Stepparents

My 5 year old asked me yesterday if she will get a stepdaddy like Tay and Austin have when she gets older.
She is starting to understand the divorced and blended families but it is still hard for a little one to figure out.
The little ones both miss Tay when she is gone and went through an adjustment period when Austin first moved to his Dad's. 
The other night Austin was over and he was helping with bedtime and hugging the kids and tucking them in and McKinley said "See you in the morning Austin".  Then there was a long pause where Austin and I didn't know what to say and McKinley says "oh ya you are at your Daddy's, but we will see you soon".
Even the kids are adjusting....it just takes time.  I think the part that makes is easier to handle is the time we do spend with Austin is so wonderful and positive.  The little ones love jumping on the trampoline with the big kids and playing motorcycles with them.  Austin has a real interest and interacts with the kids when he comes to visit. 
The family dynamic has changed and McKinley and Reid have even realized that things are different than they used to be.  But the part we have to focus on is that there is a lot more positive and healthy relationship moments in our family. 
That focus will help ensure McKinley & Reid dont get a stepdaddy when they get older :)

Promises

I promise to always love you...
I promise to always have fun with you!
I promise to admit when I am wrong!
I promise to respect you!
I promise to trust you!
I promise to give you freed and space!
I promise to worry about you!
I promise to forgive you!
I promise to help you find your dreams and let you live them!
And finally I promise to be here for you.....always!

These are my promises to my 16 year old son.  Some of these promises are really easy to do.
Always loving you....that is as easy and natural as every breath I take. 

Recently I have really been able to enjoy the time spent together and really have fun.
Admitting when I am wrong is not an easy one.  And I know I have passed on that stubborn hardheaded quality to my son.
As Austin grows and matures into a wonderful young man it is easy to respect and admire who he is becoming.
Trust is another one that is not easy, but he is really trying and working hard at repairing the damage we have in our relationship.  I see the effort he is putting in and know I have to work on the trusting.
I'm a Mom....worry and guilt are a given when you become a mother.  When I hear about a car accident my first instinct is to call or text my son to make sure he is ok.
Forgiveness is something that I am able to give, maybe not as quickly as he would like but because of my unconditional love for my son the forgiveness comes.
Helping him find his dreams and letting him them them...now seems like it would be an easy promise....but it's not.  In doing that I am helping him grow up and move on.  That is a tough one.  I want him to grow up, but not yet.

I will always and forever be here for Austin.  If it means just listening to the troubles of his day or a funny story from work.  It even means the little hugs and shoulder squeezes that without saying a word mean 'I love you'.  The little notes left on his pillow when he comes to visit that tell him how terribly proud I am of my son.
I hope as he grows up he knows how much I love him and want to keep those promises.

Chatterbox

My youngest has turned into a total chatterbox.  He has surprised me as he was nothing like the others in the sleeping, eating, talking developments.  I had assumed he would be more like his Dad.  The strong silent type.  Who knew he had so much me in him? :)
His chatter is constant from sun up to sun down.  And it is hilarious because if he doesnt know the word for something he just makes up a new one.  At the supper table today I heard three new words.  They flow in his sentences as if they had always existed.
Some of the commentary I could do without.  Like "This cauliflower is disgusting".  Luckily it was quickly followed by "What is disgusting?". 
He's starting to figure out feelings now.  When Grandpa gave him a toy he told me he was so proud.  Then later in the week he said his buddy Treyson hit him at daycare and he was so embarrassed.  I just have to smile and try to explain the different feelings.

I enjoy sitting back and watching my youngest two carry on a conversation.  Not that long ago McKinley was doing all the talking for the both of them, but now Reid not only talks he actually contributes to the conversation.  There they sit, growing up right before my very eyes.

You've got a friend in me

Andy: Now Woody, he's been my pal for as long as I can remember. He's brave, like a cowboy should be. And kind, and smart. But the thing that makes Woody special, is he'll never give up on you... ever. He'll be there for you, no matter what.

I watched Toy Story 3 for the 2nd time on the anniversary of my Dad's death.  I have to admit I openly cried during this show, in part from the story line and in part because of my emotions from the day.
But the end of the movie Andy spoke to ME.  He was telling me that Dad is brave, kind and smart.  He said that what makes my Dad special is that he'll never give up on me....ever.
He'll be there for me, no matter what.

Thanks Andy.

Some Great News

Friends of ours got some amazing news.  News they have been praying for.  Our friend who is battling leukemia has found out they have found him two perfect match donors.
I know they still have a long road ahead of them, but it is nice when your prayers are answered as you travel down the road. 
I will continue to send prayers and positive thoughts to Dwight, Laura and Ruby as they continue down their road.

One year ago today...

"You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on." 

 This is so comforting to read, but so damn hard to live!!!!

What would my Dad want me to do?

