The Teenage Brain

Ok, I hope I didn't get anyone too excited thinking I had to secret to figuring the teenage brain out.  In reality I am sitting here puzzled and wondering how the thought process works in a teenagers mind...or if in fact there is even a thought process.

My oldest is going to be 17 in mere months.  As you know from previous posts he moved out of our house into his Dad's almost 6 months ago.  He didn't want to live by our house/family rules and that was the consequence.  One that he was happy with.  He had the view that the grass was greener on the other side and couldn't wait to move out and leave behind all the stupid rules, responsibility and expectations.

There has been a complete role reversal since Austin has moved in with his Dad.  Nuckter calls me and I can hear the weariness in his voice, I recognize the helplessness in his sighs.  How come EVERYONE else can get it but the one person that NEEDS to doesn't?  I had years of that weariness and helplessness trying to raise Austin, but from this side of the fence it doesn't look as bad.  Luckily the years of experience behind me I am able to remember just how difficult it was.  And it was difficult, but it was difficult for everyone.

I have been informed that Austin is failing classes, skipping entire days of school to stay home and play xbox all day long, stay up late sneaking on the xbox until 4am, missing shifts at work.  He is disappointing family and friends. I had to reassure my exhusband that he was doing the right thing.  That I know it is a lot of work and often it isn't fair to the rest of the family.  I also had to tell him that he has to look at the bigger picture.  The "worst thing that could happen" game that I often play in my head. 
Austin may not pass all his classes this year.  The worst thing that could happen would be that he repeats a year and doesnt graduate as planned.
Austin is missing shifts at work, the worst thing is that he could be fired and would lose his cell phone, car, xbox etc until he gets another job.
It's this worst thing game that has my mind wonder down some darker paths.....
Austin isnt taking his medication, the worst thing would be if he was selling/giving his medication to someone else to abuse
Austin is lying and stealing from family/friends, the worst thing would be if he was arrested.
Austin is very impulsive and without his medication he acts without thinking.....the worst thing would be if he was in an accident.

I pray that one day soon Austin's teenage brain starts to work and he considers the worst thing that could happen.
Until then I just do the best I can with what tools I have.

Happy Anniversary

I am celebrating 7 years of wedded bliss today. 
I love everything about our anniversary.  I love the fall season - the orange and red leaves, the crisp morning air.  I love the memories of the wonderful day we had with our family and friends.  I love looking back at the pictures of when we 'officially' became a family.  Our marriage has evolved and grown over the past 7 years.  I remember over 10 years ago when I met Bob.  We were both much younger and weary about calling anything a 'relationship'.  We enjoyed spending time together and in the beginning didn't want to even think about getting serious.  As the months went on we realized that we both had the same sense of humour and values in life.  Before we knew it, we were a couple.  Certainly not something either of us had wanted when we started dating, but the heart wants what the heart wants right?

Our marriage has never oozed with romance, but thats because like the sense of humour and values, we also feel the same about the romance.  I love the random hugs and kisses for no reason.  We both aren't big fans of public displays of affection.  It isn't that we don't have those feelings we just choose to show it differently.

Our marriage, while still very important, has taken a back burner to raising our family.  We made the choice to raise 4 children.  That takes a lot of energy.  It also takes a lot of love.  We built our family with our 4 children from our marriage.  It was the strong foundation on which our family stands. 
Like my favorite saying that I have painted on my dining room wall....."Our family is a circle of strength and love". 
Today I am celebrating the beginning of that family 7 years ago, and appreciating how wonderful that marriage has been and still is.
I LOVE YOU BOB (this is a DPA, but I'll break the rules just once :) )

32 cents

I haven't shared this with anyone. In the nightstand drawer next to my pillow I have 1 quarter 1 nickel and 2 pennies. This is the change that was in my Dad's jeans the day he died. It is most likely that he held that money in his hands just hours before he passed away. I like to hold it in my hands. I think of the saying "penny for your thoughts" and try to think of some of the thoughts he had but never shared. I also think of all the thoughts and memories I have of him that I remember and share with my loved ones.

I have 4 coins,pocket change that to some people wouldn't mean much. To me it means so much more than 32cents

Virtual Support

Fertility Clinic Doctor Sued

The above article was shared with me this morning by a dear friend.  I have known her for several years.  We met as a part of online group forum where women were struggling to conceive.  While she has moved on from the group, she has remained on my mind and in my heart.
She shared with me several months ago this story and it broke my heart.  I cannot even imagine what she and her husband have gone through and continue to go through.
I feel she is one of the strongest women that I have 'met'.  She is very well spoken and wise and I know she is going to make sure that this doctor is held accountable for his mistakes and that her story is heard.
What saddens me is that there are so many people in the world that are so narrow minded and ignorant.  This family has had a true injustice happen to them.  Never ONCE have they questioned their love of their beautiful daughter, but they want the doctor to accept the responsibility for his actions and ensure this never happens again.  There are issues medically and genetically that come into play when sperm donors are mixed up.
What makes this truly hard for me to imagine her going through is that there is even ONE person out there that directs such hurtful and completely baseless comments towards her.

I am happy to say that all of the family and friends I have shared her story with have been nothing but shocked by the doctors actions and lack of responsibility and empathetic towards my friend and her family.
As for the small group of people that throw comments with no merit or basis at my friend, I hope karma exists.
Until then I will continue to shower my love and support on this wonderful woman and her family and share this story with the rest of the world that supports her.

