Funny how sometimes when you always hear those three little words, "I love you" you take them for granted. But when you stop hearing them the silence is deafening.
Coincidentally since I told my husband the other three little words "I have MS" I haven't heard the original three little words from him. I've heard things like "We will get through this" "I'm here for you" "You'll get better" from him, but as each day passes I can't help but wonder.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Reminder of What Cancer Cannot Do
THURSDAY, JUNE 17, 2010
I can also tell you what cancer CAN DO. It can bring friends and strangers together to fight for a common cause. It can create an enormous support system for friends and families struggling.
It can bring 850 people together for one night in one room with an overwhelming outpouring of generosity and love, and it can remind everyone that life is important.
Thank you Dwight for teaching us so much.
What Cancer Cannot Do
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit
I can also tell you what cancer CAN DO. It can bring friends and strangers together to fight for a common cause. It can create an enormous support system for friends and families struggling.
It can bring 850 people together for one night in one room with an overwhelming outpouring of generosity and love, and it can remind everyone that life is important.
Thank you Dwight for teaching us so much.
Goodbye
Last night we lost a wonderful friend.
The friend I have blogged about that was diagnosed with leukemia and had a stem cell transplant last fall passed away.
I am still in shock as to how quickly things can change. And my heart is breaking for his wife, daughter and family & friends.
Dwight was one of the people I looked up to and drew strength from because of the amazing strength and faith he had. A good friend of mine told me that we were given our disease because God believed we would do good and make a difference. I believe that with Dwight. He has made a difference and will continue to make a difference in all of the lives that he touched. And he touched so many. I remember being a part of the first benefit concert and the wonderful feeling watching all those people together for the same cause.
May 30, 2010 Perspective - Part 2
After spending Saturday evening at a benefit concert for a friend battling leukemia I have learned a little more about my perspective on life.
Along with 500+ friends & family I felt a tremendous urge to do what I could for a friend in need. I was so proud of everyone in attendance.
Human nature is a great thing.....we cannot help but do all we can for our friends and family in need. The outpouring of love and support made me thankful for the wonderful friends I have and the great community we live in.
I hate that I have lost someone to cancer, that I know someone with cancer, that there is not yet a cure for cancer. But on the opposite end of the spectrum I love that we feel empathy, we have helped someone with cancer and we are all working towards a cure.
I can't help but be thankful for the wonderful life I have and the wonderful people that have blessed it.
That's today's perspective.
Dwight, you will be missed.
The friend I have blogged about that was diagnosed with leukemia and had a stem cell transplant last fall passed away.
I am still in shock as to how quickly things can change. And my heart is breaking for his wife, daughter and family & friends.
Dwight was one of the people I looked up to and drew strength from because of the amazing strength and faith he had. A good friend of mine told me that we were given our disease because God believed we would do good and make a difference. I believe that with Dwight. He has made a difference and will continue to make a difference in all of the lives that he touched. And he touched so many. I remember being a part of the first benefit concert and the wonderful feeling watching all those people together for the same cause.
May 30, 2010 Perspective - Part 2
After spending Saturday evening at a benefit concert for a friend battling leukemia I have learned a little more about my perspective on life.
Along with 500+ friends & family I felt a tremendous urge to do what I could for a friend in need. I was so proud of everyone in attendance.
Human nature is a great thing.....we cannot help but do all we can for our friends and family in need. The outpouring of love and support made me thankful for the wonderful friends I have and the great community we live in.
I hate that I have lost someone to cancer, that I know someone with cancer, that there is not yet a cure for cancer. But on the opposite end of the spectrum I love that we feel empathy, we have helped someone with cancer and we are all working towards a cure.
I can't help but be thankful for the wonderful life I have and the wonderful people that have blessed it.
That's today's perspective.
Dwight, you will be missed.
Monday, June 20, 2011
A Good Bad Day
Yesterday, the day after my needle night was my bad day. The day is usually filled with nausea, headache, chills, shakes etc.
I'm quietly celebrating the small victory that my body handled the needle better than it has in a long time. I'm doing it quietly because a few weeks ago I thought I was over the hump of the nasty needle side effects, only to be proven wrong.
I still look forward to my good days and try to make the most of them, but I am truly thankful for my unexpected good bad day yesterday.
I'm quietly celebrating the small victory that my body handled the needle better than it has in a long time. I'm doing it quietly because a few weeks ago I thought I was over the hump of the nasty needle side effects, only to be proven wrong.
I still look forward to my good days and try to make the most of them, but I am truly thankful for my unexpected good bad day yesterday.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Stress
They say MS is triggered by stress. Unfortunately stress is a constant in everyone's life. I have learned recently that it is unreasonable to try to eliminate stress completely from your life. What I have also learned is that the key is to manage the stress.
Ive been tested recently in the stress department. A visit from the police, calls from the school about your child being expelled, calls from your teenagers manager advising you that he has missed another shift and will likely be let go. All of these things are testing my ability to deal with stress.
