I have been thinking a lot lately about memories or moments in your life that are forever etched in your mind.
Sometimes it is the really big moments in your life, like walking down the aisle with Austin the day I married Bob. Or really random small memories like when I was in grade one and had a pink smelly house shaped eraser that I showed my friends on the playground. The memory is so vivid I can still smell it.
I will always remember the feeling and look of my Dad's rough and calloused hands. I will remember the one camping trip where he pushed me so high on the swings I thought I could touch the sky. I also remember the phone call when my mom told me he died. I will never forget my moms screams or laying on the cool tile of my bathroom floor crying.
I remember riding in Bob's sports car the day he sold it. We drove it so fast and I had butterflies in my stomach from the thrill. I remember walking into the front door of the first house Bob and I bought together. I can still smell the fresh paint smell.
I remember my favorite pair of jeans I always wore as a teenager. The winter jacket my Dad took me shopping to buy. I remember making green pudding in elementary school for St Patricks Day.
I always worry my memories are fading or that I'm not as good at recalling my life, but if I think about it I have a lot of memories that make up me.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
6 Months
Six months ago, to the day, January 27th, I woke up with a numb thumb. Reading my blogs from 6 months ago it still all seems so surreal. Tomorrow morning I will have had these MS symptoms closer to a year. I only hope that the feeling and function returns before the one year mark.
The past few days I have been aware of the fact that I am in denial or at the very least have a resistance to the life changes I have experienced. Then I wonder, can it really be denial if I am aware of it and acknowledge it?
I am aware each day that I have MS. I know I do because my right hand still doesn't have feeling in it, my fingers are still tingly on my left hand, I easily get fatigued, My right leg sometimes 'buckles' when I walk, I have sore bruises on my thighs and stomach, I have flu like symptoms every other day. I'm trying really hard to find the reason that this is lasting for 6 months and what possible good could be found on this.
Because I have such constant reminders of my attack I am constantly reminded and determined to stay active and be the healthiest I can be. Because of my bad days I truly appreciate and enjoy the days I feel good. Because it has seemed like forever, but also just like yesterday I remember how bad it was when my attack was at it's peak and I am thankful for how far I have come.
Now I have to find a way to come to terms with what this disease has done and more importantly the fact that I can't control or even know what it is going to do to me in the future. That's the part I am having resistance to. As a planner and organizer I just want to mark down the day when the flu symptoms will stop. I want to put on the calendar the day that I will have full feeling back in my hand. I even want to mark down attack #2. It can be next month, next year or 10 years, but I just want to know.
I am going to try to have faith that 6 more months from today things will be better and not worse than they are this day.
The past few days I have been aware of the fact that I am in denial or at the very least have a resistance to the life changes I have experienced. Then I wonder, can it really be denial if I am aware of it and acknowledge it?
I am aware each day that I have MS. I know I do because my right hand still doesn't have feeling in it, my fingers are still tingly on my left hand, I easily get fatigued, My right leg sometimes 'buckles' when I walk, I have sore bruises on my thighs and stomach, I have flu like symptoms every other day. I'm trying really hard to find the reason that this is lasting for 6 months and what possible good could be found on this.
Because I have such constant reminders of my attack I am constantly reminded and determined to stay active and be the healthiest I can be. Because of my bad days I truly appreciate and enjoy the days I feel good. Because it has seemed like forever, but also just like yesterday I remember how bad it was when my attack was at it's peak and I am thankful for how far I have come.
Now I have to find a way to come to terms with what this disease has done and more importantly the fact that I can't control or even know what it is going to do to me in the future. That's the part I am having resistance to. As a planner and organizer I just want to mark down the day when the flu symptoms will stop. I want to put on the calendar the day that I will have full feeling back in my hand. I even want to mark down attack #2. It can be next month, next year or 10 years, but I just want to know.
I am going to try to have faith that 6 more months from today things will be better and not worse than they are this day.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Disability
The definition of disability is:
1.
lack of adequate power, strength, or physical or mental ability; incapacity.
2.
a physical or mental handicap, especially one that prevents a person from living a full, normal life or from holding a gainful job.
3.
anything that disables or puts one at a disadvantage
As a parent of a son diagnosed with ADD I have always taken issue with the word disability. His ADD does not fit the definition of disability and more importantly there are benefits and a positive side to ADD.
