Knowledge is power.....but power isn't always good.
I am very knowledgeable about MS and the effects it has on your body, on your mind, on your marriage, on your family, on your future, your life.
I went to the doctor today willing with all my heart for him to tell me I was being paranoid and overreacting. It didn't play out that way. I went for xrays of my spine and have an appointment next week with a neurologist. He does not think it is carpal tunnel syndrome.
I was so proud that I was calm and clear in the appointment and explained things without rambling but being concise.
When I got to the car I fell apart. It would be so much easier for me to accept the possibility of MS if I didn't know the terrible things it has done to my Mom. She isn't even the same person she used to be.
As I sit here clumsily typing with my numb and tingling hand I wonder what will come. I am scared to wake up in the morning. Last Thursday I woke up with a tingling thumb, Friday it was my pinky and ring finger and palm. Saturday I awoke to a numb arm from my elbow down which progressed to my entire arm on Sunday. This morning I pretended I was brave enough to phone the doctor and face this, but in reality I was so scared because I realized the right side of my body from my neck to my waist was numb.
How am I going to get through the next week? How will I face my appt with the neurologist knowing he might not be able to tell me what I want to hear?
How will I get through this? How can I pretend everything is normal for the kids?
Most importantly How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Inaction
Im sitting here rereading my post about doing the right thing. I was hoping blogging it would give me courage, then I hope reading it over would help me do what I know I need to do.
It didn't.
I have been able to come up with all sorts of reasons not to make the call to the doctor. We are too busy, Bob is traveling with his job, I have too much stuff on my desk to take time off work.
The shitty thing is that this numb hand/finger issue has spread and is affecting me more. I can feel it up to my shoulder and more on my left side. I have trouble writing, doing my hair, typing and holding certain things.
I had a little cry in the shower today convinced myself that I would get out and tell Bob. The shower ended, the kids wanted me to spend time with them and then we had to get ready for swimming lessons.
There just isn't a good time to face this.
It didn't.
I have been able to come up with all sorts of reasons not to make the call to the doctor. We are too busy, Bob is traveling with his job, I have too much stuff on my desk to take time off work.
The shitty thing is that this numb hand/finger issue has spread and is affecting me more. I can feel it up to my shoulder and more on my left side. I have trouble writing, doing my hair, typing and holding certain things.
I had a little cry in the shower today convinced myself that I would get out and tell Bob. The shower ended, the kids wanted me to spend time with them and then we had to get ready for swimming lessons.
There just isn't a good time to face this.
Friday, January 28, 2011
The Right Thing
Knowing what you need to do is usually the easy part of life, the following through and actually doing the right thing is the hard part. I am in that place right now.
I remember as a teenager my parents always gave me that heavily weighted phrase "You do what you think is right". They were very wise with that statement. I knew exactly what the right thing was, but the whole internal battle between knowing the right thing and acting on it was sooo hard sometimes.
For the past several days I have been hearing my parents' voices in my head telling me to "Do what you think is right". I have been experiencing a tingling/numbness in my thumb and forefinger. This morning that numbness has increased and is not running along my pinkie and into my hand, even limiting the strength to make a fist.
See, simply looking at it I should go see the doctor right? Get it checked out and find out it is carpal tunnel or a pinched nerve and deal with it. But it isn't that simple. Whenever I give it that extra thought my mind runs through other possibilities. My Mom, Aunt, Great Aunt and several distant cousins have MS. My webMD degree had me googling these symptoms and it COULD very well be sometime more sinister than a pinched nerve or carpal tunnel. It could be MS.
This symptom alone might not have me worried, but 7 years ago before I got pregnant with McKinley I suffered from some very unusual symptoms. So much that I saw a neurologist and had an MRI scheduled. There were times that I was having difficulty speaking or forgetting the words that I was wanting to speak. It was the strangest sensation. Unfortunately our health care system has some issues and by the time I got my MRI date I was pregnant with McKinley and the symptoms were a thing of the past.
The appointment with the neurologist was good, he gave me hope that it could be something else, I could have been suffering from migraines without the aura. That sounds logical. So much more logical than the MS which lingered on my mind.