Me and my body are winning against these stressers. I am relieved to say while I am so afraid about the what ifs with Austin, I am still sleeping,eating and exercising properly. Im relaxing and enjoying the good parts of my life .
Each night I go to sleep thankful that my body is working with me, I also go to sleep thankful that my son is safe from harm.
Ive been tested recently in the stress department. A visit from the police, calls from the school about your child being expelled, calls from your teenagers manager advising you that he has missed another shift and will likely be let go. All of these things are testing my ability to deal with stress.
Me and my body are winning against these stressers. I am relieved to say while I am so afraid about the what ifs with Austin, I am still sleeping,eating and exercising properly. Im relaxing and enjoying the good parts of my life .
Each night I go to sleep thankful that my body is working with me, I also go to sleep thankful that my son is safe from harm.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
An Open Letter To My Son
I think back to almost 18 years ago when I carried you inside me safe and secure. The first moments you were outside of my body I worried. That worry continued to grow as you got older.
You may not understand this but I love you today as strongly and deeply as I did the day I knew we created you or the first time I looked in your eyes.
Right now you are in the middle of childhood and adulthood. Your life is filled with so much turmoil and uncertainty right now. If there was a way I could make these life lessons easier for you I would. If I could tell you now what you will realize when you are older I would. If I could keep you safe with my love alone I would.
There are so many Ifs and uncertainties in your life.
I pray no matter what wrong choices you make in your life that you know I love you and I always will.
love always,
mom
You may not understand this but I love you today as strongly and deeply as I did the day I knew we created you or the first time I looked in your eyes.
Right now you are in the middle of childhood and adulthood. Your life is filled with so much turmoil and uncertainty right now. If there was a way I could make these life lessons easier for you I would. If I could tell you now what you will realize when you are older I would. If I could keep you safe with my love alone I would.
There are so many Ifs and uncertainties in your life.
I pray no matter what wrong choices you make in your life that you know I love you and I always will.
love always,
mom
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Return to work
I got the call from my doctor today that I've been waiting for. I am going back to work. I have both excitement and anxiety over my return. My doctor agreed to let me try partial days on my good needle days starting June 20. He cautioned me that it might be too much too soon, but how will I know unless I try?
In the midst of everything that has been going on work has always been something I enjoyed and I was good at. Not being there for over 4 months and the changes I have had to make in my life because of my MS has made me anxious about work. What if I can't type, write, dial etc like I used to? What if my thought processes aren't the same? What if what I've done well with over my 16 year career I can no longer do?
I know no matter anxious I am about my return to work, how much fear I have that I will fail I am excited that another piece of the life I had is coming back.
In the midst of everything that has been going on work has always been something I enjoyed and I was good at. Not being there for over 4 months and the changes I have had to make in my life because of my MS has made me anxious about work. What if I can't type, write, dial etc like I used to? What if my thought processes aren't the same? What if what I've done well with over my 16 year career I can no longer do?
I know no matter anxious I am about my return to work, how much fear I have that I will fail I am excited that another piece of the life I had is coming back.
Monday, June 6, 2011
The Miles
The past few days Bob and I have put on many miles. The miles have been made in the car and on foot. 4 days ago we drove 2 hours with the little kids to poppa and grandma at the lake where they stayed for a much anticipated visit. Bob and I then continued another 7.5 hour drive to Calgary. The miles in the car were great, we visited, listened to music, discussed the impending car purchase, summer holidays, CCSVI treatment.
We thoroughly enjoyed our time in Calgary too. The rooftop hot tub, Hangover 2 movie, the miles we put on in the malls, the hours spent with Bob's brother and family, and of course the MS Walk.
Last nights needle was not a good one, surprising me again with the chills and shakes which I thought were a thing of the past since I haven't experienced that for a few injections. This morning before the walk I was feeling nauseous and tired of not feeling good and not able to use my hand. Then we arrived at the MS Walk in downtown Calgary along side the river. The weather was very cloudy and cool in the morning, but as the start time got closer the skies cleared, the sun came out and I felt the warmth. I felt the warmth from the sun, from my family that walked along side me and also from the crowd of strangers who were all there for the same cause, to end MS. And again I was filled with so much hope.
I never want to lose that hope. We are already planning to participate in the 2012 MS Walks in Regina and Calgary. The walks remind me of all the good I still have. My family, my friends, my health and my hope.
We thoroughly enjoyed our time in Calgary too. The rooftop hot tub, Hangover 2 movie, the miles we put on in the malls, the hours spent with Bob's brother and family, and of course the MS Walk.
