Bitter & Sweet

Yesterday was Father's Day. We had a great day celebrating my husband as a father. While I felt blessed to have such a wonderful partner in the parenting of my children it was a little bitter sweet. 

My dad has been gone for 5 years. I have had to honour my wonderful father every way except the way I desperately wish I still could.....in person. I still buy him a card and tuck in away in my night stand. I still have many moments in my day where I think "what would dad want me to do?"  And I still have many tears that fall when I think of all the things his daughter and grandchildren are missing. 

But I also find myself sharing more stories with my children of my Dad and my life growing up.  Sometimes they are big moments on my life that I share but more and more I am remembering all the wonderful little things that at the time probably didn't seem like much, but looking back are so very important. 

I want to be able to look back and know that I am still honouring his memory and making him proud. 

And I think last week I did just that. 

My 20 year old son has been 'lost' in his life lately and has so much anger towards me and the choices that I made in raising him.  The past year has had more moments of him hurling hateful and angry comments at me than the moments that warm my heart. Last week after a long silence from him he texted me to ask if I had any mail for him. He also felt the need to tell me that sending him to counsellors and giving him ADHD meds ruined his life.  I stood up to him and told him how each of my decisions were made out of love. I spent countless hours in parenting classes, counselling sessions and doctors appointments because I loved him. These choices weren't made lightly but they came from love. I also told him that I love him and will always love him but I love myself and can no longer let him treat me this way. 

I told him when and if he is ready to treat me with respect and understand I didn't do those things "to" you but "for" that he cannot be in our life. 

I was saddened by the......k, whatever. Bye text but I have to have faith that my dad was right and I did the right thing no matter how hard it was.  

I also have to have faith that one day Austin will see it for what it really is......a mothers unconditional love. 

Bitter......sweet and bittersweet moments. 

Round One

Today started like any other Sunday morning. 

Had my cup of coffee with the kids.  Made breakfast and saw my husband off to his home office to work for the morning. 

Then I looked at my calendar and to do list on my ipad and decided to enjoy the nice weather and get the flowers planted. 

The only thing different I did this morning was take 2 tecfidera instead of the 1 pill twice a day that I was taking for a week. Now I have to say the 1/2 dose hasn't been without its challenges this past week. I've had some crazy flushing, burning and itching. It's one of those side effects like my parathesia and numbness that makes you question your sanity. 

But this morning I not only experienced the flushing I actually threw up.  Almost exactly an hour after taking those two little pills my body without any real warning decided to share its opinion of this new medication.  

I struggled through the rest of the day with that feeling and just having an "off" day. I know a lot of it was my mindset. I let the negativity and dark thoughts take over from my usual outlook on this disease. 

I am just tired of letting MS take more away from me. The list started in my head and I became angry at my body for letting this damn disease win this round. 

So tonight be damned if it didn't take me all freakin' day, I finished planting those flowers. And with a puke pail supplied by my 7 year old son I took my 2 evening pills. That was 1 1/2 hours ago.......and fingers crossed it looks like my body is going to win this round. And it's just what I needed to get back into the ring.