Since my return to work a few short weeks ago I've become hung up on the 'disability' word again. I can no longer pretend I don't have a disability and as deep as I dig I cannot find the positive in my disability. Sure I can tell you about the wonderful friend I have found because of my disability. I can even tell you about how healthy I have become and how hard I'm working to stay that way, but when it comes down to it I would give up so much not to have this disability.
The key words I see in the definition of disability is incapacity and disadvantage. I am incapable of writing. Something I used to take for granted but also something I used to be really good at. I am disadvantaged when I am trying to stir a pot, put a ponytail in, type on a keyboard, use nail clippers. I could write a very long list of things I am incapable of or have a disadvantage at.
I have recognized since returning to work that these disabilities have become more apparent and I'm struggling not to let that get me down. I know things could be so much worse and even a few months ago I was so much worse, but I just want to be capable again.
1.
lack of adequate power, strength, or physical or mental ability; incapacity.
2.
a physical or mental handicap, especially one that prevents a person from living a full, normal life or from holding a gainful job.
3.
anything that disables or puts one at a disadvantage
As a parent of a son diagnosed with ADD I have always taken issue with the word disability. His ADD does not fit the definition of disability and more importantly there are benefits and a positive side to ADD.
Since my return to work a few short weeks ago I've become hung up on the 'disability' word again. I can no longer pretend I don't have a disability and as deep as I dig I cannot find the positive in my disability. Sure I can tell you about the wonderful friend I have found because of my disability. I can even tell you about how healthy I have become and how hard I'm working to stay that way, but when it comes down to it I would give up so much not to have this disability.
The key words I see in the definition of disability is incapacity and disadvantage. I am incapable of writing. Something I used to take for granted but also something I used to be really good at. I am disadvantaged when I am trying to stir a pot, put a ponytail in, type on a keyboard, use nail clippers. I could write a very long list of things I am incapable of or have a disadvantage at.
I have recognized since returning to work that these disabilities have become more apparent and I'm struggling not to let that get me down. I know things could be so much worse and even a few months ago I was so much worse, but I just want to be capable again.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Dear Dad,
It's been two years since I've talked to you and I've been missing you so much. There has been so many big things that have happened in our lives that I really wished I was able to share with you.
I think Mom is doing alright, but misses you terribly. I have learned that you have to have faith and believe that everything happens for a reason. I know you are happy and with grandpa and grandma now and that even though we haven't seen you, you have been watching us.
I'm doing good. Sometimes I actually surprise myself when I think about the two years that you have been gone. We have had so many changes, big and small. Austin now lives with his dad and recently went through some very hard times in his life where he made some really bad choices, but we did good by him. We loved him and were firm with him. I often wonder what you would have said to me during this really tough times.
The other really tough time has been my MS diagnosis. There were so many nights in the beginning before I was diagnosed that I cried and prayed you would have some pull and make this all go away. Obviously it doesn't work that way cause I know you would have done everything you could have. I realize while I am powerless to change my illness I still have hope. I am working hard and making sure I do everything I can to be as healthy as I can for me and my family.
Dad, you would be so proud of your family. Austin passed all of his classes and is going into grade 12 in the fall. He has started playing hockey again and is really enjoying that He adores his little brother and in Reid's mind there isn't a cooler person around. Taylor just got her learners licence and made honor roll for her first year of high school. She has a job teaching gymnastics and is enjoying her teenage years. McKinley is so excited to start grade one and go to Tay's old school. She is reading chapter books and doing math problems. Reid is still our little go getter. He loves spiderman and can't wait to play hockey this fall. We still talk about the first sentence he said when you and mom brought that cake for dessert and he said "more cake please". I have to tell you I smiled yesterday as we had friends over for supper and they brought the exact same cake you guys did for dessert and McKinley and Reid remembered it and told them the story. It was just another one of those ways I am assured you are keeping a close eye on us. I found it very comforting that we were able to celebrate a happy memory on a day that was filled with such saddness.
After 2 years I miss you today as much as I did the day you left, but I can say that while the saddness and sorrow is still there, I am filled with comfort from the memories I have and the stories I share and pass on to my children. I am also starting to accept the peace that comes with the faith of knowing you are in a better place.
I love you and miss you
Love, Rhonda
I think Mom is doing alright, but misses you terribly. I have learned that you have to have faith and believe that everything happens for a reason. I know you are happy and with grandpa and grandma now and that even though we haven't seen you, you have been watching us.
