I haven't shared this with anyone. In the nightstand drawer next to my pillow I have 1 quarter 1 nickel and 2 pennies. This is the change that was in my Dad's jeans the day he died. It is most likely that he held that money in his hands just hours before he passed away. I like to hold it in my hands. I think of the saying "penny for your thoughts" and try to think of some of the thoughts he had but never shared. I also think of all the thoughts and memories I have of him that I remember and share with my loved ones.
I have 4 coins,pocket change that to some people wouldn't mean much. To me it means so much more than 32cents
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Virtual Support
Fertility Clinic Doctor Sued
The above article was shared with me this morning by a dear friend. I have known her for several years. We met as a part of online group forum where women were struggling to conceive. While she has moved on from the group, she has remained on my mind and in my heart.
She shared with me several months ago this story and it broke my heart. I cannot even imagine what she and her husband have gone through and continue to go through.
I feel she is one of the strongest women that I have 'met'. She is very well spoken and wise and I know she is going to make sure that this doctor is held accountable for his mistakes and that her story is heard.
What saddens me is that there are so many people in the world that are so narrow minded and ignorant. This family has had a true injustice happen to them. Never ONCE have they questioned their love of their beautiful daughter, but they want the doctor to accept the responsibility for his actions and ensure this never happens again. There are issues medically and genetically that come into play when sperm donors are mixed up.
What makes this truly hard for me to imagine her going through is that there is even ONE person out there that directs such hurtful and completely baseless comments towards her.
I am happy to say that all of the family and friends I have shared her story with have been nothing but shocked by the doctors actions and lack of responsibility and empathetic towards my friend and her family.
As for the small group of people that throw comments with no merit or basis at my friend, I hope karma exists.
Until then I will continue to shower my love and support on this wonderful woman and her family and share this story with the rest of the world that supports her.
The above article was shared with me this morning by a dear friend. I have known her for several years. We met as a part of online group forum where women were struggling to conceive. While she has moved on from the group, she has remained on my mind and in my heart.
She shared with me several months ago this story and it broke my heart. I cannot even imagine what she and her husband have gone through and continue to go through.
I feel she is one of the strongest women that I have 'met'. She is very well spoken and wise and I know she is going to make sure that this doctor is held accountable for his mistakes and that her story is heard.
What saddens me is that there are so many people in the world that are so narrow minded and ignorant. This family has had a true injustice happen to them. Never ONCE have they questioned their love of their beautiful daughter, but they want the doctor to accept the responsibility for his actions and ensure this never happens again. There are issues medically and genetically that come into play when sperm donors are mixed up.
What makes this truly hard for me to imagine her going through is that there is even ONE person out there that directs such hurtful and completely baseless comments towards her.
I am happy to say that all of the family and friends I have shared her story with have been nothing but shocked by the doctors actions and lack of responsibility and empathetic towards my friend and her family.
As for the small group of people that throw comments with no merit or basis at my friend, I hope karma exists.
Until then I will continue to shower my love and support on this wonderful woman and her family and share this story with the rest of the world that supports her.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
The black sheep
My entire life I always thought I was the black sheep of my family.
I spoke my mind and sometimes said what I thought needed to be said but that others sometimes didn't want to hear.
I went against my families wishes several times. They didn't want me to end my first marriage. I will always remember my Mom's voice over the phone when I finally had the courage to tell her that we were separated and would be getting a divorce. Her words, "I am not going to tell your Dad but you have to fix this and take him back. No one is ever going to want you with two little kids".
I would sit in on my parents medical appointments and instead of just agreeing with everything I would question them and ask for further information. I have called doctors and gotten answers that my parents weren't always forthcoming with. I have said what others thought but would never speak.
Sadly today I realized that being the black sheep of the family isn't a bad thing.
The black sheep is strong willed and independent. She is outspoken and inquisitive. She is generous and fiercely protective of her family. The black sheep is supportive and loyal, she values her family and makes sacrifices for her family.
This black sheep is saddened by the brother sheep that has turned his back on the family and the mother sheep who cannot appreciate the help of others or have the humbleness to admit she is wrong.
I spoke my mind and sometimes said what I thought needed to be said but that others sometimes didn't want to hear.
I went against my families wishes several times. They didn't want me to end my first marriage. I will always remember my Mom's voice over the phone when I finally had the courage to tell her that we were separated and would be getting a divorce. Her words, "I am not going to tell your Dad but you have to fix this and take him back. No one is ever going to want you with two little kids".
