I have been thinking a lot lately about memories or moments in your life that are forever etched in your mind.
Sometimes it is the really big moments in your life, like walking down the aisle with Austin the day I married Bob. Or really random small memories like when I was in grade one and had a pink smelly house shaped eraser that I showed my friends on the playground. The memory is so vivid I can still smell it.
I will always remember the feeling and look of my Dad's rough and calloused hands. I will remember the one camping trip where he pushed me so high on the swings I thought I could touch the sky. I also remember the phone call when my mom told me he died. I will never forget my moms screams or laying on the cool tile of my bathroom floor crying.
I remember riding in Bob's sports car the day he sold it. We drove it so fast and I had butterflies in my stomach from the thrill. I remember walking into the front door of the first house Bob and I bought together. I can still smell the fresh paint smell.
I remember my favorite pair of jeans I always wore as a teenager. The winter jacket my Dad took me shopping to buy. I remember making green pudding in elementary school for St Patricks Day.
I always worry my memories are fading or that I'm not as good at recalling my life, but if I think about it I have a lot of memories that make up me.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
6 Months
Six months ago, to the day, January 27th, I woke up with a numb thumb. Reading my blogs from 6 months ago it still all seems so surreal. Tomorrow morning I will have had these MS symptoms closer to a year. I only hope that the feeling and function returns before the one year mark.
The past few days I have been aware of the fact that I am in denial or at the very least have a resistance to the life changes I have experienced. Then I wonder, can it really be denial if I am aware of it and acknowledge it?
I am aware each day that I have MS. I know I do because my right hand still doesn't have feeling in it, my fingers are still tingly on my left hand, I easily get fatigued, My right leg sometimes 'buckles' when I walk, I have sore bruises on my thighs and stomach, I have flu like symptoms every other day. I'm trying really hard to find the reason that this is lasting for 6 months and what possible good could be found on this.
Because I have such constant reminders of my attack I am constantly reminded and determined to stay active and be the healthiest I can be. Because of my bad days I truly appreciate and enjoy the days I feel good. Because it has seemed like forever, but also just like yesterday I remember how bad it was when my attack was at it's peak and I am thankful for how far I have come.
Now I have to find a way to come to terms with what this disease has done and more importantly the fact that I can't control or even know what it is going to do to me in the future. That's the part I am having resistance to. As a planner and organizer I just want to mark down the day when the flu symptoms will stop. I want to put on the calendar the day that I will have full feeling back in my hand. I even want to mark down attack #2. It can be next month, next year or 10 years, but I just want to know.
I am going to try to have faith that 6 more months from today things will be better and not worse than they are this day.
The past few days I have been aware of the fact that I am in denial or at the very least have a resistance to the life changes I have experienced. Then I wonder, can it really be denial if I am aware of it and acknowledge it?
I am aware each day that I have MS. I know I do because my right hand still doesn't have feeling in it, my fingers are still tingly on my left hand, I easily get fatigued, My right leg sometimes 'buckles' when I walk, I have sore bruises on my thighs and stomach, I have flu like symptoms every other day. I'm trying really hard to find the reason that this is lasting for 6 months and what possible good could be found on this.
Because I have such constant reminders of my attack I am constantly reminded and determined to stay active and be the healthiest I can be. Because of my bad days I truly appreciate and enjoy the days I feel good. Because it has seemed like forever, but also just like yesterday I remember how bad it was when my attack was at it's peak and I am thankful for how far I have come.
Now I have to find a way to come to terms with what this disease has done and more importantly the fact that I can't control or even know what it is going to do to me in the future. That's the part I am having resistance to. As a planner and organizer I just want to mark down the day when the flu symptoms will stop. I want to put on the calendar the day that I will have full feeling back in my hand. I even want to mark down attack #2. It can be next month, next year or 10 years, but I just want to know.
I am going to try to have faith that 6 more months from today things will be better and not worse than they are this day.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Disability
The definition of disability is:
1.
lack of adequate power, strength, or physical or mental ability; incapacity.
2.
a physical or mental handicap, especially one that prevents a person from living a full, normal life or from holding a gainful job.
3.
anything that disables or puts one at a disadvantage
As a parent of a son diagnosed with ADD I have always taken issue with the word disability. His ADD does not fit the definition of disability and more importantly there are benefits and a positive side to ADD.
Since my return to work a few short weeks ago I've become hung up on the 'disability' word again. I can no longer pretend I don't have a disability and as deep as I dig I cannot find the positive in my disability. Sure I can tell you about the wonderful friend I have found because of my disability. I can even tell you about how healthy I have become and how hard I'm working to stay that way, but when it comes down to it I would give up so much not to have this disability.
The key words I see in the definition of disability is incapacity and disadvantage. I am incapable of writing. Something I used to take for granted but also something I used to be really good at. I am disadvantaged when I am trying to stir a pot, put a ponytail in, type on a keyboard, use nail clippers. I could write a very long list of things I am incapable of or have a disadvantage at.
I have recognized since returning to work that these disabilities have become more apparent and I'm struggling not to let that get me down. I know things could be so much worse and even a few months ago I was so much worse, but I just want to be capable again.
1.
lack of adequate power, strength, or physical or mental ability; incapacity.
2.
a physical or mental handicap, especially one that prevents a person from living a full, normal life or from holding a gainful job.
