When I was first diagnosed with MS I remember posting about knowledge being power. I would be up late at night googling the disease that I was fighting. I felt empowered knowing so much about a disease with so many unknowns.
Today I realized that while I have done my research and due diligence with the CCSVI procedure there are setbacks to knowledge. I know a lot about this procedure and this knowledge makes me scared. I dont like being scared, takes away that feeling of power.
I had another terrible night with little sleep last night. Something that is becoming a habit unfortunately. The sleepless nights are because I have knowledge and hope. The knowledge gives me the fear. Fear of the actual procedure causing pain, fear of something going wrong, even the fear of them NOT finding a blockage of the MRV. Thats the hope part that keeps me awake at night. I lay awake at night with thoughts of my normal hand returning. I try to imagine what it would be like after my procedure the first time I feel my right hand again. The hope is for the future too. I have hope that the CCSVI will change the path I am on with the diagnosis of multiple sclerosis.
These thoughts keep me awake at night and consume much of my waking moments too. I have to find a way to stay focused. To not let the fear get the better of me. To still have hope, but keep the hope realistic.
How do I do that from now until December 4th without burying my head in the sand??
Hey! This is a journey and here is something I have learned along the way...
ReplyDeletesometimes it is ok to keep your head buried in the sand a bit. you need to be knowledgable but also trust in your docs. You have decided to have the ccvsi based on your research. no need now to read every possible story out there on it. let it go, relish in the fact that a decision is made and hope for the best. start worrying the week before...any other worry beyond that is a waste of your precious time. it's hard, but keep trying. sometimes denial is a great place to be. your procedure will come and the outcome will be what it is regardless of how much yout torture yourself b'ween now and then.
i love you tons!
xoxox