6 Months

Six months ago, to the day, January 27th, I woke up with a numb thumb. Reading my blogs from 6 months ago it still all seems so surreal. Tomorrow morning I will have had these MS symptoms closer to a year. I only hope that the feeling and function returns before the one year mark.

The past few days I have been aware of the fact that I am in denial or at the very least have a resistance to the life changes I have experienced. Then I wonder, can it really be denial if I am aware of it and acknowledge it?

I am aware each day that I have MS. I know I do because my right hand still doesn't have feeling in it, my fingers are still tingly on my left hand, I easily get fatigued, My right leg sometimes 'buckles' when I walk, I have sore bruises on my thighs and stomach, I have flu like symptoms every other day. I'm trying really hard to find the reason that this is lasting for 6 months and what possible good could be found on this.

Because I have such constant reminders of my attack I am constantly reminded and determined to stay active and be the healthiest I can be. Because of my bad days I truly appreciate and enjoy the days I feel good. Because it has seemed like forever, but also just like yesterday I remember how bad it was when my attack was at it's peak and I am thankful for how far I have come.

Now I have to find a way to come to terms with what this disease has done and more importantly the fact that I can't control or even know what it is going to do to me in the future. That's the part I am having resistance to. As a planner and organizer I just want to mark down the day when the flu symptoms will stop. I want to put on the calendar the day that I will have full feeling back in my hand. I even want to mark down attack #2. It can be next month, next year or 10 years, but I just want to know.

I am going to try to have faith that 6 more months from today things will be better and not worse than they are this day.