Dedication

In the week leading up to my birthday I had joked with my husband that he could make his big vocal debut on my birthday. His band played at a friends benefit concert on my birthday. My husband is a very talented guitarist, but has never taken the step to singer.
Here are the emails that were sent back and in the days before the concert:

HUSBAND: I feel bad that I'm not doing more for your birthday with the benefit night we arent really celebrating.
ME: No worries, you can just make your vocal debut and sing a song for me as a birthday gift.
HUSBAND: I can't sing the Big Sugar songs the way Gordie Johnson does so I won't even try to compete with him.
ME: You don't have to sing Big Sugar tunes, you can pick whatever you like
HUSBAND: Crazy Bitch
ME: are you referencing the Buck Cherry song?
HUSBAND: no comment.

LOL, I love the witty banter that goes back and forth between us. He keeps me laughing.
It get's even funnier though, on Saturday night at the benefit night my husband who rarely speaks up in a crowd bigger than 6 people did the unexpected. He stepped up to the mic between songs and wished me a happy birthday and dedicated the next song to me. Of course my mind races thinking "Oh my god he is going to start singing Crazy Bitch!". Luckily common sense with his band prevailed and they started singing "Sugar" (one of my favorites).
A little later in the evening another band that was on stage broke into the chorus of Crazy Bitch which brought a smile to my face.  Too bad that song wasn't around for our wedding....would have made a great wedding song don't you think? :)

Perspective - Part 2

After spending Saturday evening at a benefit concert for a friend battling leukemia I have learned a little more about my perspective on life.
Along with 500+ friends & family I felt a tremendous urge to do what I could for a friend in need.  I was so proud of everyone in attendance. 
Human nature is a great thing.....we cannot help but do all we can for our friends and family in need.  The outpouring of love and support made me thankful for the wonderful friends I have and the great community we live in. 
I hate that I have lost someone to cancer, that I know someone with cancer, that there is not yet a cure for cancer.  But on the opposite end of the spectrum I love that we feel empathy, we have helped someone with cancer and we are all working towards a cure.

I can't help but be thankful for the wonderful life I have and the wonderful people that have blessed it.
That's today's perspective.

Perspective

I have been in a funk and trying to dig myself out.  I think if I can take a little time and think about the things that I am thankful for maybe that will brighten my somewhat negative attitude lately.

I love that Reid took a picture of Austin to daycare to hang on his locker to show 'his kids'.  Reid and his little buddies love to play 'Austin'.  This is a game where they take turns being Austin.  My heart almost burst out of my chest with love and pride when I think of this.

I am so terribly proud that my 16 year old, in the midst of all the turmoil we are dealing with has been nominated for an award at school.  He is a very talented young man in and has caught the attention of the teachers in  his drafting with his autocad designs and projects. 

I love the group of girls that I work with.  I am thankful that I have such a wonderful group of coworkers and such a terrific and understanding manager.  I think I am even more thankful for this because once upon a time I worked for the bitch boss.  I have gone through some very rough times with surgeries, the loss of my father and grandfather and I have gotten nothing but complete support and compassion from my manager and coworkers.  I am so touched by the thoughtfulness of others.

I am thankful for my healthy family.  On the eve of the benefit concert for a dear friend who is battling leukemia I realize that each day is a miracle and I have to be thankful for each and every single moment that I am given.

I truly appreciate my cleaning lady.  Walking into the house the afternoon that the cleaning lady has worked her magic makes me smile.  I feel this peace inside knowing that I can truly enjoy more of the weekend with my family because I dont have to stress about the chores. 

My FOAF friends.  By chance and many years ago I met a terrific group of women.  Over the years the 7 of us have become the best of friends.  Not a day goes by that I do not think of each of them and I can say with complete confidence that they do the same.  I am thankful for their wisdom, strength, support, compassion, laughter, and encouragement.  I would not be woman I am today had they no come into my lives.

I think it is so easy to give into the negative thoughts, but taking a few minutes to write down things that I am thankful for, that bring me happiness has changed that.  If I consciously choose to think about the good it is easy to change my perspective on things.  For now the funk has disappeared and I am left with some warm and fuzzy thoughts and a smile on my face.

