Bitter & Sweet

Yesterday was Father's Day. We had a great day celebrating my husband as a father. While I felt blessed to have such a wonderful partner in the parenting of my children it was a little bitter sweet. 

My dad has been gone for 5 years. I have had to honour my wonderful father every way except the way I desperately wish I still could.....in person. I still buy him a card and tuck in away in my night stand. I still have many moments in my day where I think "what would dad want me to do?"  And I still have many tears that fall when I think of all the things his daughter and grandchildren are missing. 

But I also find myself sharing more stories with my children of my Dad and my life growing up.  Sometimes they are big moments on my life that I share but more and more I am remembering all the wonderful little things that at the time probably didn't seem like much, but looking back are so very important. 

I want to be able to look back and know that I am still honouring his memory and making him proud. 

And I think last week I did just that. 

My 20 year old son has been 'lost' in his life lately and has so much anger towards me and the choices that I made in raising him.  The past year has had more moments of him hurling hateful and angry comments at me than the moments that warm my heart. Last week after a long silence from him he texted me to ask if I had any mail for him. He also felt the need to tell me that sending him to counsellors and giving him ADHD meds ruined his life.  I stood up to him and told him how each of my decisions were made out of love. I spent countless hours in parenting classes, counselling sessions and doctors appointments because I loved him. These choices weren't made lightly but they came from love. I also told him that I love him and will always love him but I love myself and can no longer let him treat me this way. 

I told him when and if he is ready to treat me with respect and understand I didn't do those things "to" you but "for" that he cannot be in our life. 

I was saddened by the......k, whatever. Bye text but I have to have faith that my dad was right and I did the right thing no matter how hard it was.  

I also have to have faith that one day Austin will see it for what it really is......a mothers unconditional love. 

Bitter......sweet and bittersweet moments.