ME & MS

Last night my 16 year old had to interview me for Christian Ethics class.  There were the basic questions, where was a born, what was my first job,my favorite childhood toy. 
Then the questions got harder, what was your relationship like with your parents when you were a teen, what were two of the most difficult times in your life?

I was shocked after I listed the two most difficult times in my life and neither one of them were my diagnosis or struggle with MS. 

Does that mean I am in denial about my disease?  I don't think so.  I think it is more that I have come to terms with my disease and the new me.  My husband pointed out that I didnt even mention it in my top 2.  I was stunned at first but then pleased that I havent let it define me.

I am ok right now where I am in life regarding my MS.  I am not sure that my answer wont change as my disease progresses but for now I am ok coexisting with this disease.

The boy he used to be

I've been missing Austin an awful lot lately. I don't miss my son, the drug user, liar and manipulator. But I miss the kind hearted boy that he is. I miss his big smile and that quirky sense of humor that is so much like mine.



I want to believe that part of my son is still in there and that 'this too shall pass' and one day he will come back. I've lost count of how many times I have thought he was at a turning point or low point in his life and that he was going to make a change. I've been wrong each and every time.



And now with this new friend.....drugs I hardly know my son anymore and a little more of the boy I miss seems to fade away.
I spend more time thinking about the early years and wonder where I went wrong, what I could have done differently so that he would be in a better place in his life right now. My mind also wonders down the dark and scary thoughts of how much worse can things get?