So now that I am faced with symptom #2 this "doing the right thing" is getting harder and harder. I am even too scared to say anything to my husband or friends because I know they are going to vocalize my parents voice in my head and I'm not ready yet.
I need more time to get the courage up to do the right thing.
I remember as a teenager my parents always gave me that heavily weighted phrase "You do what you think is right". They were very wise with that statement. I knew exactly what the right thing was, but the whole internal battle between knowing the right thing and acting on it was sooo hard sometimes.
For the past several days I have been hearing my parents' voices in my head telling me to "Do what you think is right". I have been experiencing a tingling/numbness in my thumb and forefinger. This morning that numbness has increased and is not running along my pinkie and into my hand, even limiting the strength to make a fist.
See, simply looking at it I should go see the doctor right? Get it checked out and find out it is carpal tunnel or a pinched nerve and deal with it. But it isn't that simple. Whenever I give it that extra thought my mind runs through other possibilities. My Mom, Aunt, Great Aunt and several distant cousins have MS. My webMD degree had me googling these symptoms and it COULD very well be sometime more sinister than a pinched nerve or carpal tunnel. It could be MS.
This symptom alone might not have me worried, but 7 years ago before I got pregnant with McKinley I suffered from some very unusual symptoms. So much that I saw a neurologist and had an MRI scheduled. There were times that I was having difficulty speaking or forgetting the words that I was wanting to speak. It was the strangest sensation. Unfortunately our health care system has some issues and by the time I got my MRI date I was pregnant with McKinley and the symptoms were a thing of the past.
The appointment with the neurologist was good, he gave me hope that it could be something else, I could have been suffering from migraines without the aura. That sounds logical. So much more logical than the MS which lingered on my mind.
So now that I am faced with symptom #2 this "doing the right thing" is getting harder and harder. I am even too scared to say anything to my husband or friends because I know they are going to vocalize my parents voice in my head and I'm not ready yet.
I need more time to get the courage up to do the right thing.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
I'm the Gingerbread (wo)man
I think this story may have an influence on the previous post regarding the 'nickels'.
Tay, McKinley and Reid spent an evening decorating gingerbread men prior to Christmas. Reid, with the attention span of a typical 3 year old boy decorated his lopsided and heavily iced gingerbread men in record time and then was off to play with his colour changer cars.
Tay and McKinley, having the creative interest and attention to detail spent much longer on their creations.
This picture pretty much sums it up. McKinley still remembers the earrings on the nickels and the anatomical differences between a gingerbread man and a gingerbread woman.
Tay, McKinley and Reid spent an evening decorating gingerbread men prior to Christmas. Reid, with the attention span of a typical 3 year old boy decorated his lopsided and heavily iced gingerbread men in record time and then was off to play with his colour changer cars.
Tay and McKinley, having the creative interest and attention to detail spent much longer on their creations.
This picture pretty much sums it up. McKinley still remembers the earrings on the nickels and the anatomical differences between a gingerbread man and a gingerbread woman.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Nickels
My 5 year old daughter provided us with some very insightful information (and a good laugh) at the supper table recently.
She began informing us that people can have earrings in other places besides their ears. She proceeded to list off the nose, tongue, eyebrow, lips etc as the different places she has seen earrings. In fact her kindergarten teacher has a nose ring.
She then leaned over to Tay and quietly whispered to her that she has even seen a guy with earrings on his 'nickels'. At that point my very knowledgeable 14 year old was beginning to correct her by saying, "No, it isn't nickels....." To which I quickly shushed her.
My husband and I spent several days trying to figure out just how she would have seen something like this. As you can guess my very conservative accountant husband does NOT in fact have 'nickel' piercings. Later that week we took McKinley to her swimming lessons. While waiting for the classes to be called it became clear to us. There was a young father waiting with his infant for the parent/tot swim that had long hair and had much of his body covered in tattoo's. And sure enough.....in the middle of all that art work on his chest was earrings on his two 'nickels'.
Count on my clever and observant 5 year old to notice the little details huh?
She began informing us that people can have earrings in other places besides their ears. She proceeded to list off the nose, tongue, eyebrow, lips etc as the different places she has seen earrings. In fact her kindergarten teacher has a nose ring.