I'm doing good. Sometimes I actually surprise myself when I think about the two years that you have been gone. We have had so many changes, big and small. Austin now lives with his dad and recently went through some very hard times in his life where he made some really bad choices, but we did good by him. We loved him and were firm with him. I often wonder what you would have said to me during this really tough times.
The other really tough time has been my MS diagnosis. There were so many nights in the beginning before I was diagnosed that I cried and prayed you would have some pull and make this all go away. Obviously it doesn't work that way cause I know you would have done everything you could have. I realize while I am powerless to change my illness I still have hope. I am working hard and making sure I do everything I can to be as healthy as I can for me and my family.
Dad, you would be so proud of your family. Austin passed all of his classes and is going into grade 12 in the fall. He has started playing hockey again and is really enjoying that He adores his little brother and in Reid's mind there isn't a cooler person around. Taylor just got her learners licence and made honor roll for her first year of high school. She has a job teaching gymnastics and is enjoying her teenage years. McKinley is so excited to start grade one and go to Tay's old school. She is reading chapter books and doing math problems. Reid is still our little go getter. He loves spiderman and can't wait to play hockey this fall. We still talk about the first sentence he said when you and mom brought that cake for dessert and he said "more cake please". I have to tell you I smiled yesterday as we had friends over for supper and they brought the exact same cake you guys did for dessert and McKinley and Reid remembered it and told them the story. It was just another one of those ways I am assured you are keeping a close eye on us. I found it very comforting that we were able to celebrate a happy memory on a day that was filled with such saddness.
After 2 years I miss you today as much as I did the day you left, but I can say that while the saddness and sorrow is still there, I am filled with comfort from the memories I have and the stories I share and pass on to my children. I am also starting to accept the peace that comes with the faith of knowing you are in a better place.
I love you and miss you
Love, Rhonda
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Three Little Words
Funny how sometimes when you always hear those three little words, "I love you" you take them for granted. But when you stop hearing them the silence is deafening.
Coincidentally since I told my husband the other three little words "I have MS" I haven't heard the original three little words from him. I've heard things like "We will get through this" "I'm here for you" "You'll get better" from him, but as each day passes I can't help but wonder.
Coincidentally since I told my husband the other three little words "I have MS" I haven't heard the original three little words from him. I've heard things like "We will get through this" "I'm here for you" "You'll get better" from him, but as each day passes I can't help but wonder.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Reminder of What Cancer Cannot Do
THURSDAY, JUNE 17, 2010
I can also tell you what cancer CAN DO. It can bring friends and strangers together to fight for a common cause. It can create an enormous support system for friends and families struggling.
It can bring 850 people together for one night in one room with an overwhelming outpouring of generosity and love, and it can remind everyone that life is important.
Thank you Dwight for teaching us so much.
What Cancer Cannot Do
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit
I can also tell you what cancer CAN DO. It can bring friends and strangers together to fight for a common cause. It can create an enormous support system for friends and families struggling.
It can bring 850 people together for one night in one room with an overwhelming outpouring of generosity and love, and it can remind everyone that life is important.
Thank you Dwight for teaching us so much.
Goodbye
Last night we lost a wonderful friend.
The friend I have blogged about that was diagnosed with leukemia and had a stem cell transplant last fall passed away.
I am still in shock as to how quickly things can change. And my heart is breaking for his wife, daughter and family & friends.
Dwight was one of the people I looked up to and drew strength from because of the amazing strength and faith he had. A good friend of mine told me that we were given our disease because God believed we would do good and make a difference. I believe that with Dwight. He has made a difference and will continue to make a difference in all of the lives that he touched. And he touched so many. I remember being a part of the first benefit concert and the wonderful feeling watching all those people together for the same cause.
May 30, 2010 Perspective - Part 2
After spending Saturday evening at a benefit concert for a friend battling leukemia I have learned a little more about my perspective on life.
Along with 500+ friends & family I felt a tremendous urge to do what I could for a friend in need. I was so proud of everyone in attendance.
Human nature is a great thing.....we cannot help but do all we can for our friends and family in need. The outpouring of love and support made me thankful for the wonderful friends I have and the great community we live in.
I hate that I have lost someone to cancer, that I know someone with cancer, that there is not yet a cure for cancer. But on the opposite end of the spectrum I love that we feel empathy, we have helped someone with cancer and we are all working towards a cure.
I can't help but be thankful for the wonderful life I have and the wonderful people that have blessed it.
That's today's perspective.
Dwight, you will be missed.
