Wow, 20 years ago the word never crossed my mind. Unfortunately I have learned a lot about mortality over the past 20 years. Recently the lessons have gotten a lot harder.
This week my Mom, the last living parent that I have, is in the hospital suffering from complications from her congestive heart failure. Just three short months ago she was admitted for the same reason. The visits are being more and more frequent and it scares the hell out of me.
My Mom is not a healthy woman, I am not in denial about that. She is a 61 year old woman suffering from congestive heart failure and MS. She has a mechanical valve in her heart, has severe rheumatoid arthritis and osteoporosis. She has limited ability to walk with a walker but spends much of her time in a wheelchair. She has a permanent catheter due to the complications from MS. Just reading about her medical problems written in black and white scares me.
I have experienced death in many packages. I have lost young friends tragically and suddenly. I have lost family after a long and painful battle with cancer. I have also lost a father very suddenly. I spend far too much time thinking about mortality.
There is no easy way to think about it, there is no 'consolation' as they say. Mortality sucks and the fact that my Mom is faced with her health crisis' and I am there to help look out for her, means that I have an even closer look at mortality.
I'm not sure who if any reads this blog but I am asking everyone to say a little prayer for my Mom. While I am all to aware the meaning of mortality I dont want to be faced with it yet again.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Pretty shiny things
It's funny I have never been a girly girl. Ponytails and bare minimum makeup, no fuss and no muss. Quick and easy.
I am finding now that I've grown up and I'm a big girl I am liking some of the girlie things.
You will find two skirts and one dress in my closet! GASP! Shocking for those who know me. I also have quite the growing collection of pretty shiny things that I wear on my neck, wrist, fingers and ears. I now get my nails done regularly and have even taken to the occasional pedicure.
Of course I still wear ponytails and there are many days where I go without makeup. But I like feeling girlie. It's amazing, even during one of my 'fat' or 'bad hair' days I can look at my manicured nails or my pretty painted toes and feel a little better.
Silly isnt it?
I am finding now that I've grown up and I'm a big girl I am liking some of the girlie things.
You will find two skirts and one dress in my closet! GASP! Shocking for those who know me. I also have quite the growing collection of pretty shiny things that I wear on my neck, wrist, fingers and ears. I now get my nails done regularly and have even taken to the occasional pedicure.
Of course I still wear ponytails and there are many days where I go without makeup. But I like feeling girlie. It's amazing, even during one of my 'fat' or 'bad hair' days I can look at my manicured nails or my pretty painted toes and feel a little better.
Silly isnt it?
The Spectrum
Fall is always a time of change. For me it is the time of beginnings.
This fall there is a whole lot of beginnings going on.
This is the beginning of Austin's grade 11. This is the beginning of his first school year living with his Dad.
This is also the beginning of Tay's high school years. This is a big beginning with a different school, classes to work towards graduation and post secondary choices in life.
This is also the beginning of McKinley's elementary school years. She starts kindergarten this fall. Sometimes it seems surreal that it could be 6 years since we found out we were expecting.
She is more than ready to start kindergarten, being eager to learn, loving to read and write, and being the social butterfly that she is.
Thinking about all of these beginnings I realize that I am experiencing the whole spectrum of beginning with the school years. I can still remember Austin and Tay's first days of school and their kindergarten graduation. I have now experienced two grade 8 graduations and all the emotions that come with it. Which by the way are much similar to the kindergarten and playschool graduation emotions that I have experienced.
I obviously didnt plan this out well because next year I will be have my first grade 12 graduation to face. My first born, the little man I brought into this world as a new young Mom, will be graduating from high school. And then a few short months later on the other end of the spectrum I will have my youngest....my little baby, taking his first steps off to kindergarten.
That is a lot of change and while it seems like they are on the opposite ends of the spectrum I imagine my feelings will be somewhat similar in the two instances.
This fall there is a whole lot of beginnings going on.
This is the beginning of Austin's grade 11. This is the beginning of his first school year living with his Dad.