The black sheep

My entire life I always thought I was the black sheep of my family. 
I spoke my mind and sometimes said what I thought needed to be said but that others sometimes didn't want to hear. 
I went against my families wishes several times.  They didn't want me to end my first marriage.  I will always remember my Mom's voice over the phone when I finally had the courage to tell her that we were separated and would be getting a divorce.  Her words, "I am not going to tell your Dad but you have to fix this and take him back.  No one is ever going to want you with two little kids". 
I would sit in on my parents medical appointments and instead of just agreeing with everything I would question them and ask for further information.   I have called doctors and gotten answers that my parents weren't always forthcoming with.  I have said what others thought but would never speak.

Sadly today I realized that being the black sheep of the family isn't a bad thing. 
The black sheep is strong willed and independent.  She is outspoken and inquisitive.  She is generous and fiercely protective of her family.  The black sheep is supportive and loyal, she values her family and makes sacrifices for her family. 
This black sheep is saddened by the brother sheep that has turned his back on the family and the mother sheep who cannot appreciate the help of others or have the humbleness to admit she is wrong. 

Happy Birthday

Today is my Dad's birthday.  He would have been 62 today.  It is a hard day for me, wishing he was here to share the special day with us.  I would have loved to bake a cake for him and watch him with his grandkids on his knee as he blew out the candles. 

I will try to take comfort in the memories I am left with.  Here is one of them:
Reid has a sweet tooth and Poppa found a way to get Reid to say his first sentence.  It was before Reid was 2 years old and my parents were down for a visit and they had stopped and bought a chocolate cake to have after our family supper.  After supper I served up the pieces of chocolate cake and Reid was a boy on a mission and ate his piece in record time.  Without hesitation he held up his plate and very clearly said, "More cake please".  Tonight I will serve up a chocolate cake in memory of Poppa/Dad.

I love you Dad.

Me! Me! Me!

I have been by myself since 11am this morning.
The older two kids are with Nuckter, the younger two went with Daddy to the lake for a visit with Grandpa & Grandma.

I can't even explain how much I enjoyed today.
I strolled down isles of the store that I didn't even need anything in because I had time and no kids in tow.
I had several uninterrupted phone conversations.
I ate and didn't eat what I wanted and when I wanted.
I FOAF'd to my hearts content
I listened to MY music ALL day long.  I turned it up loud and sang along.
I peed with the bathroom door shut and in solitude.
I cleaned and organized (now this might not seem like fun, but for those that know me they will know that I was in my element).
I didn't have to break up any arguments or listen to whining.

This is truly a blessing and I intend to enjoy every second of it.  Hopefully when the break is over I will be recharged and ready to take on anything!

Further car conversations

Funny thing happened after I posted my last blog last night.  Within hours of posting that I received a call from my teenage daughter.  She wanted a ride home.  Normally I would have been a little upset that her and Nuckter didnt plan their access visit properly and have things in place but instead I looked at it like I was lucky to have that extra time for the teenage conversation. 
Im glad I did, I found out how school pictures went, the ride on the city bus to school and even why she is upset about her visits with her Dad.  The car conversations give me my teenagers perspective on things that I would look at a different way.

Conversations in the car

I am fully submerged in raising two teenagers.  I closer to 17 than 16 year old and a 14 year old. 
What scares me is that I remember ME when I was those ages and HOLY CRAP!

It isn't always easy going with teens, and lots of time you don't really get to see inside their world, but for just a little while I get to peek.
These moments are when we are in the car (or van).  When I play chauffeur to them with their friends to the mall or the rink I get to hear both sides of their conversations about the boy in class who is so dorky (yet the giggle like crazy talking about him) or the new Justin Bieber song that they know all the words to.  It's my little window into their world that I wouldn't normally get to see.

While I enjoy the moments where I can see the interacting with their friends, I really look forward to the ones where it is just me and them.  One on one.  They talk more because they don't have to deal with the awkward eye contact and just feel more at ease.  There are no distractions like TV or computer in the car so we get the quality time I so long for sometimes.  I find myself having intelligent conversations with my teenagers that don't involve any anger or frustration by either parties. 

Tonight I volunteered to pick up my son from soccer tryouts because secretly I was wanting to hear how his first days of grade 11 have been going.  I was also lucky enough to have 30 minutes in the car when I drove him back to his Dad's.  We talked about current events, technology, school teachers, lawyers.  As a parent of a teenager I will take what I can get and I am getting a lot out of these conversations in the car.

Scattered

Not much of a blogger lately and since it is a little bit of therapy for me I am sorely missing it.  I have so many 'things' going on right now.  Not just things but thoughts and issues.
I knew this morning when I woke up with a very tender scalp (scalp psoriasis) caused from stress that I haven't been dealing as well as I was pretending I was with this things. 
It's always so easy to just say that everything is fine.  As I was driving my daughter to her first day of high school I was thinking about the things in my life that I have to change.

I still really need to work on the regrets I have with my Dad passing away.  I feel such guilt that I didn't spend as much time with him that I should have, that I didnt tell him I loved him every chance I get.  It's over a year and so much of my thoughts are consumed with the regrets.

The weekend visit with my Mom was hard on me.  Physically it was hard helping her transfer in and out of the car/wheelchair, helping her up the stairs etc.  Emotionally it was even harder.

The rest of these 'things' in my life that are scattered might not seem like big things when you look at it one piece at a time, but Im holding the whole bag of things.  I have to deal with all the responsibilities that come with my Mom...the housing application, banking, Canada Revenue etc.  I have to deal with all the paperwork for the insurance benefits for the kids, the booking of appointments, paying of our bills, registrations at schools and all the extracurricular activities.  Then I have the child support spreadsheet and all the expenses and tracking that I have to do for my ex-husband.
I could go on with the things but just writing them gives me that anxious feeling in my chest.