The friend I have blogged about that was diagnosed with leukemia and had a stem cell transplant last fall passed away.
I am still in shock as to how quickly things can change. And my heart is breaking for his wife, daughter and family & friends.
Dwight was one of the people I looked up to and drew strength from because of the amazing strength and faith he had. A good friend of mine told me that we were given our disease because God believed we would do good and make a difference. I believe that with Dwight. He has made a difference and will continue to make a difference in all of the lives that he touched. And he touched so many. I remember being a part of the first benefit concert and the wonderful feeling watching all those people together for the same cause.
May 30, 2010 Perspective - Part 2
After spending Saturday evening at a benefit concert for a friend battling leukemia I have learned a little more about my perspective on life.
Along with 500+ friends & family I felt a tremendous urge to do what I could for a friend in need. I was so proud of everyone in attendance.
Human nature is a great thing.....we cannot help but do all we can for our friends and family in need. The outpouring of love and support made me thankful for the wonderful friends I have and the great community we live in.
I hate that I have lost someone to cancer, that I know someone with cancer, that there is not yet a cure for cancer. But on the opposite end of the spectrum I love that we feel empathy, we have helped someone with cancer and we are all working towards a cure.
I can't help but be thankful for the wonderful life I have and the wonderful people that have blessed it.
That's today's perspective.
Dwight, you will be missed.
Monday, June 20, 2011
A Good Bad Day
Yesterday, the day after my needle night was my bad day. The day is usually filled with nausea, headache, chills, shakes etc.
I'm quietly celebrating the small victory that my body handled the needle better than it has in a long time. I'm doing it quietly because a few weeks ago I thought I was over the hump of the nasty needle side effects, only to be proven wrong.
I still look forward to my good days and try to make the most of them, but I am truly thankful for my unexpected good bad day yesterday.
I'm quietly celebrating the small victory that my body handled the needle better than it has in a long time. I'm doing it quietly because a few weeks ago I thought I was over the hump of the nasty needle side effects, only to be proven wrong.
I still look forward to my good days and try to make the most of them, but I am truly thankful for my unexpected good bad day yesterday.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Stress
They say MS is triggered by stress. Unfortunately stress is a constant in everyone's life. I have learned recently that it is unreasonable to try to eliminate stress completely from your life. What I have also learned is that the key is to manage the stress.
Ive been tested recently in the stress department. A visit from the police, calls from the school about your child being expelled, calls from your teenagers manager advising you that he has missed another shift and will likely be let go. All of these things are testing my ability to deal with stress.
Me and my body are winning against these stressers. I am relieved to say while I am so afraid about the what ifs with Austin, I am still sleeping,eating and exercising properly. Im relaxing and enjoying the good parts of my life .
Each night I go to sleep thankful that my body is working with me, I also go to sleep thankful that my son is safe from harm.
Ive been tested recently in the stress department. A visit from the police, calls from the school about your child being expelled, calls from your teenagers manager advising you that he has missed another shift and will likely be let go. All of these things are testing my ability to deal with stress.
Me and my body are winning against these stressers. I am relieved to say while I am so afraid about the what ifs with Austin, I am still sleeping,eating and exercising properly. Im relaxing and enjoying the good parts of my life .
Each night I go to sleep thankful that my body is working with me, I also go to sleep thankful that my son is safe from harm.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
An Open Letter To My Son
I think back to almost 18 years ago when I carried you inside me safe and secure. The first moments you were outside of my body I worried. That worry continued to grow as you got older.
You may not understand this but I love you today as strongly and deeply as I did the day I knew we created you or the first time I looked in your eyes.
Right now you are in the middle of childhood and adulthood. Your life is filled with so much turmoil and uncertainty right now. If there was a way I could make these life lessons easier for you I would. If I could tell you now what you will realize when you are older I would. If I could keep you safe with my love alone I would.
There are so many Ifs and uncertainties in your life.
I pray no matter what wrong choices you make in your life that you know I love you and I always will.
love always,
mom
You may not understand this but I love you today as strongly and deeply as I did the day I knew we created you or the first time I looked in your eyes.
Right now you are in the middle of childhood and adulthood. Your life is filled with so much turmoil and uncertainty right now. If there was a way I could make these life lessons easier for you I would. If I could tell you now what you will realize when you are older I would. If I could keep you safe with my love alone I would.
There are so many Ifs and uncertainties in your life.
I pray no matter what wrong choices you make in your life that you know I love you and I always will.
love always,
mom
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