This is also the beginning of Tay's high school years. This is a big beginning with a different school, classes to work towards graduation and post secondary choices in life.
This is also the beginning of McKinley's elementary school years. She starts kindergarten this fall. Sometimes it seems surreal that it could be 6 years since we found out we were expecting.
She is more than ready to start kindergarten, being eager to learn, loving to read and write, and being the social butterfly that she is.
Thinking about all of these beginnings I realize that I am experiencing the whole spectrum of beginning with the school years. I can still remember Austin and Tay's first days of school and their kindergarten graduation. I have now experienced two grade 8 graduations and all the emotions that come with it. Which by the way are much similar to the kindergarten and playschool graduation emotions that I have experienced.
I obviously didnt plan this out well because next year I will be have my first grade 12 graduation to face. My first born, the little man I brought into this world as a new young Mom, will be graduating from high school. And then a few short months later on the other end of the spectrum I will have my youngest....my little baby, taking his first steps off to kindergarten.
That is a lot of change and while it seems like they are on the opposite ends of the spectrum I imagine my feelings will be somewhat similar in the two instances.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
My box filled with love
McKinley asked today to see the box on the piano window shelf. This box has been sitting on the window shelf for almost a year. It is up high so that the kids don't touch, but still there always with me.
I carefully brought the box down and read the verse on it
This little box, I explained to McKinley was my box filled with love from Poppa. When Poppa went to heaven he left a piece of his heart with us so so that we would always know that he loves us.
I didn't go into the whole explanation of cremation and ashes, but tried to explain it simply so that a 5 year old would understand but not be upset by the thoughts.
I had some reservations about having a piece of my Dad with us after he passed away. It wasn't something I had ever given any thought too and I wasn't sure it was something I wanted.
It look quite awhile before I was at peace with it.
The timing of my Dad's death was the first night in our new house and I was saddened that it was just yet another one of life's moments that I wouldn't be able to share with my Dad.
I am happy to say that I am comforted by having my Dad in my home. Our family is a circle of strength and love. My Dad is still and will always be a part of that circle.
I carefully brought the box down and read the verse on it
"A father's love is shown through his constant guidance,
his continuous support and unconditional love for the family,
his wisdome to know what makes the difference
A father's love is special and lasts a lifetime."
This little box, I explained to McKinley was my box filled with love from Poppa. When Poppa went to heaven he left a piece of his heart with us so so that we would always know that he loves us.
I didn't go into the whole explanation of cremation and ashes, but tried to explain it simply so that a 5 year old would understand but not be upset by the thoughts.
I had some reservations about having a piece of my Dad with us after he passed away. It wasn't something I had ever given any thought too and I wasn't sure it was something I wanted.
It look quite awhile before I was at peace with it.
The timing of my Dad's death was the first night in our new house and I was saddened that it was just yet another one of life's moments that I wouldn't be able to share with my Dad.
I am happy to say that I am comforted by having my Dad in my home. Our family is a circle of strength and love. My Dad is still and will always be a part of that circle.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Vacation #1
The family of 6 vacation is over and we survived.
It turned out good considering I was worried about how Bob and Austin would interact while in close quarters.
Bob was polite and when Austin's attitude was getting to him he would get some space.
I am proud that my husband didnt let another person's attitude get the better of him and ruin his vacation.
I am a little disappointed in Austin. He did not have the best vacation. He was very mean to his sister just for the sake of being mean. He teased and annoyed even the little kids to the point of tears.
We had to come home early because Bob had to work and Austin instantly called his Dad and wanted to go home to his xbox. No "goodbye" "thanks for the vacation" "see you soon". Just out the door and to his precious xbox.
He is no longer living with us full time, but that doesn't mean that our family rules don't apply to him when he is with us. He is still trying to push that and have everyone play by his rules.
The lessons learned:
Just when I think Bob doesnt listen to me he proves me wrong
Austin is better in small doses and while he is growing up he still has a way to go.
