Giving Back

I attended a "Living Well with chronic illness" through my employer and health region a few months back. I completed the course feeling empowered and with a strong desire to help others. 

I remember the beginning months of my diagnosis and how I felt.  Helpless, afraid, powerless, alone. 

I want to make those months a little easier for someone else. I want to make the dark moments a little less dark for them. 

I agreed to take the peer training to facilitate this course for others living with chronic illness. I think not only will it keep me in check and using the tools I learned, but it will also give me a sense of purpose. 

If I can make things even just a little easier for someone going through a dark and hard time I want to do it. 

Even if it is as simple as someone sitting in the course realizing, "I am not alone, there are others with similar struggles and feelings". 

Before I learned anything in this course, just sitting in a small group listening to others share, I already felt validated. 

I have always had a wonderful and positive support system with my friends and family.  But while they are always supporting they thankfully could never relate. Sitting next to someone who can't feel their hands, has balance issues, tears up thinking about the unpredictability of their future has calmed me and made me stronger. 

I have signed up to the peer instructor course so that I can help people out of the dark and times and let them know not only are they not alone, there are people who can relate, show you tools to make things easier and give you hope. 

Our Family....

My favourite quote, which adorns many of the walls in our home is:

Our family is a circle of strength and love,

With every birth and every union the circle grows,

Every crisis faced together makes the circle stronger. 

After the truly wonderful memories we have made on our family vacation my thoughts are on my family and how blessed I am. 

Just before this vacation our family faced a few crisis'. My 17 year old made some really bad choices which luckily did not end with the serious consequences that it could have. It was a good reminder than she still is a teenager and she still has her lessons in life to learn. This crisis also made me realize that being a teenager back in my days wasn't as scary and complicated as it is now. 

I was disappointed in her choices, but through all my anger and disappointment I kept repeating to her how much she was loved. In the midst of this crisis when I saw her tears and the fear in her eyes I felt the need to remind her of the strength and love that our family is made up of. 

Our family circle is very strong. I can feel the strength during the crisis moments just as much as I can during the wonderful moments filled with joy. I find myself being thankful and appreciating this family circle more and more. 

I wonder if it is because I am getting older and appreciating the good things in life more?  Is it maybe that with age comes wisdom and I realize that the little things in life are really the big things. 

Here's a list of a few of my little things;

My children's infectious giggle. 

The funny things that my children say that bring a smile to my face. 

The memories created captured by my heart but not my camera. 

A random hug and kiss. 

All the wonders of new experiences through the eyes of my children. 

Seeing my traits and characteristics in my children. 

Walking hand in hand with my husband. 

I think it is going to be hard to top this near perfect vacation spent with family and friends.  I can't wait  to try though. 

Extremes

My blogging has been quiet for the past month.  Normally the quietness is either from me being busy and loving life or me dealing with new stressors.  This time it is a combination of both. 
I have had my MS tested with stress I could never have imagined I would be dealing with.  But I am happy to report that I was able to keep my symptoms in check and I did not have an attack.

Last Saturday I sat with my 17 year old daughter in the exact same room in the emergency where I went when I was dealing with my unknown symptoms that would later be revealed as Multiple Sclerosis.  I was proud looking back from where I came from to where I am today.  I am also more accepting of this disability and learning to appreciate my life's blessings and make the most of life.

While I am glad I have come so far, there are still dark thoughts.  But I think that is maybe normal for someone with an incurable and unpredictable disease.  I need to find a balance between the darkness and the blessings.

This morning in the shower I found myself smiling at the thought of my good life.  Despite all the recent stressful situations I can still feel  the blessings and good in my life.  I am thinking that is one of the reasons I have managed to keep my disease in check and didnt suffer an attack when the stress was really high. 

I know things can go from one extreme to the other, but as long as I can have faith that this too shall pass I can level out these extremes.

Because of you...

It's been 4 years since I have heard your voice or seen your face. There's been so many moments where I thought of you and wished you were here. There were moments where I even forgot that you weren't here. 

But you aren't here.....you haven't been for 4 years. 

I am still working and trying to make sure that because of you I am loving deeper and living fuller. 

Thank you Dad. I love you and miss you.

Monday

The side effects from my needle were better than usual this week.  I figured by the afternoon I was feeling well enough to go for a run. 
I couldn't have attempted a more pathetic run if I tried.  I hit the 1km mark and I had to surrender.
Instead I took a nice long walk and thought about my yoga class that talked about my 'today body'. 
I tried not to get down by my body failing on me.  I am still fortunate that I can walk and enjoy the runs on my good days. 

But it did get me thinking....what if I reach a point where it is more than just Mondays where my body is not ready?   Im not ready for that.

That Little Voice

I run because its my happy place. 

I run because it makes me stronger.

I run because I love my life.

I run because it quiets that little voice inside me,the one that used to scream "You have MS" 

I run because I still can. 

Happy Father's Day

Sunday was fathers day.

This is my third Father's Day without my Dad, and almost 4 years since I said goodbye to my Dad.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the regrets I have with my Dad. I didn't tell him I loved him and I didn't thank him for everything he did for me and everything he was to me.
I can't change that and that is a source of a lot of regret. 

So while I spent today celebrating and appreciating my husband who is a wonderful father to our children, I also shed a few tears for the Dad that I miss more than ever.
But I promise to live my life differently.  I want those I love to know I love them, appreciate them and just how important they are to me. 

The Girl In The Mirror

I was in line at Bath & Body Works last week waiting to pay for my purchase and I caught sight of someone with hair colour that I liked.....I realized that it was my reflection. 

It has been over a year and a half since I reached the 80lbs lost.  What I haven't been able to do yet is accept the reflection in the mirror.  My self image has not caught up to the physical changes.  I dont know when or if that will ever happen. 

I feel healthier, but when Im looking at clothes my first instinct is not to go to the size 6 or 8 clothes, but still without thought go to the size that I used to be. 
I'm beginning to wonder if the picture in my mind is ever going to match real life. 

How many years is it going to take for me to keep the weight off before I can stop living in fear that this is just temporary?  How long will it take until I recognize the girl in the mirror??

My "Mini Me"

As I watch my 8 year old daughter, McKinley, I realize that I am influencing her much more than I ever imagined.  And what's even more surprising is that most of it isn't by what I tell her but by her seeing me live my life. 

It reminds me of the quote:

“My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it”
― Clarence Budington Kelland

I have told McKinley a lot of things, but I find the biggest lessons that are lasting for her have been from what she has seen me do.  She is much more aware of the benefits of being active and making healthy choices and that is because she has watched me.  She makes healthier food choices, even reads the labels on the packages now. 
I'm proud of her.    I see the mini me in the mornings when she tries to match her outfit, hairstyle or jewelry to mine.  I even notice when I hear her speak and she has the same tone as me and sometimes even uses a direct quote of something I have said.  While I am so very proud I also have to be careful that I set a good example for my mini me.

10 Years From Now

This is a great question to think about.  Instinctively I do not like change.  I think that is probably the norm with most people.  This is a great way of looking at it from another point of view.

Recently my husband, despite the fear of change, took the steps to make sure his career would not be exactly the same 10 years from now. 
He was not happy, but had spent 15 years doing exactly the same thing.  I think it takes courage and drive to take those steps and I'm proud to be married to a smart and successful husband who is making the change.  It is still early, but I can already tell that aside from some of the scary unknowns he is happier. 
Our entire family is benefiting from his happiness.  All because he overcame his fear of change.