Things I'm missing

The past few days have been difficult for me. 

After a doctors appointment this afternoon I am ready to admit I am dealing with a setback with my MS. I always hesitate to use the term "attack".  Part of the reason is that I hate the word, it sounds mean and defeating.  Setback is somewhat more positive and at times like this I need to find all the positives I can.  

So, I admitted today that I am dealing with a setback, but it is somewhat familiar in the symptoms I experienced with my first attack.  While the symptoms are maybe easier to accept since I have had these obstacles in the past, they all bring back the emotions and feelings I experienced at the start of my diagnosis. 

In a matter of days Ive gone from feeling strong and victorious to incompetent and negative. 

I am constantly reminded of my inabilities. I remember the abilities I lost and took for granted the first battle.  I promised myself that if and when I regained those things I would never take them for granted again. But I did.  

Things I miss:

My right hand things I used to do without thinking.......

Writing

Typing

Brushing my teeth

Eating with utensils

Cutting with knives

Folding laundry

Turning the keys in the ignition

Picking up stuff

Shaving my legs

Brushing my hair

Putting in a ponytail

The list goes on.  The part that gets me is how what is seen as simple things can cause me such strong feelings of incompetency.  Part of me wishes I appreciated the gradual increase in my abilities more.  Maybe the loss of them again wouldn't be so hard to take. 

But then again I think maybe after a few days of a pity party I'm ready to take on this challenge. 

The symptoms are no longer getting worse.  My MS hug, while uncomfortable doesn't scare me as it was something I suffered the first time.  The itching and hives I wake up with at night has lessened with Benadryl. The stumbles in my steps are less frequent and improve with rest. The numbness even though much worse is still something I am familiar with over the past 4 years with this disease. 

This "setback" is something I will get past and if I am lucky the things I am missing will once again become something I take for granted. 

Thankful

Despite my MS worsening the past few days I woke up this morning and made a concious effort to stay focused on being thankful for all the blessings in my life. 

I have been struggling with handling the stresses in my life which is making things really tricky with my disease which is so very impacted by stress. 

I was disappointed that my body let me down. That my stress has affected me physically.  But then I started thinking...what if I am handling the stress the best that I can right now?  

What if my body is doing the best it can with what it has right now?

I am thankful I have not had an attack, for the love and support from my family and friends in my life, for the quiet moments of peace with my favourite music.  

Today I am going to focus on the blessings I am thankful for, big and small.  I will push aside the fears and uncertainty about the unknowns and what I cannot control.