Dont sweat the small stuff and just enjoy the time with family despite the hicccups.
And the most important lesson: My family is MY Family and I love them.
It turned out good considering I was worried about how Bob and Austin would interact while in close quarters.
Bob was polite and when Austin's attitude was getting to him he would get some space.
I am proud that my husband didnt let another person's attitude get the better of him and ruin his vacation.
I am a little disappointed in Austin. He did not have the best vacation. He was very mean to his sister just for the sake of being mean. He teased and annoyed even the little kids to the point of tears.
We had to come home early because Bob had to work and Austin instantly called his Dad and wanted to go home to his xbox. No "goodbye" "thanks for the vacation" "see you soon". Just out the door and to his precious xbox.
He is no longer living with us full time, but that doesn't mean that our family rules don't apply to him when he is with us. He is still trying to push that and have everyone play by his rules.
The lessons learned:
Just when I think Bob doesnt listen to me he proves me wrong
Austin is better in small doses and while he is growing up he still has a way to go.
Dont sweat the small stuff and just enjoy the time with family despite the hicccups.
And the most important lesson: My family is MY Family and I love them.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
A wise woman once wrote
As a psychotherapist, I've talked to women all over the country about a dirty little secret: Sometimes, stepmothers don't love their stepchildren. "I need to confess this to someone," they tell me. "I feel so bad about this, but I don't, um, I really just don't, um, you'll think I'm a horrible person for saying this, for admitting this, but, um, I just really don't love my stepchildren."
I laugh when they say this and they are taken aback. What kind of cruel and twisted therapist am I that I would laugh? But I am quick to reassure, "So what? Of course you don't love your stepchildren. Why should you? Just because you fell in love with their father doesn't mean you will automatically love his children. Some women do, but many women don't and there is nothing to feel guilty about!"
The relief on their faces or in the tone of their voices is immediate and palpable. Then the familiar kicker comes: "But my husband is demanding that I love his children. He expects me to love his children." At one of my recent "Stepmonster" support groups, one woman mumbled, "Last week, my husband told me that if I didn't love his son the way I love our daughter, he's going to divorce me." Her husband needed a big-time reality check.
When I married my husband almost 10 years ago, I had no expectation that he love any of my four children, children who were deep in the throes of adolescence and were quite busy totaling cars and getting underage drinking tickets. I wasn't greedy. My hope was that he would be able to tolerate them. Loving them was between him and them, and quite frankly, none of my business. But what I did expect from him was to treat my children in a loving and kind manner.
Some say that love is a conscious choice. I would revise that: Acting in a loving manner is a choice. As stepmothers, we can certainly act "as if" we love our stepchildren. We can act in ways that are loving and make choices in our daily lives to do so, but it doesn't mean that we have to "feel" the love. Nor should we feel guilty for not feeling something as profound and intimate as "love."
It's an awkward subject to be sure, and we don't need to announce while sitting around enjoying a nice glass of wine: "By the way, honey, I don't love your kids!" There's an advantage to diplomacy. But when we are pressed against the wall and cornered for an answer to the "do you love my children" question, my advice to stepmothers is to say, "I care deeply about the welfare of your children and am open to the possibilities of building on our relationship in ways that feel genuine and authentic for me."
I've found that stating that commitment, that intention, is enough for most well-reasoned husbands. Stepmothers simply cannot be the first-aid love doctor for their husbands, many of whom bring their own sense of shame and failure from their former marriages, and desperately want to have the new marriage clean up the messes from the first. It's not realistic and it's not fair.
The good news is this: We can have our cake and eat it too. We don't need to love our stepchildren, or even like them, to have successful marriages. But we would be wise to treat all the people that come into our lives with warmth, courtesy and kindness. Anything other than that, though, is just icing on the cake.
I cant tell you the number of times I have read and reread this post. I have shared this with my friends and I have sent it to my husband.
This is the torment that I am faced each time my oldest son comes into our home and spends time with us as a family.
