I hate MS

The past two weeks my Mom has fallen three times and this morning my brother phoned to say it happened again. Her legs are no longer moving. She has been admitted into the Melville hospital for the next 5-6 days. They are going to give her the IV steroid treatment in hopes of improving the mobility issues with her MS.

As her daughter I have always worried about her health and dealing with her MS. This is the first time since I was diagnosed with MS myself that my Mom has had an attack. She has suffered with health issues over the past few years but her MS has remainded fairly stable.  

I have a much clearer understanding of what she is going through and the emotions she is dealing with. 

I asked my brother how she is coping with all this and he said she is very quiet and seems down.
I get it.  I am able to feel the empathy.  No matter how many weeks, months or years you deal with this anytime you lose something it takes a piece of who you are with it.  It's been 17 years that my Mom has had a name to her disease, but those years don't make it any easier to deal with. What truly makes it easier is if the disease doesn't progress. How can anyone be ok with losing the ability to feel your legs and walk?  

Ironically since Thursday I have been dealing with some issues of my own. My right hand has become more numb again, the intention tremors have increased.  Luckily it is isolated to my hand/arm, but any regression is hard to deal with. 

I remember when my hand improved I said I would never take for granted what I regained.  But I did.  I got used to doing this without a second thought.  Putting a ponytail in, writing, wiping the table, doing dishes, not dropping things. Now that the ease of those things are gone I realize I took it for granted. Would it change where I am today?  No, this would still be happening, but maybe this would be easier to accept and deal with if I made a conscious effort to remind myself where I was. 

I'm a daughter of a Mom with MS whose legs no longer move. I feel immense sadness for her but at the same time I can't help but feel dread for my own disease. I shouldn't be thinking of myself during this, I should be a stong and supportive daughter to my Mom. Having a hard time with all these feelings. One feeling I know is completely justified is my hatred of this disease. I hate MS. For my Moms sake, for my sake, for the sake of every person living with the disease, every daughter, every mother, every loved one of those people....and today I am all of those people.