Knowing too much

Knowledge is power.....but power isn't always good.
I am very knowledgeable about MS and the effects it has on your body, on your mind, on your marriage, on your family, on your future, your life.

I went to the doctor today willing with all my heart for him to tell me I was being paranoid and overreacting.  It didn't play out that way.  I went for xrays of my spine and have an appointment next week with a neurologist.  He does not think it is carpal tunnel syndrome. 

I was so proud that I was calm and clear in the appointment and explained things without rambling but being concise. 
When I got to the car I fell apart.  It would be so much easier for me to accept the possibility of MS if I didn't know the terrible things it has done to my Mom.  She isn't even the same person she used to be. 

As I sit here clumsily typing with my numb and tingling hand I wonder what will come.  I am scared to wake up in the morning.  Last Thursday I woke up with a tingling thumb, Friday it was my pinky and ring finger and palm.  Saturday I awoke to a numb arm from my elbow down which progressed to my entire arm on Sunday.  This morning I pretended I was brave enough to phone the doctor and face this, but in reality I was so scared because I realized the right side of my body from my neck to my waist was numb.

How am I going to get through the next week?  How will I face my appt with the neurologist knowing he might not be able to tell me what I want to hear? 
How will I get through this?  How can I pretend everything is normal for the kids?

Most importantly How will I feel tomorrow morning?