Reflecting

I started blogging because I enjoyed reading a friends blog.  A little insight into her life that I really enjoyed.  Who would have known that I would get so much out of my own blog?
I have struggled and worked through issues that weighed heavily on my heart in my blog.  I have found acceptance and peace in my blogging over the months.

As the one year anniversary of my Dad's death is approaching I realize much of what I blog has to do with my Dad.  I'm thinking that means that I am still working through the grieving process and obviously my "I'm fine" response isn't always accurate.  As July 9th inches closer I get this anxious feeling my my heart and a lump in my throat. 
My biggest issue is that my Dad was ALONE when he left us.  The weeks leading up to his death were memorable in their own way with celebrity deaths; Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson.  I remember thinking that they were both too young to be gone, but never once thinking that death would soon take my Dad too soon.  I also remember being very busy with the purchase of our new house.  I was so excited the first night that we spent in our new home.  I was anxious as I was worried how the little ones would handle the new house for their first night. 
I was putting Reid to bed in his new room with his big boy bed and my Mom phoned.  I told Tay to tell Grandma that I would call her back after I was done putting Reid to bed as I didn't want to rush things and I wanted them to be perfect for Reid's first night.  Much of what happened after that is a blur. I remember Tay telling me that Grandma couldn't wait.  Picking up the phone I wondered what could be that important that she couldn't wait.  I heard my Mom hysterical on the other end of the phone.  She was screaming "He's gone, He's gone".  I remember hearing from my Mom how she was home alone with the RCMP came to the door to tell her that Dad had had a heart attack while unloading in semitruck in Saskatoon and that he was taken to the hospital but they were unable to save him.  I remember Mom saying that my brother was at the lake and that she was all alone.  I phoned my brother and heard him sobbing on the other end saying he was on his way to Mom and that they were getting the new camper set up and Mom & Dad were supposed to come out for a visit the next day.
Then things get fuzzy.  I remember laying on the cold tile of the bathroom floor and shaking.  I remember Bob holding me.  I even remember falling asleep for the first night in my new home without my Dad.  I know something in me changed that day and I dont think things will ever be the same. 
I am trying to find a way to make my way in the world without my Dad.  And even almost a year later I am still working through all the feelings I have.  Some days are better than others, but I still have anger, I have sadness and I have regret. 
Luckily for me this blog from my silly little blogs to the big emotional issues I am working through those feelings and learning how to live my life with my Dad in my heart and memories.

Another First

I had another first.  My first Father's Day without my Dad.  I had a father last Father's Day.  I remember wishing him a Happy Father's Day and sharing those memories with him.  I had no idea it would be the last one.  If I had only known.
This Father's Day I wanted to stay busy and focus on the kids and my wonderful husband who is a wonderful Father, but it was hard.  There were moments, like early this morning out at the lake sitting by myself thinking about all the Father's Day presents I made by hand for my Dad when I was little, all the whisker rubs I used to get from him. 

I remember having sympathy for friends who lost a parent, but until I joined that group I really couldn't comprehend how hard it was.

Today I am going to try to be happy and think about all the Father's Days I did share with him, but the overwhelming sadness of all the ones I will miss is making it hard.

I LOVE you Dad!  Probably more than you ever knew.
Happy Father's Day Dad!

What Cancer Cannot Do

It cannot cripple love

It cannot shatter hope

It cannot corrode faith

It cannot destroy peace

It cannot kill friendship

It cannot suppress memories

It cannot silence courage

It cannot invade the soul

It cannot steal eternal life

It cannot conquer the spirit

I can also tell you what cancer CAN DO.  It can bring friends and strangers together to fight for a common cause.  It can create an enormous support system for friends and families struggling.
It can bring 850 people together for one night in one room with an overwhelming outpouring of generosity and love, and it can remind everyone that life is important.

The Greatest Man

There are moments I can't believe it has only been a year, and then there are moments that it feels like forever since I have heard my Dad's voice, saw his face or felt his love.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish he was here.  I don't know how many times over the months I wished I could have picked up the phone to ask  him a question that I know without a doubt he could have answered for me.  I wish he didn't have to miss out on all the moments that he should have been a part of.  

I often read what my uncle read at my Dad's funeral.  I take comfort in the fact that he was so loved and he had touched so many lives.  I am grateful for the memories and I have to say that now months later I am able to share more and more of my memories of my Dad with others.  

I miss you every day Dad and pray you are at peace and proud of me.  (((((hugs)))))

The greatest man I never knew lived just down the hall
And everyday we said hello
But never touched at all
He was in his paper
I was in my room
How was I to know he thought I hung the moon

The greatest man I never knew came home late every night
He never had too much to say
Too much was on his mind
I never really knew him
And now it seems so sad
Everything he gave to us took all he had

Then the days turned into years
And the memories to black and white
He grew cold like an old winter wind blowing across my life

The greatest words I never heard I guess I'll never hear
The man I thought would never die has 'been dead almost a year
He was good at business
But there was business left to do
He never said he loved me
Guess he thought I knew

Reba McEntire             

Words of Wisdom from a 5 year old

"If you see a stranger and then you see a stranger again they are still a stranger and you shouldn't talk to them"



Those are the words of wisdom from my ever so clever 5 year old daughter, McKinley.  I love looking at life through her eyes.  It is such a wonder.

The Good, The Bad...

A few months ago my Mom for the first time in several years rode the bus from her town to our city.  I know she was nervous.  I know this because I was nervous waiting at the bus depot for her.  My Mom has MS and is in a wheel chair so I worried this would be too big a stress for her or that things wouldn't go smoothly.
When her bus arrived at the bus depot I waited until all the people cleared off the bus and I saw the employees lower my Mom in her lift.  She greeted me with a big smile.  That trip and the one returning her back home was a pleasant experience for both her and I.  So much that she has since done it two more times.
The week after that first trip I wrote an email to the bus company thanking them for the wonderful service.  From the security guard who was friendly and assisted with Mom's luggage to the bus driver who helped Mom on and off the bus.
I have to say I was taken a little off guard when I received not only a thank you email from the company, but a call from the CEO of the company.  He thanked me for taking the time to pass on our appreciation of the staff and service we received.
Why is it that when we don't get good service or get treated nicely we are the first to vocalize that, but when we receive exceptional service we are less likely to say something?
I am going to try to make a conscious effort to comment not only on the bad in my life but also the good.