Last nights needle was not a good one, surprising me again with the chills and shakes which I thought were a thing of the past since I haven't experienced that for a few injections. This morning before the walk I was feeling nauseous and tired of not feeling good and not able to use my hand. Then we arrived at the MS Walk in downtown Calgary along side the river. The weather was very cloudy and cool in the morning, but as the start time got closer the skies cleared, the sun came out and I felt the warmth. I felt the warmth from the sun, from my family that walked along side me and also from the crowd of strangers who were all there for the same cause, to end MS. And again I was filled with so much hope.
I never want to lose that hope. We are already planning to participate in the 2012 MS Walks in Regina and Calgary. The walks remind me of all the good I still have. My family, my friends, my health and my hope.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
You get what you get
One of my little kids favorite sayings is "you get what you get and you don't get upset". I think it's a great simple and to the point piece of advice. Sadly it isn't always easy to follow. When you are 6 and you don't get the orange cup you wanted, or you are 4 and you don't get to jump on the trampoline first it is hard to not only accept it, but also not to get upset.
At 37 I'm having a hard time with this simple philosophy about life when things don't go your way. 4 months ago I became disabled due to what weeks later I would find out was MS. I patiently bided my time waiting for the disability from this attack to go away. I tried everything I could to speed up that recovery; physiotherapy, naturopath, an exercise regime, supplements, acupuncture, massage therapy. I was determined to do everything I could to recovery from my MS attack and get rid of this disability. I was able to quickly accept the fact that I had an incurable disease, but I was not willing to accept any lingering limitations from my first attack.
Initially the hardest part was being patient. I am not a patient person and having a constant glaring reminder of what doesn't work like it used to was extremely frustrating. Now I find I a more accepting of the patience needed to get through this, but I realize now my expectations may have to change. The "get what you get" part of my wise children's saying is basically saying you have to accept what life dealt you, but the 2nd part of that saying says"and you don't get upset". How can you not get upset? I want to get upset and I NEED to get upset. Because of this thinking I've gained an appreciation and understanding for the things that upset my kids. When you are 4 and 6 and things don't go the way you had hoped and bedtime comes before your tv show is over, that is upsetting. I think that while it upsets them, they still accept it and try to make the best of what they are given.
I need to accept that for right now things haven't gone my way and I have to make the best of it. But at the same time I am not going to give up trying to do all I can to lessen this disability. And I am also going to be upset.
I think I have been very accepting of the diagnosis of my disease. That is because when I was younger and my Mom was diagnosed with the disease she spent many years denying it. Looking back on that I think that hindered her ability to deal with and treat the illness. I will not deny I have MS, I will not refuse to inject the Betaseron when I know that it is proven to slow down the progression of disability. I will be conscious of my stress level, fatigue and diet. I will listen to my body.
I will accept the get what you get part of this disease but I will not deny my feelings. I'm going to get upset, be scared, feel angry. And maybe in the middle of all of these feelings I will be lucky enough to have my disability disappear and have the full feeling return in my hand. Until then I am getting closer to accepting that this is maybe the best it will be.
At 37 I'm having a hard time with this simple philosophy about life when things don't go your way. 4 months ago I became disabled due to what weeks later I would find out was MS. I patiently bided my time waiting for the disability from this attack to go away. I tried everything I could to speed up that recovery; physiotherapy, naturopath, an exercise regime, supplements, acupuncture, massage therapy. I was determined to do everything I could to recovery from my MS attack and get rid of this disability. I was able to quickly accept the fact that I had an incurable disease, but I was not willing to accept any lingering limitations from my first attack.
Initially the hardest part was being patient. I am not a patient person and having a constant glaring reminder of what doesn't work like it used to was extremely frustrating. Now I find I a more accepting of the patience needed to get through this, but I realize now my expectations may have to change. The "get what you get" part of my wise children's saying is basically saying you have to accept what life dealt you, but the 2nd part of that saying says"and you don't get upset". How can you not get upset? I want to get upset and I NEED to get upset. Because of this thinking I've gained an appreciation and understanding for the things that upset my kids. When you are 4 and 6 and things don't go the way you had hoped and bedtime comes before your tv show is over, that is upsetting. I think that while it upsets them, they still accept it and try to make the best of what they are given.
I need to accept that for right now things haven't gone my way and I have to make the best of it. But at the same time I am not going to give up trying to do all I can to lessen this disability. And I am also going to be upset.
I think I have been very accepting of the diagnosis of my disease. That is because when I was younger and my Mom was diagnosed with the disease she spent many years denying it. Looking back on that I think that hindered her ability to deal with and treat the illness. I will not deny I have MS, I will not refuse to inject the Betaseron when I know that it is proven to slow down the progression of disability. I will be conscious of my stress level, fatigue and diet. I will listen to my body.
I will accept the get what you get part of this disease but I will not deny my feelings. I'm going to get upset, be scared, feel angry. And maybe in the middle of all of these feelings I will be lucky enough to have my disability disappear and have the full feeling return in my hand. Until then I am getting closer to accepting that this is maybe the best it will be.
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