"The heart wants what the heart wants"
I received a text from my brother today.
I only hear from him when he wants something. My Mom, although she lives in the same town as him sees him and speaks to him far less often than she does me. I'm angry that my brother is selfish and that the responsibility of my Mom almost always falls directly on my shoulders.
I didn't reply to his text until later tonight as I was leery and already had a troubling conversation with my Moms nurse about her current state of health and the decline I am seeing.
Once I finally did reply to my brother he asked about Mom, talked about how he wanted to visit with her. I found myself unloading my fears and concerns about our mothers health to him. In the midst of all his selfishness I find myself longing to have a relationship with him. I would love to know that I am not alone in my thoughts, feelings and decisions about our Mom. I would love to not feel so alone.
I have my own set of issues each time I walk into my Mom's room. I try not to think about my own MS and how seeing her makes me fear for my own future and what I may end up leaving my family to deal with. But it's hard, those thoughts are easy to come and while I would never wish this disease on my brother, I would welcome his support.
So, the heart wants what the heart wants means that the heart is not always reasonable or logical. It knows that sometimes while what you want isn't good for you or even realistic it doesn't stop you from wanting it.
So tonight my heart is wishing I had a brother I was close with, that it could tell my fears to, that could help ease the burden of caring for mom. That's what the heart wants.
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