That Moment

With the recent anniversary of my MS diagnosis I have been thinking about that moment. 
I thought the memorable moment that would stick in my mind would be hearing those words from my doctor...."You have MS" 
But while I do recall him saying those words to me, it isn't that moment.

The moment that sticks in my mind is minutes after I left my doctors office and was sitting in my car.  The tears started, I couldn't stop the flow and I couldn't catch my breath.  I was panicked and while I had assumed I had MS, the harsh truth of those words spoken by my doctor were finally sinking in.  And in that moment I experienced that moment.

A simple text from a friend, " Be strong...whatever the results you are the same person walking out of there as you were going in".

Not only did that text help me in that moment to pull it together, to drive home, to call my husband, to pick up my kids, to live my life that first day.  It has also become that moment that I refer to even months and years later in my dark times.  That moment has offered me reassurance and comfort when I needed it most.
I could say that this friend probably has no idea the impact she has made on my life and how that moment has given me so much, but I think she knows.  I hope she knows.

Slipped my mind

Last Thursday, March 7th was the 2 year anniversary of when I was told I had MS.  I remember clearly sitting in my doctors office and hearing those words.  Feeling like I couldn't catch my breath and that my whole world was crashing in. 
Last year on my first anniversary I was clearly aware of the date.  The days leading up to it the signifigance weighed heavily on my mind.  I remember thinking I had somehow failed with repairing and healing the damage to my body after the one year mark. 

This year, my 2nd anniversary was so different.  I no longer thought of  the date as such an important number.  Thursday came and went without giving it any extra thought.  It was a regular day with work, family and life. 
I think the biggest thing that I realized was that I am learning to live and accept how MS is a part of my life.  It isn't because I am no longer dealing with the symptoms of my disease, but more because I am accepting that my life has changed and will forever be changed. 
The issues I have with my bladder, the parathesia, the fatigue.....they are all things I am adjusting my life to without focusing on the anniversary milestones.  I am paying far more attention to what my body tells me and less attention to the dates on the calendar.

Am I well balanced and completely accepting of my MS.  No, I am far from it.  But Ido think this year I am in a better place than I was last year so it is a good anniversary.

"Toeing" my weight

Today I woke up with a numb toe....the exact same feeling I experienced with my numb finger the morning of my first attack.
I have been struggling with my fatigue this week and I know this could be nothing more than my bodies way of saying 'slow down'. 
I also know it could be more.....and that has me a little anxious. 

I am making a concious effort to try not to stress and to slow down.  But I find it hard balancing between listening to your body and not obsessing over every twitch, tingle, weakness etc. 

Why I Walk...

April 28th is quickly approaching.  As the day draws nearer and I get busier with the fundraising events my thoughts are filled with the hope of finding a cure.  I imagine my children living a life that isnt affected by MS.

I pray....I hope...I walk

MS WALK 2013
Click on above link

Do Them

Great advice. There is a list of things I've always wanted to do, yet aside from thinking about them I don't actually put things into motion to DO THEM. 

That's all changed. I am registering a relay team for the Queen City Marathon. I wanted to do this before I turned 40. On September 8th at 39 years of age I will be doing one of the things I've always wanted to do. 

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Likes

• Crisp and cool sheets when you crawl into bed
• A really close parking space in busy parking lot
• Random hugs
• Laughing until you cry
• "Thank you Mom"
• Feeling the burn from a good workout
• A favourite song on the radio
• Discovering money in a pocket
• Good morning & good night kisses
• Just because kisses

My Today Body

Yesterday I returned to yoga after a very long break.  I was very anxious about the class as it is the day after my needle and I have a hard time even with the simple things after my needle.

It was like the yoga instructor knew my situation.  We spent the entire class working on recovery poses, she spoke of our 'today body' and how we will do what we can today with the body we have today.
It was exactly what I needed to hear.  My today body on Mondays is not the same body it is any other day of the week.  I am glad I was reminded that there is benefits when daoing what you can with what you have.

