Likes

• Crisp and cool sheets when you crawl into bed
• A really close parking space in busy parking lot
• Random hugs
• Laughing until you cry
• "Thank you Mom"
• Feeling the burn from a good workout
• A favourite song on the radio
• Discovering money in a pocket
• Good morning & good night kisses
• Just because kisses

My Today Body

Yesterday I returned to yoga after a very long break.  I was very anxious about the class as it is the day after my needle and I have a hard time even with the simple things after my needle.

It was like the yoga instructor knew my situation.  We spent the entire class working on recovery poses, she spoke of our 'today body' and how we will do what we can today with the body we have today.
It was exactly what I needed to hear.  My today body on Mondays is not the same body it is any other day of the week.  I am glad I was reminded that there is benefits when daoing what you can with what you have.

My needle on Sunday was the second worst needle to date for me.  I know this because the worst time I was brought to tears and contemplated going to the ER.  Sunday I was brought to tears again.  The word I would use for the pain I felt was excrutiating. 
As painful and extreme as the side effects were I woke up the next morning and with my 'today body' I did what I could.

Will there be a day where I say no more?  There may come a day, but for right now my today body will continue on.

Options

I'm learning that there are always options.  The tricky part is being open to these options.  You need to look for and actually be open to the option.

See sometimes you are given things in life that you didn't plan on.  I've been spending a lot of my energy trying to accept my new normal.  What I didnt spend much time on was entertaining possible other options. 
I know the reason why I didn't spend time thinking about the different options to manage my new normal in life.  It's cause if I look at other options to manage that means I am accepting this is permanent. 

Lately I have been feeling cheated.  How come after my first attack I didn't return to my normal?  How come my normal was now disabled?  How come after my second attack the normal is even worse? 
I know people see the change in my hand and the ability I have in it.  I try to brush off  the questions because I dont want to acknowledge that it has gotten worse and that it is my new normal.  Normal is the complete opposite of how I feel. 

I need to explore my options and be open to the fact that things are going to be different.  It will be different for now, maybe for  a long time and maybe even forever.  But I can't live in limbo anymore I need to be open to the options and willing to change.

Deep Understanding

Funny how I wrote my last blog about grief.  I was reminded today how my grief has enabled me to understand more deeply.

This morning my brothers girlfriends father passed away suddenly from a heart attack. And just like that all the emotions from three years ago were right there. Before my Dad died I didn't understand that grief, that crippling pain, the feeling that you will never take a deep breath again. Now I understand what true grief consists of. I have empathy for what my brothers girlfriends family is going through but also for what my brother and mother are dealing with. This brings all the hurt to the surface.

I went to visit my Mom on Sunday at her new permanent room in the Melville nursing home. I felt a sense of peace and acceptance from her. I was very proud of how well she has adjusted to the changes over the past few months. Because she seemed more at peace with her life right now I too felt a sense of peace. I felt less anxious not only knowing my Mom was safe in a seniors home, but also relieved that she has found a way to accept where her place in life is right now. She is finding acceptance and happiness with where she is. Not always an easy feat so I am very proud of my Mom.

In the midst of the grief and the reminder of the loss of my Dad, I hope Mom can remember to appreciate what she has and love those around her.

Forever Changed

This happened to me.  I read this quote and I was able to relate to it. The losses I have experienced over the past few years; my Dad's death, the diagnosis of MS, my physical disabilities, my grandfathers death, my Moms declining health.  They have all sculpted and changed me into who I am today. 

I can understand more deeply because of my life experiences. I have empathy and compassion because of my grief. The life I have lived has made it easier for me to relate to others and understand. 

I can appreciate what I have because of what I have lost. This one is hard because it is easy to sometimes focus on the negative. On the things you have lost. I have to appreciate what I have right now because I know how quickly things can change. 

I have blamed it on old age and hormones as the reason I cry more easily and love more openly. I am beginning to understand that it is the pain from the grief that has changed me into someone who isn't afraid to hug and tell someone how much I love them. It has made me cry during one of my children's firsts or lasts moments, during movies, while typing my blog entries. 

Loving more openly and appreciating more deeply are good things that come from the pain and grief.  The hurt that I often feel is one of the bad things.  I ache for my Dad, worry for my Mom and fear for my future. 

There are times that the hurt feels as it is going to consume me, but luckily the grief and pain has also made me able to hope more desperately. 

Hope is an amazing and powerful thing. With hope all things are possible. I reread my blog from my darkest times when I was going through my first attack and while there was immense sadness and fear, there was a desperate hope. A hope that I never gave up on. I have hope that my life with MS will be different than my Moms. I have hope that I have not passed down this disease on to my children. I have hope that my Mom will find comfort in her new safe home. 

This hope makes the pain and grief tolerable.

Home is...

Yesterday I moved me Mom into her interm placement nursing home.  I wanted to make the move as easy as possible for her.  What I forgot to think about was just how sad I was going to be about my Mom moving into a nursing home.  It hit me last night.  As cheerful and happy as the staff are, as welcoming as the residents are it is still a sad step in her life.  All these months my Mom has kept saying she is too young to be in  a nursing home.  At 63 that isn't what your life should be.  My Mom and Dad should be enjoying their golden years.

I am too young to have a Mom in a nursing home.  My kids are too young to have a grandma they can only visit in a nursing home.  I wanted more visits to our house....more Christmas mornings here, more weekend trips to visit with us.

I am angry and sad.  I am also scared.  Scared because she doesnt have that fight in her anymore.  I am also scared that these same feelings are what my own children will be going through in 25 years. 

I need to stay positive and have faith that my Mom will be safe.  I need to remember wherever she is there will be love.

New Year.....New Possibilities

Today is the first day of 2013. A clean slate for a new year.

I have resolutions for 2013 and as always I feel much more accountable when put it in my blog.

#1.  Make a Will
       This doesn't need much explaining. Considering my health is always in the back of my mind I feel guilt I have not been responsible and done up a Will for not only my peace of mind but my husband and family too. This summer my brother and I were faced with some difficult choices and thoughts when we almost lost my Mom.  After she had an advance directive drawn up with the social worker and discussed some hard topics with us.  I want to make sure these hard decisions are taken care of.

#2.  Run!
       Now that I'm not doing it anymore I realize how much I miss running and how good I felt when I was running. I know I felt better physically and emotionally when I ran and I want to get back to that.

#3.  Lose 30lbs
       I'm hoping if I break it down into smaller goals it will be easier to attain. 5lbs a month for 6 months. And with the exercise classes and hopefully the gradual increase in running that will be a goal I can achieve.

#4.  Spend 'quality' time with my family
       My Mom's failing health has reminded me of the regret I had after I lost my Dad. I don't want to have those same regrets with my Mom or anyone that I love. Mom seems so fragile and broken since she was put in the hospital I want so badly to make sure she has a happy life and knows every day how much she is loved.

#5.  Don't lose sight of what is truly important in life.
       Sometimes I let the important things in life slip away. I get caught up in making sure the house is just so, things are in order. I get in my head that I need to work a certain amount in order to feel worthwhile and that I am succeeding. I forget to say no when I am tired and pay for it later. I am going to try to focus on my health, my family and my friends.

Once I post this it's going to be out there.....a constant reminder of what my resolutions were for 2013. It can be a reference point for me to check back on when I forget any of these things.

The first day of a new year is a great time to make resolutions, but it is also a great time to reflect on the wonders that are present in your life right now. And today I am very aware and very grateful for all my good things.

Best of 2013 everyone.