crasher.
She didn't get the invite where it clearly stated "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to"
She came bearing gifts for this party and brought other party crashers. They all brought gifts of love and support. They brought words of encouragement and honesty. These are gifts I surrounded myself with last night.
While my party didn't end I realized that I wasn't alone and that it was ok to feel sorry for myself. It was ok to cry and it was perfectly fine to be so scared that it hurts to breathe.
I think yesterday it finally hit me that whatever THIS is it is going to suck. I have been so focused on fighting to get the medical care I need to diagnose this I have blocked out thoughts of the outcome. Once I let my mind go there I felt that fear.
I have gotten a lot of great support and love in the past few weeks but there is one thing that really stuck with me last night. In the middle of the harsh reality my friend was laying out for me she said some simple words that made me feel so loved.
She said, "We don't have a diagnosis yet" WE
I am not alone. I am not alone
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Directions and a compass
Directions are something my husband doesn't like to use. I on the other hand thrive on the structure and the step by step aspect of it all. For a few days I was without my directions. I was completely lost. I let my mind wonder down all sorts of roads, roads that are maybe not necessarily the right direction.
Yesterday I faced these medical issues I have been dealing with head on I confided in Bob finally, sharing with him my fears and thoughts. We talked about the options we have regarding what directions we can use. My life, as scary and unknown as it is right now, has the direction that it was lacking.
It's funny because I dont know anything more about what is causing my body to fail. I still wake up with my entire right side numb. I still have all those fears. But now I also have direction. I have a plan, on Monday I have steps to take to put in place our directions.
A few posts ago I said knowledge was power but sometimes that knowledge is scary. I now know what is more frightening than the knowledge, its the unknown. Not knowing what is slowing taking away my physical abilities that I once took for granted is far more frightening. Because of this I now have purpose and drive to not only find out what is causing this, but to bring back everything that has been taken away. I have 4 children and a husband that need me. That is my direction. And luckily while our health care lacks direction I have so many supporters that are by my side providing me direction in case I get off track.
My supporters include my husband, who has been my rock but I have to remember to keep leaning on him and sharing everything with him. It also includes some close friends who have offered everything from watching the kids to shopping for groceries, a manager at work whose support is a breath of fresh air compared to the boss I had while dealing with McKinley's ear issues as a toddler. I feel her support as genuine and sincere and I appreciate it because it allows me to put my focus and energy where it needs to be right now. Lastly and certainly not least is my FOAF group of friends. This group, originally founded based on fertility issues has morphed into more than I would have ever dreamed. Over the past 6 years we have supported each other through fertility issues, pregnancy, parenting woes, financial crisis', family deaths, cancer. Each time anyone in the group needed support there was no hesitation. I have been supported as well as offered support to others. When I faltered in my courage to go to the doctor they gave me the courage. When I was convinced that I was going to take that wrong turn in my directions they steered me back into the right way.
I am thankful today for all the people in my life that proven to be my compass.
Yesterday I faced these medical issues I have been dealing with head on I confided in Bob finally, sharing with him my fears and thoughts. We talked about the options we have regarding what directions we can use. My life, as scary and unknown as it is right now, has the direction that it was lacking.
It's funny because I dont know anything more about what is causing my body to fail. I still wake up with my entire right side numb. I still have all those fears. But now I also have direction. I have a plan, on Monday I have steps to take to put in place our directions.
A few posts ago I said knowledge was power but sometimes that knowledge is scary. I now know what is more frightening than the knowledge, its the unknown. Not knowing what is slowing taking away my physical abilities that I once took for granted is far more frightening. Because of this I now have purpose and drive to not only find out what is causing this, but to bring back everything that has been taken away. I have 4 children and a husband that need me. That is my direction. And luckily while our health care lacks direction I have so many supporters that are by my side providing me direction in case I get off track.
My supporters include my husband, who has been my rock but I have to remember to keep leaning on him and sharing everything with him. It also includes some close friends who have offered everything from watching the kids to shopping for groceries, a manager at work whose support is a breath of fresh air compared to the boss I had while dealing with McKinley's ear issues as a toddler. I feel her support as genuine and sincere and I appreciate it because it allows me to put my focus and energy where it needs to be right now. Lastly and certainly not least is my FOAF group of friends. This group, originally founded based on fertility issues has morphed into more than I would have ever dreamed. Over the past 6 years we have supported each other through fertility issues, pregnancy, parenting woes, financial crisis', family deaths, cancer. Each time anyone in the group needed support there was no hesitation. I have been supported as well as offered support to others. When I faltered in my courage to go to the doctor they gave me the courage. When I was convinced that I was going to take that wrong turn in my directions they steered me back into the right way.
I am thankful today for all the people in my life that proven to be my compass.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
My Tomorrows
Every night I pray I will wake up normal. Each morning my prayers are unanswered.
This morning as I lay in bed I started feeling tingling in my right leg.
Im not normally one of those people but I said,"Why me?"
Today is my baby girls birthday party and I am going to try to make it special and as normal as possible for her. I buttoned up my jeans with complete frustration. I did her hair with extra effort making sure she had the birthday party hairdo. I am going to try to will myself back to normal tomorrow.
This morning as I lay in bed I started feeling tingling in my right leg.
Im not normally one of those people but I said,"Why me?"
Today is my baby girls birthday party and I am going to try to make it special and as normal as possible for her. I buttoned up my jeans with complete frustration. I did her hair with extra effort making sure she had the birthday party hairdo. I am going to try to will myself back to normal tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)