My needle on Sunday was the second worst needle to date for me.  I know this because the worst time I was brought to tears and contemplated going to the ER.  Sunday I was brought to tears again.  The word I would use for the pain I felt was excrutiating. 
As painful and extreme as the side effects were I woke up the next morning and with my 'today body' I did what I could.

Will there be a day where I say no more?  There may come a day, but for right now my today body will continue on.

Options

I'm learning that there are always options.  The tricky part is being open to these options.  You need to look for and actually be open to the option.

See sometimes you are given things in life that you didn't plan on.  I've been spending a lot of my energy trying to accept my new normal.  What I didnt spend much time on was entertaining possible other options. 
I know the reason why I didn't spend time thinking about the different options to manage my new normal in life.  It's cause if I look at other options to manage that means I am accepting this is permanent. 

Lately I have been feeling cheated.  How come after my first attack I didn't return to my normal?  How come my normal was now disabled?  How come after my second attack the normal is even worse? 
I know people see the change in my hand and the ability I have in it.  I try to brush off  the questions because I dont want to acknowledge that it has gotten worse and that it is my new normal.  Normal is the complete opposite of how I feel. 

I need to explore my options and be open to the fact that things are going to be different.  It will be different for now, maybe for  a long time and maybe even forever.  But I can't live in limbo anymore I need to be open to the options and willing to change.

Deep Understanding

Funny how I wrote my last blog about grief.  I was reminded today how my grief has enabled me to understand more deeply.

This morning my brothers girlfriends father passed away suddenly from a heart attack. And just like that all the emotions from three years ago were right there. Before my Dad died I didn't understand that grief, that crippling pain, the feeling that you will never take a deep breath again. Now I understand what true grief consists of. I have empathy for what my brothers girlfriends family is going through but also for what my brother and mother are dealing with. This brings all the hurt to the surface.

I went to visit my Mom on Sunday at her new permanent room in the Melville nursing home. I felt a sense of peace and acceptance from her. I was very proud of how well she has adjusted to the changes over the past few months. Because she seemed more at peace with her life right now I too felt a sense of peace. I felt less anxious not only knowing my Mom was safe in a seniors home, but also relieved that she has found a way to accept where her place in life is right now. She is finding acceptance and happiness with where she is. Not always an easy feat so I am very proud of my Mom.

In the midst of the grief and the reminder of the loss of my Dad, I hope Mom can remember to appreciate what she has and love those around her.

Forever Changed

This happened to me.  I read this quote and I was able to relate to it. The losses I have experienced over the past few years; my Dad's death, the diagnosis of MS, my physical disabilities, my grandfathers death, my Moms declining health.  They have all sculpted and changed me into who I am today. 

I can understand more deeply because of my life experiences. I have empathy and compassion because of my grief. The life I have lived has made it easier for me to relate to others and understand. 

I can appreciate what I have because of what I have lost. This one is hard because it is easy to sometimes focus on the negative. On the things you have lost. I have to appreciate what I have right now because I know how quickly things can change. 

I have blamed it on old age and hormones as the reason I cry more easily and love more openly. I am beginning to understand that it is the pain from the grief that has changed me into someone who isn't afraid to hug and tell someone how much I love them. It has made me cry during one of my children's firsts or lasts moments, during movies, while typing my blog entries. 

Loving more openly and appreciating more deeply are good things that come from the pain and grief.  The hurt that I often feel is one of the bad things.  I ache for my Dad, worry for my Mom and fear for my future. 

There are times that the hurt feels as it is going to consume me, but luckily the grief and pain has also made me able to hope more desperately. 

Hope is an amazing and powerful thing. With hope all things are possible. I reread my blog from my darkest times when I was going through my first attack and while there was immense sadness and fear, there was a desperate hope. A hope that I never gave up on. I have hope that my life with MS will be different than my Moms. I have hope that I have not passed down this disease on to my children. I have hope that my Mom will find comfort in her new safe home. 

This hope makes the pain and grief tolerable.