This is by far the worst feeling....I have to choose between my child (which has already left our home) and my husband.
I laugh when they say this and they are taken aback. What kind of cruel and twisted therapist am I that I would laugh? But I am quick to reassure, "So what? Of course you don't love your stepchildren. Why should you? Just because you fell in love with their father doesn't mean you will automatically love his children. Some women do, but many women don't and there is nothing to feel guilty about!"
The relief on their faces or in the tone of their voices is immediate and palpable. Then the familiar kicker comes: "But my husband is demanding that I love his children. He expects me to love his children." At one of my recent "Stepmonster" support groups, one woman mumbled, "Last week, my husband told me that if I didn't love his son the way I love our daughter, he's going to divorce me." Her husband needed a big-time reality check.
When I married my husband almost 10 years ago, I had no expectation that he love any of my four children, children who were deep in the throes of adolescence and were quite busy totaling cars and getting underage drinking tickets. I wasn't greedy. My hope was that he would be able to tolerate them. Loving them was between him and them, and quite frankly, none of my business. But what I did expect from him was to treat my children in a loving and kind manner.
Some say that love is a conscious choice. I would revise that: Acting in a loving manner is a choice. As stepmothers, we can certainly act "as if" we love our stepchildren. We can act in ways that are loving and make choices in our daily lives to do so, but it doesn't mean that we have to "feel" the love. Nor should we feel guilty for not feeling something as profound and intimate as "love."
It's an awkward subject to be sure, and we don't need to announce while sitting around enjoying a nice glass of wine: "By the way, honey, I don't love your kids!" There's an advantage to diplomacy. But when we are pressed against the wall and cornered for an answer to the "do you love my children" question, my advice to stepmothers is to say, "I care deeply about the welfare of your children and am open to the possibilities of building on our relationship in ways that feel genuine and authentic for me."
I've found that stating that commitment, that intention, is enough for most well-reasoned husbands. Stepmothers simply cannot be the first-aid love doctor for their husbands, many of whom bring their own sense of shame and failure from their former marriages, and desperately want to have the new marriage clean up the messes from the first. It's not realistic and it's not fair.
The good news is this: We can have our cake and eat it too. We don't need to love our stepchildren, or even like them, to have successful marriages. But we would be wise to treat all the people that come into our lives with warmth, courtesy and kindness. Anything other than that, though, is just icing on the cake.
I cant tell you the number of times I have read and reread this post. I have shared this with my friends and I have sent it to my husband.
This is the torment that I am faced each time my oldest son comes into our home and spends time with us as a family.
This is by far the worst feeling....I have to choose between my child (which has already left our home) and my husband.
Home again
They are home.....Austin and Tay came home last night. It was such an exciting homecoming. McKinley and Reid couldn't contain their excitement and ran outside to welcome them home. They commented on how big the kids looked. Layla smothered them with kisses and lapped up all the belly rubs.
I enjoyed the evening when the little ones were in bed and I got to have a conversation with the older two kids. I heard about the camping trip and all the things they enjoyed.
It was also nice going to sleep last night knowing all 4 kids were home.
Early this morning Reid, against my wishes went down into Austin's room to show him his pullup was still dry. I'm sure Austin pretended to be just as excited as he was before he fell back asleep.
Tomorrow morning bright and early we are on the road for a few days of camping. All the kids are excited and talk excitedly about all they are going to do.
Me.....I just smile and think about all the memories we are going to make.
I enjoyed the evening when the little ones were in bed and I got to have a conversation with the older two kids. I heard about the camping trip and all the things they enjoyed.
It was also nice going to sleep last night knowing all 4 kids were home.
Early this morning Reid, against my wishes went down into Austin's room to show him his pullup was still dry. I'm sure Austin pretended to be just as excited as he was before he fell back asleep.
Tomorrow morning bright and early we are on the road for a few days of camping. All the kids are excited and talk excitedly about all they are going to do.
Me.....I just smile and think about all the memories we are going to make.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)