3.
anything that disables or puts one at a disadvantage
As a parent of a son diagnosed with ADD I have always taken issue with the word disability. His ADD does not fit the definition of disability and more importantly there are benefits and a positive side to ADD.
Since my return to work a few short weeks ago I've become hung up on the 'disability' word again. I can no longer pretend I don't have a disability and as deep as I dig I cannot find the positive in my disability. Sure I can tell you about the wonderful friend I have found because of my disability. I can even tell you about how healthy I have become and how hard I'm working to stay that way, but when it comes down to it I would give up so much not to have this disability.
The key words I see in the definition of disability is incapacity and disadvantage. I am incapable of writing. Something I used to take for granted but also something I used to be really good at. I am disadvantaged when I am trying to stir a pot, put a ponytail in, type on a keyboard, use nail clippers. I could write a very long list of things I am incapable of or have a disadvantage at.
I have recognized since returning to work that these disabilities have become more apparent and I'm struggling not to let that get me down. I know things could be so much worse and even a few months ago I was so much worse, but I just want to be capable again.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Dear Dad,
It's been two years since I've talked to you and I've been missing you so much. There has been so many big things that have happened in our lives that I really wished I was able to share with you.
I think Mom is doing alright, but misses you terribly. I have learned that you have to have faith and believe that everything happens for a reason. I know you are happy and with grandpa and grandma now and that even though we haven't seen you, you have been watching us.
I'm doing good. Sometimes I actually surprise myself when I think about the two years that you have been gone. We have had so many changes, big and small. Austin now lives with his dad and recently went through some very hard times in his life where he made some really bad choices, but we did good by him. We loved him and were firm with him. I often wonder what you would have said to me during this really tough times.
The other really tough time has been my MS diagnosis. There were so many nights in the beginning before I was diagnosed that I cried and prayed you would have some pull and make this all go away. Obviously it doesn't work that way cause I know you would have done everything you could have. I realize while I am powerless to change my illness I still have hope. I am working hard and making sure I do everything I can to be as healthy as I can for me and my family.
Dad, you would be so proud of your family. Austin passed all of his classes and is going into grade 12 in the fall. He has started playing hockey again and is really enjoying that He adores his little brother and in Reid's mind there isn't a cooler person around. Taylor just got her learners licence and made honor roll for her first year of high school. She has a job teaching gymnastics and is enjoying her teenage years. McKinley is so excited to start grade one and go to Tay's old school. She is reading chapter books and doing math problems. Reid is still our little go getter. He loves spiderman and can't wait to play hockey this fall. We still talk about the first sentence he said when you and mom brought that cake for dessert and he said "more cake please". I have to tell you I smiled yesterday as we had friends over for supper and they brought the exact same cake you guys did for dessert and McKinley and Reid remembered it and told them the story. It was just another one of those ways I am assured you are keeping a close eye on us. I found it very comforting that we were able to celebrate a happy memory on a day that was filled with such saddness.
After 2 years I miss you today as much as I did the day you left, but I can say that while the saddness and sorrow is still there, I am filled with comfort from the memories I have and the stories I share and pass on to my children. I am also starting to accept the peace that comes with the faith of knowing you are in a better place.
I love you and miss you
Love, Rhonda
I think Mom is doing alright, but misses you terribly. I have learned that you have to have faith and believe that everything happens for a reason. I know you are happy and with grandpa and grandma now and that even though we haven't seen you, you have been watching us.
I'm doing good. Sometimes I actually surprise myself when I think about the two years that you have been gone. We have had so many changes, big and small. Austin now lives with his dad and recently went through some very hard times in his life where he made some really bad choices, but we did good by him. We loved him and were firm with him. I often wonder what you would have said to me during this really tough times.
The other really tough time has been my MS diagnosis. There were so many nights in the beginning before I was diagnosed that I cried and prayed you would have some pull and make this all go away. Obviously it doesn't work that way cause I know you would have done everything you could have. I realize while I am powerless to change my illness I still have hope. I am working hard and making sure I do everything I can to be as healthy as I can for me and my family.
Dad, you would be so proud of your family. Austin passed all of his classes and is going into grade 12 in the fall. He has started playing hockey again and is really enjoying that He adores his little brother and in Reid's mind there isn't a cooler person around. Taylor just got her learners licence and made honor roll for her first year of high school. She has a job teaching gymnastics and is enjoying her teenage years. McKinley is so excited to start grade one and go to Tay's old school. She is reading chapter books and doing math problems. Reid is still our little go getter. He loves spiderman and can't wait to play hockey this fall. We still talk about the first sentence he said when you and mom brought that cake for dessert and he said "more cake please". I have to tell you I smiled yesterday as we had friends over for supper and they brought the exact same cake you guys did for dessert and McKinley and Reid remembered it and told them the story. It was just another one of those ways I am assured you are keeping a close eye on us. I found it very comforting that we were able to celebrate a happy memory on a day that was filled with such saddness.
After 2 years I miss you today as much as I did the day you left, but I can say that while the saddness and sorrow is still there, I am filled with comfort from the memories I have and the stories I share and pass on to my children. I am also starting to accept the peace that comes with the faith of knowing you are in a better place.
I love you and miss you
Love, Rhonda
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