I would sit in on my parents medical appointments and instead of just agreeing with everything I would question them and ask for further information. I have called doctors and gotten answers that my parents weren't always forthcoming with. I have said what others thought but would never speak.
Sadly today I realized that being the black sheep of the family isn't a bad thing.
The black sheep is strong willed and independent. She is outspoken and inquisitive. She is generous and fiercely protective of her family. The black sheep is supportive and loyal, she values her family and makes sacrifices for her family.
This black sheep is saddened by the brother sheep that has turned his back on the family and the mother sheep who cannot appreciate the help of others or have the humbleness to admit she is wrong.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Happy Birthday
Today is my Dad's birthday. He would have been 62 today. It is a hard day for me, wishing he was here to share the special day with us. I would have loved to bake a cake for him and watch him with his grandkids on his knee as he blew out the candles.
I will try to take comfort in the memories I am left with. Here is one of them:
Reid has a sweet tooth and Poppa found a way to get Reid to say his first sentence. It was before Reid was 2 years old and my parents were down for a visit and they had stopped and bought a chocolate cake to have after our family supper. After supper I served up the pieces of chocolate cake and Reid was a boy on a mission and ate his piece in record time. Without hesitation he held up his plate and very clearly said, "More cake please". Tonight I will serve up a chocolate cake in memory of Poppa/Dad.
I love you Dad.
I will try to take comfort in the memories I am left with. Here is one of them:
Reid has a sweet tooth and Poppa found a way to get Reid to say his first sentence. It was before Reid was 2 years old and my parents were down for a visit and they had stopped and bought a chocolate cake to have after our family supper. After supper I served up the pieces of chocolate cake and Reid was a boy on a mission and ate his piece in record time. Without hesitation he held up his plate and very clearly said, "More cake please". Tonight I will serve up a chocolate cake in memory of Poppa/Dad.
I love you Dad.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Me! Me! Me!
I have been by myself since 11am this morning.
The older two kids are with Nuckter, the younger two went with Daddy to the lake for a visit with Grandpa & Grandma.
I can't even explain how much I enjoyed today.
I strolled down isles of the store that I didn't even need anything in because I had time and no kids in tow.
I had several uninterrupted phone conversations.
I ate and didn't eat what I wanted and when I wanted.
I FOAF'd to my hearts content
I listened to MY music ALL day long. I turned it up loud and sang along.
I peed with the bathroom door shut and in solitude.
I cleaned and organized (now this might not seem like fun, but for those that know me they will know that I was in my element).
I didn't have to break up any arguments or listen to whining.
This is truly a blessing and I intend to enjoy every second of it. Hopefully when the break is over I will be recharged and ready to take on anything!
The older two kids are with Nuckter, the younger two went with Daddy to the lake for a visit with Grandpa & Grandma.
I can't even explain how much I enjoyed today.
I strolled down isles of the store that I didn't even need anything in because I had time and no kids in tow.
I had several uninterrupted phone conversations.
I ate and didn't eat what I wanted and when I wanted.
I FOAF'd to my hearts content
I listened to MY music ALL day long. I turned it up loud and sang along.
I peed with the bathroom door shut and in solitude.
I cleaned and organized (now this might not seem like fun, but for those that know me they will know that I was in my element).
I didn't have to break up any arguments or listen to whining.
This is truly a blessing and I intend to enjoy every second of it. Hopefully when the break is over I will be recharged and ready to take on anything!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Further car conversations
Funny thing happened after I posted my last blog last night. Within hours of posting that I received a call from my teenage daughter. She wanted a ride home. Normally I would have been a little upset that her and Nuckter didnt plan their access visit properly and have things in place but instead I looked at it like I was lucky to have that extra time for the teenage conversation.
Im glad I did, I found out how school pictures went, the ride on the city bus to school and even why she is upset about her visits with her Dad. The car conversations give me my teenagers perspective on things that I would look at a different way.
Im glad I did, I found out how school pictures went, the ride on the city bus to school and even why she is upset about her visits with her Dad. The car conversations give me my teenagers perspective on things that I would look at a different way.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Conversations in the car
I am fully submerged in raising two teenagers. I closer to 17 than 16 year old and a 14 year old.
What scares me is that I remember ME when I was those ages and HOLY CRAP!
It isn't always easy going with teens, and lots of time you don't really get to see inside their world, but for just a little while I get to peek.
These moments are when we are in the car (or van). When I play chauffeur to them with their friends to the mall or the rink I get to hear both sides of their conversations about the boy in class who is so dorky (yet the giggle like crazy talking about him) or the new Justin Bieber song that they know all the words to. It's my little window into their world that I wouldn't normally get to see.