I have decided to take July 9th as a vacation day from work.  Luckily I have a wonderful boss who was there to support me at my Dad's funeral last year and who also lost her Dad a year previous.  She is fully supportive of me taking the day off. 
I have tried to figure out exactly what I want to do to get through this first anniversary date.  What would be the ideal thing for me to do to get past this?  All that is screaming in my head is "I JUST DON'T WANT THIS DAMN ANNIVERSARY" 

I am trying to reach deep down past all the anger and sadness to find the part of my heart that used to think "what would my Dad want me to do?"  I think he would want me to surround myself with love.
I am going to have a wonderful day with my family.   It will undoubtedly be filled with good times and hard times, but I think it is better if I have that expectation.

My oldest son who recently shared with me his decision to make his temporary move to his Dad's into a permanent one is going to spend the weekend with us.  That fills my heart with such happiness.  Somehow now that I am removed from the intense emotion of that unhealthy parenting situation I am able to enjoy a wonderful relationship with my son.  Austin has turned into a son that I am so proud of.  I am not going to say he is perfect, remember he is 16, but he is doing a great job of growing up into a wonderful young man.

I had many moments over the past year where I felt ashamed of how I parented him or my lack of parenting him.  Again it was another one of those "what would my Dad want me to do?" moments. 
Sometimes when I have those moments it isn't even some big life changing decision.  It could be something as simple as a check engine light on my van that comes on, or how I should hang the curtain tiebacks.  

Hopefully he will be watching down on my family this weekend with pride because I have done some of the things 'my Dad would want me to do'

Reflecting

I started blogging because I enjoyed reading a friends blog.  A little insight into her life that I really enjoyed.  Who would have known that I would get so much out of my own blog?
I have struggled and worked through issues that weighed heavily on my heart in my blog.  I have found acceptance and peace in my blogging over the months.

As the one year anniversary of my Dad's death is approaching I realize much of what I blog has to do with my Dad.  I'm thinking that means that I am still working through the grieving process and obviously my "I'm fine" response isn't always accurate.  As July 9th inches closer I get this anxious feeling my my heart and a lump in my throat. 
My biggest issue is that my Dad was ALONE when he left us.  The weeks leading up to his death were memorable in their own way with celebrity deaths; Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson.  I remember thinking that they were both too young to be gone, but never once thinking that death would soon take my Dad too soon.  I also remember being very busy with the purchase of our new house.  I was so excited the first night that we spent in our new home.  I was anxious as I was worried how the little ones would handle the new house for their first night. 
I was putting Reid to bed in his new room with his big boy bed and my Mom phoned.  I told Tay to tell Grandma that I would call her back after I was done putting Reid to bed as I didn't want to rush things and I wanted them to be perfect for Reid's first night.  Much of what happened after that is a blur. I remember Tay telling me that Grandma couldn't wait.  Picking up the phone I wondered what could be that important that she couldn't wait.  I heard my Mom hysterical on the other end of the phone.  She was screaming "He's gone, He's gone".  I remember hearing from my Mom how she was home alone with the RCMP came to the door to tell her that Dad had had a heart attack while unloading in semitruck in Saskatoon and that he was taken to the hospital but they were unable to save him.  I remember Mom saying that my brother was at the lake and that she was all alone.  I phoned my brother and heard him sobbing on the other end saying he was on his way to Mom and that they were getting the new camper set up and Mom & Dad were supposed to come out for a visit the next day.
Then things get fuzzy.  I remember laying on the cold tile of the bathroom floor and shaking.  I remember Bob holding me.  I even remember falling asleep for the first night in my new home without my Dad.  I know something in me changed that day and I dont think things will ever be the same. 
I am trying to find a way to make my way in the world without my Dad.  And even almost a year later I am still working through all the feelings I have.  Some days are better than others, but I still have anger, I have sadness and I have regret. 
Luckily for me this blog from my silly little blogs to the big emotional issues I am working through those feelings and learning how to live my life with my Dad in my heart and memories.

Another First

I had another first.  My first Father's Day without my Dad.  I had a father last Father's Day.  I remember wishing him a Happy Father's Day and sharing those memories with him.  I had no idea it would be the last one.  If I had only known.
This Father's Day I wanted to stay busy and focus on the kids and my wonderful husband who is a wonderful Father, but it was hard.  There were moments, like early this morning out at the lake sitting by myself thinking about all the Father's Day presents I made by hand for my Dad when I was little, all the whisker rubs I used to get from him. 

I remember having sympathy for friends who lost a parent, but until I joined that group I really couldn't comprehend how hard it was.

Today I am going to try to be happy and think about all the Father's Days I did share with him, but the overwhelming sadness of all the ones I will miss is making it hard.

I LOVE you Dad!  Probably more than you ever knew.
Happy Father's Day Dad!

What Cancer Cannot Do

It cannot cripple love

It cannot shatter hope

It cannot corrode faith

It cannot destroy peace

It cannot kill friendship

It cannot suppress memories

It cannot silence courage

It cannot invade the soul

It cannot steal eternal life

It cannot conquer the spirit

I can also tell you what cancer CAN DO.  It can bring friends and strangers together to fight for a common cause.  It can create an enormous support system for friends and families struggling.
It can bring 850 people together for one night in one room with an overwhelming outpouring of generosity and love, and it can remind everyone that life is important.