2014

It has been such a long time since I have written in my blog. It's almost overwhelming to think about all that has changed in my life since my last entry. 

I became an orphan and a grandmother all in the past few months. 

On September 12, 2014 I said my last goodbye and help and soothed my mom as she left her life of pain and suffering to be with my dad. 

In the days and months leading up to my moms passing I felt I was prepared and logically I knew she would finally be at peace. What caught me by surprise was that my heart wasn't as logical as I had hoped it would be. In my mind I knew this was gods plan and it was for the best for her. What I had forgot to give much thought to was that she was my mom and no matter how logical it sounds you never want to say goodbye to your mom. Selfishly I wanted her here with me. 

I know in the end she didn't have that fear and pleading in her eyes as I held her hand and reassured her that we would be ok and that she was loved and can stop fighting now. I thank god that he gave her the faith to make that step easier...for her and for me. 

Saying goodbye to her that morning I was strong.  I was able to do what I had to do....share the sad news with friends and family.....make the arrangements for her funeral. 

It was the weeks after her funeral when I was sitting at home reaching for the phone or expecting the phone to ring that I realized I wasn't as strong as I had hoped. Nor was I as prepared for a life without my parents. When my dad died I was still able to seek that guidance, acceptance and unconditional love from my mom. Now I am orphaned, and my life has gotten a whole lot quieter. I realize now just how much I shared with my mom. And I struggle to fill that void now. 

On a much happier note just a few weeks ago I became a grandmother to a precious and perfect baby girl, Lilly Marie Gamracy. Just two months after my heart was breaking from the loss of my mom, it was bursting with love for a sweet little girl who we welcomed into our family. 

I see now how the circle is never ending.  How it changes through every birth and every passing but it never breaks. I am so very proud of my family and hope it can continue on to make my parents proud of what they left behind.