While I enjoy the moments where I can see the interacting with their friends, I really look forward to the ones where it is just me and them. One on one. They talk more because they don't have to deal with the awkward eye contact and just feel more at ease. There are no distractions like TV or computer in the car so we get the quality time I so long for sometimes. I find myself having intelligent conversations with my teenagers that don't involve any anger or frustration by either parties.
Tonight I volunteered to pick up my son from soccer tryouts because secretly I was wanting to hear how his first days of grade 11 have been going. I was also lucky enough to have 30 minutes in the car when I drove him back to his Dad's. We talked about current events, technology, school teachers, lawyers. As a parent of a teenager I will take what I can get and I am getting a lot out of these conversations in the car.
What scares me is that I remember ME when I was those ages and HOLY CRAP!
It isn't always easy going with teens, and lots of time you don't really get to see inside their world, but for just a little while I get to peek.
These moments are when we are in the car (or van). When I play chauffeur to them with their friends to the mall or the rink I get to hear both sides of their conversations about the boy in class who is so dorky (yet the giggle like crazy talking about him) or the new Justin Bieber song that they know all the words to. It's my little window into their world that I wouldn't normally get to see.
While I enjoy the moments where I can see the interacting with their friends, I really look forward to the ones where it is just me and them. One on one. They talk more because they don't have to deal with the awkward eye contact and just feel more at ease. There are no distractions like TV or computer in the car so we get the quality time I so long for sometimes. I find myself having intelligent conversations with my teenagers that don't involve any anger or frustration by either parties.
Tonight I volunteered to pick up my son from soccer tryouts because secretly I was wanting to hear how his first days of grade 11 have been going. I was also lucky enough to have 30 minutes in the car when I drove him back to his Dad's. We talked about current events, technology, school teachers, lawyers. As a parent of a teenager I will take what I can get and I am getting a lot out of these conversations in the car.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Scattered
Not much of a blogger lately and since it is a little bit of therapy for me I am sorely missing it. I have so many 'things' going on right now. Not just things but thoughts and issues.
I knew this morning when I woke up with a very tender scalp (scalp psoriasis) caused from stress that I haven't been dealing as well as I was pretending I was with this things.
It's always so easy to just say that everything is fine. As I was driving my daughter to her first day of high school I was thinking about the things in my life that I have to change.
I still really need to work on the regrets I have with my Dad passing away. I feel such guilt that I didn't spend as much time with him that I should have, that I didnt tell him I loved him every chance I get. It's over a year and so much of my thoughts are consumed with the regrets.
The weekend visit with my Mom was hard on me. Physically it was hard helping her transfer in and out of the car/wheelchair, helping her up the stairs etc. Emotionally it was even harder.
The rest of these 'things' in my life that are scattered might not seem like big things when you look at it one piece at a time, but Im holding the whole bag of things. I have to deal with all the responsibilities that come with my Mom...the housing application, banking, Canada Revenue etc. I have to deal with all the paperwork for the insurance benefits for the kids, the booking of appointments, paying of our bills, registrations at schools and all the extracurricular activities. Then I have the child support spreadsheet and all the expenses and tracking that I have to do for my ex-husband.
I could go on with the things but just writing them gives me that anxious feeling in my chest.
I knew this morning when I woke up with a very tender scalp (scalp psoriasis) caused from stress that I haven't been dealing as well as I was pretending I was with this things.
It's always so easy to just say that everything is fine. As I was driving my daughter to her first day of high school I was thinking about the things in my life that I have to change.
I still really need to work on the regrets I have with my Dad passing away. I feel such guilt that I didn't spend as much time with him that I should have, that I didnt tell him I loved him every chance I get. It's over a year and so much of my thoughts are consumed with the regrets.
The weekend visit with my Mom was hard on me. Physically it was hard helping her transfer in and out of the car/wheelchair, helping her up the stairs etc. Emotionally it was even harder.
The rest of these 'things' in my life that are scattered might not seem like big things when you look at it one piece at a time, but Im holding the whole bag of things. I have to deal with all the responsibilities that come with my Mom...the housing application, banking, Canada Revenue etc. I have to deal with all the paperwork for the insurance benefits for the kids, the booking of appointments, paying of our bills, registrations at schools and all the extracurricular activities. Then I have the child support spreadsheet and all the expenses and tracking that I have to do for my ex-husband.
I could go on with the things but just writing them gives me that anxious feeling in my chest.
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