Selfish Thoughts

I had to say goodbye to my Grandpa.  The funeral was beautiful and the readings that everyone contributed really showed what a wonderful person he was.  Each of his grandchildren wrote wonderful memories about a great grandpa.  I would like to say I handled it fine, but I had my moments.  Like reading the obituary where my Grandpa was predeceased by his son (my Dad).  That was hard reading it in black and white.  Hearing all the thoughts about he is in a better place and back with Grandma and my Dad.
I didn't want my Dad to be up there yet.  I wanted my Dad to be the 88 year old Grandpa that had 14 great grandchildren and whose eyes lit up when they visited him.  I selfishly wanted all those moments of watching my Dad grow older and holding his hand as he ages and becomes frail.  I wanted the funeral home to be filled with his grown children and his elderly friends and family.  I wanted them to say that he was at peace and healthy and that he had lived a long wonderful life.  I feel bad for having these thoughts, but more than anything I ache for the time me and my children were cheated out of with my Dad.

Brokenhearted

My heart is broken into tiny little pieces.  I know Nuckter didn't intentionally do it, and that in itself makes it hurt even more.  He told me how well his new wife is at dealing with Austin.  She is treating him more like a friend than a parent and it is really working.  He listens to her, he doesn't give her tone.  Things are going really well.  He listens to her and it's really working!
How can someone else take my place?  Not only is she replacing me she is doing a far better job.  She is doing what I couldn't with Austin.  And he likes her.  He enjoys her company and feels like she is a friend to him.  Up until now I have never felt threatened by her presence in my children's lives, but I feel it now.  Not only threatened but completely inadequate.

Grandpa

 A few weeks ago my Grandfather celebrated his 88th birthday.  The family came together at the senior's home to celebrate with him.  While he didn't speak loudly and was a little quieter than last year he was still Grandpa.  I will never forget taking the pictures of Grandpa with his grandkids and seeing the sheer joy on his face.  He laughed out loud watching his little great grandkids run and play. 
You don't quit laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
I felt so blessed to witness that special moment.  It is hard to believe it was just a few short weeks ago that we celebrated my Grandpa's birthday. 
Today my Grandpa went to sleep and didn't wake up.  A few posts ago I wrote about faith.  I have faith that my Grandpa is with Grandma and my Dad.  I also took some steps to ensure that I didn't have regrets about things left unsaid.  I told my Grandpa on his birthday that I loved him and I was so grateful to share in his special day.

My Grandmother (Mom's Mom) shared with me something a few months ago that is on my mind today.  She is a wonderful woman that I am grateful to as she shares her wisdom with me.  We were having our monthly lunch and talking about my Dad and how hard it was to lose him.  She shared with me that as you get older it not only gets easier to think about dying, but your thoughts on others passing away changes too.   She said when she was younger her thoughts at funerals were completely different than they are today.  She knows those who have lived a long and good life are passing on to something better, its the natural process and she has come to accept it.  She wanted me to remember that when I lose someone that I love. 
Such a wise woman.  I am so lucky to have had the wonderful grandparents that I have had. 
I will cherish and remember my Grandpa today and have faith that he is at peace and with the rest of the loved ones that I have lost.
Knowing all this won't stop the tears from falling.....

Moments

I miss Austin.

Weird I know, because most of our moments were ugly and disrespectful filled with yelling and arguing but they were interactions. And every once in awhile between those disrespectful moments there were good moments. There were even really great moments. So great that sometimes I forget about how ugly those other moments were.

Not only has he moved out of our home, he has moved right out of our lives.  He chose not to visit with us last week.  That broke my heart that he didn't want to.  My heart broke for me but also for Reid.  He loves his moments with Austin.   

While I know having him leave and move into his Dad's is still the right thing for everyone it is one of those things where doing the right thing does not make you feel good.

Austin passed his drivers exam last week.  I wasn't there for that moment.  Nuckter's wife was.  I would have cooked him his favorite meal in celebration.  I probably would have even given him some corny card with mushy 'mom' stuff written on it.  

Those are the moments that I miss.  

I do not miss his tone and "OK MOM" comments.  I don't miss the lying, stealing, yelling, disrespecting and disobeying.  I do not miss that pit in my stomach after the little kids witness one of those ugly moments.

I am not involved in his day to day happenings.  He is working at McDonald's and I have hardly heard any of the stories from him.  His report card is out this Thursday and I won't be the first one to see it.  For 16 years I was the primary caregiver, go to person, taxi driver, banker, chef and maid to Austin.  Its hard to step back and not do all those things because somewhere in between all of that there were really good moments.....moments I'm really missing today.