Monday

The side effects from my needle were better than usual this week.  I figured by the afternoon I was feeling well enough to go for a run. 
I couldn't have attempted a more pathetic run if I tried.  I hit the 1km mark and I had to surrender.
Instead I took a nice long walk and thought about my yoga class that talked about my 'today body'. 
I tried not to get down by my body failing on me.  I am still fortunate that I can walk and enjoy the runs on my good days. 

But it did get me thinking....what if I reach a point where it is more than just Mondays where my body is not ready?   Im not ready for that.

That Little Voice

I run because its my happy place. 

I run because it makes me stronger.

I run because I love my life.

I run because it quiets that little voice inside me,the one that used to scream "You have MS" 

I run because I still can. 

Happy Father's Day

Sunday was fathers day.

This is my third Father's Day without my Dad, and almost 4 years since I said goodbye to my Dad.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the regrets I have with my Dad. I didn't tell him I loved him and I didn't thank him for everything he did for me and everything he was to me.
I can't change that and that is a source of a lot of regret. 

So while I spent today celebrating and appreciating my husband who is a wonderful father to our children, I also shed a few tears for the Dad that I miss more than ever.
But I promise to live my life differently.  I want those I love to know I love them, appreciate them and just how important they are to me. 

The Girl In The Mirror

I was in line at Bath & Body Works last week waiting to pay for my purchase and I caught sight of someone with hair colour that I liked.....I realized that it was my reflection. 

It has been over a year and a half since I reached the 80lbs lost.  What I haven't been able to do yet is accept the reflection in the mirror.  My self image has not caught up to the physical changes.  I dont know when or if that will ever happen. 

I feel healthier, but when Im looking at clothes my first instinct is not to go to the size 6 or 8 clothes, but still without thought go to the size that I used to be. 
I'm beginning to wonder if the picture in my mind is ever going to match real life. 

How many years is it going to take for me to keep the weight off before I can stop living in fear that this is just temporary?  How long will it take until I recognize the girl in the mirror??

My "Mini Me"

As I watch my 8 year old daughter, McKinley, I realize that I am influencing her much more than I ever imagined.  And what's even more surprising is that most of it isn't by what I tell her but by her seeing me live my life. 

It reminds me of the quote:

“My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it”
― Clarence Budington Kelland

I have told McKinley a lot of things, but I find the biggest lessons that are lasting for her have been from what she has seen me do.  She is much more aware of the benefits of being active and making healthy choices and that is because she has watched me.  She makes healthier food choices, even reads the labels on the packages now. 
I'm proud of her.    I see the mini me in the mornings when she tries to match her outfit, hairstyle or jewelry to mine.  I even notice when I hear her speak and she has the same tone as me and sometimes even uses a direct quote of something I have said.  While I am so very proud I also have to be careful that I set a good example for my mini me.

10 Years From Now

This is a great question to think about.  Instinctively I do not like change.  I think that is probably the norm with most people.  This is a great way of looking at it from another point of view.

Recently my husband, despite the fear of change, took the steps to make sure his career would not be exactly the same 10 years from now. 
He was not happy, but had spent 15 years doing exactly the same thing.  I think it takes courage and drive to take those steps and I'm proud to be married to a smart and successful husband who is making the change.  It is still early, but I can already tell that aside from some of the scary unknowns he is happier. 
Our entire family is benefiting from his happiness.  All because he overcame his fear of change.

Birthday Blessings

Yesterday was my 39th birthday.  I normally dont get overly excited over my birthdays.  It isnt that I have an issue with my age, I am comfortable and content with my age.
This year I was overwhelmed by the good feelings that came.  I was able to recognize and accept all the blessings in my life.  My day was filled with an abundant amount of goodness and I took the opportunity to not only recognize it, but acknowledge the blessings and share my feelings with those around me.

I appreciate all the good things in my life, and there are so many good things.  I want to, without being overbearing, remind others of all the good in their lives.

I feel that everything happens for a reason and where I am today is a happier, healthier me.  I think those around me have benefitted from the new me. 
But yesterday I focused on the gifts, the blessings and all the good in my life.

Ridiculously Happy

I have a hard time comprehending that the love I have for my husband continues to grow.  After we faced my MS diagnosis and we became stronger dispite the challenges I thought we were the closest we could ever be in our relationship.  And then something happens that makes me feele even more loved and blessed.
I no longer wonder if he truly loves me and accepts me, disease and all.  I go to sleep each night secure that he is right where he wants to be.
I feel blessed that we have a healthy and happy family, and a healthy and happy marriage. 

I used to think "why me?" when I found out I had MS.  I pitied myself and the unfortunate circumstances, feeling like I was being punished.
I find myself asking the same question, "why me?" when I think about my husband and our relationship, but this time on the opposite end of the spectrum.  What did I do to deserve such a wonderful marriage? 
I am so thankful that I can appreciate the good in my life and never want to take this good for granted. 

My husband is embarking on a new career venture and I have nothing but complete trust, faith and support for him.  He is driven, smart and highly motivated.  I know he will succed because of this and while the unknown is a little scary, its also very exciting. 
So, Im a little scared but ridiculously happy and in love.

Happiest Mother's Day

I love my family and the uncondtional love they provide me.  This Mother's Day was truly a wonderful one.  I felt like my heart would burst with all the love.  I was showered with gifts, endless hugs and kisses from my family.

I was able to spend the morning with my Mom and seeing her so happy and enjoying the family time made me so grateful

I spent Saturday with my two girls at the Beauty and The Beast show.  It was so wonderful making those special memories with my girls. 

I also enjoyed a Mother's Day tea with my littlest man in his kindergarten class.  He was so proud to have his Mommy there.  His big smile and constant hugs made me so thankful for the wonderful moment. 
Even though my oldest couldnt spend the day with me I still received a "Happy Mother's Day" wish from him and at 19 in his busy life he remembered his Mom and that was more than enough. 

Forgotten

I was laying in bed last night and I came to the sad realization that I no longer remember what my hand feels like when it was normal.  I used to think it was just temporary and I would regain the feeling.  I didn't entertain thoughts of anything permanent.
And last night I tried hard to remember what it felt like to have full feeling and use of my hand and I couldnt remember. 

I know there are a  lot of positives that I can focus on.  Its almost a year since my last attack.  I have been feeling healthy with my recent lifestyle changes.My family is healthy and happy.
Those are some of my positives, but last night I didnt focus on the positive.  I mourned what I lost.  I shed a few tears.

But today I picked myself up and moved on.  A little sadder than yesterday but still moving on.