She then leaned over to Tay and quietly whispered to her that she has even seen a guy with earrings on his 'nickels'. At that point my very knowledgeable 14 year old was beginning to correct her by saying, "No, it isn't nickels....." To which I quickly shushed her.
My husband and I spent several days trying to figure out just how she would have seen something like this. As you can guess my very conservative accountant husband does NOT in fact have 'nickel' piercings. Later that week we took McKinley to her swimming lessons. While waiting for the classes to be called it became clear to us. There was a young father waiting with his infant for the parent/tot swim that had long hair and had much of his body covered in tattoo's. And sure enough.....in the middle of all that art work on his chest was earrings on his two 'nickels'.
Count on my clever and observant 5 year old to notice the little details huh?
Monday, January 3, 2011
Resolve
2011 Resolutions
My resolution is to do things with more resolve :) How's that for specific? Seriously I want to be more decisive with my life. I have so many resolutions that come to mind, but I want to act on them.
I resolve to start taking care of myself. That is a big one in itself. Eating healthy and being healthy is a big order. The last part of 2010 I made some life changes that resulted in some weight loss. Seeing the positive effects of that weight loss has motivated me to continue with this in 2011. It is made easier by my husband's effort as well. The 'strength in numbers' is so accurate. When I was younger I used to want to be skinny and/or more attractive. With age comes wisdom. Now I want to be healthier. I want to live longer, I want to enjoy the life our family has built.
I resolve to work hard at improving my relationship with Austin. I am just now beginning to understand how much my relationship with him has changed. That change is in part from the fact he is no longer living with us, but it is also due to the fact he is growing up.
With the same resolve I want to maintain the good relationships I have with Tay, McKinley and Reid and continue to appreciate the positives that each of my children bring into my life.
I am known by my friends and family as uberorganized, but I resolve to work at improving that organization in our family. The days and weeks that I prepare with meal planning, household chores, kids activities I feel a sense of accomplishment and more importantly a calmness. I resolve to find that calmness more often in 2011
My last and most important resolution: I am determined to attend a FOAF Meet-Up if one should occur in 2011. There is a group of girls I have formed an unexplainable bond with. I cannot begin to describe what they have given me or done for me over the past 7 years. The unique and sometimes negative characterstic of this special friendship is that we are very spread out geographically. I hope one day that all of us will be able to get together and share in person-face to face, what is normally spread over the miles.
Hopefully posting these resolutions will make me accountable.
Happy New Year and all the best in 2011!!
My resolution is to do things with more resolve :) How's that for specific? Seriously I want to be more decisive with my life. I have so many resolutions that come to mind, but I want to act on them.
I resolve to start taking care of myself. That is a big one in itself. Eating healthy and being healthy is a big order. The last part of 2010 I made some life changes that resulted in some weight loss. Seeing the positive effects of that weight loss has motivated me to continue with this in 2011. It is made easier by my husband's effort as well. The 'strength in numbers' is so accurate. When I was younger I used to want to be skinny and/or more attractive. With age comes wisdom. Now I want to be healthier. I want to live longer, I want to enjoy the life our family has built.
I resolve to work hard at improving my relationship with Austin. I am just now beginning to understand how much my relationship with him has changed. That change is in part from the fact he is no longer living with us, but it is also due to the fact he is growing up.
With the same resolve I want to maintain the good relationships I have with Tay, McKinley and Reid and continue to appreciate the positives that each of my children bring into my life.
I am known by my friends and family as uberorganized, but I resolve to work at improving that organization in our family. The days and weeks that I prepare with meal planning, household chores, kids activities I feel a sense of accomplishment and more importantly a calmness. I resolve to find that calmness more often in 2011
My last and most important resolution: I am determined to attend a FOAF Meet-Up if one should occur in 2011. There is a group of girls I have formed an unexplainable bond with. I cannot begin to describe what they have given me or done for me over the past 7 years. The unique and sometimes negative characterstic of this special friendship is that we are very spread out geographically. I hope one day that all of us will be able to get together and share in person-face to face, what is normally spread over the miles.
Hopefully posting these resolutions will make me accountable.
Happy New Year and all the best in 2011!!
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